What happened on the date Ooh, a gay date. Yay. They usually have a little bit of vinegar amid the usual plaudits. Kaush (top answer) actually tries to fling some subtle shade Mark’s way (“Neither seemed to mind” = “I noticed. I minded.”) but Mark rescues the date by answering with the only true answer. Impeccable. Photograph: Frantzesco Kangaris; Linda Nylind, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Josh | Alexandra Good table manners? She didn't use her napkin. Good table manners? Generally very good. You wouldn’t think somebody with as much hair going on as Josh would be so particular, would you? But Alexandra’s napkin faux-pas was unforgivable. Alexandra got her own back, however, by arranging to meet Josh again but, I assume, not turning up. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian ...

What happened on the date Ciara | Andrew Good table manners? Yes. We both apologised for saying bad words the odd time. Good table manners? Perfect. She let me try me her dessert. "Bad words." These are grown-ups. They don’t look the types to throw out loads of C-words over the starters, so I’m guessing "pilly, woo, bum" was as bad as it got. If you can’t curse or drop a few F-bombs on a first date, how are you going to lead up to farting in bed when you’re...

What happened on the date Sam | Rebecca Any awkward moments? She showed me a picture of her sick at one point, but assured me her grandparents had already seen it. Good table manners? Impeccable. Good table manners? Very. I tried to make him eat a decorative pebble for £20, but he refused. I include Sam’s answer to the awkward moments question here because it shows the “impeccable” stock reply up for what it really is. props to Rebecca for very likely early on seeing this date was going to...

The year is 2001. I am in a bar, talking to a gay man. I used to do that. He might be trying to pick me up; I can't tell. He takes another sip of his almost-drained drink and looks me up and down carefully. Here we go. "How old are you?" he asks, with a mouthful of beery spittle. "I'm 25," I reply. He surveys me again as if looking at a child's finger painting. Finally, he speaks. "If you want a body, you're going to have to get...

What happened on the date Always tricky going on a first date with someone who doesn’t drink. The best way to handle it is almost certainly not drink a bottle of champagne. If you read between the lines, though, it sounds like Sam needed it.  Poor Sam must have been so legless, he can’t remember what Victoria’s table manners were like, so he went for the traditional “impeccable”. Except he probably slurred it so it sounded more like “perble”....

You may think you don’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart if you’ve never had one, but, if you’ve ever been in love, that’s not true. The beginnings of love and a broken heart are quite similar – cruelly so. The gut-wrenching feeling of not being able to eat or sleep or function without thinking of someone? Present and correct. The difference is that when you’re in love, you know it’s only going to get better. With a broken heart, you have no such guarantee. Many people...

What happened on the date Paul | Isabel Good table manners? Impeccable. She said she was clumsy, but I think that was to mitigate my messy side of the table. Good table manners? Impeccable. This was almost a disaster – a double-impeccable. Thankfully, Paul (who is 43!!!) saves the day by letting us know Isabel (who is 41!!!) threw him a few burns. Look, they got on great and either use amazing moisturiser or have the best lighting wherever they go so let’s wish them well and overlook Isabel’s mega-disappointing...

What happened on the date Shockingly, the “table manners” question was NOT asked. It’s a cover-up! Imagine how bad the answer must’ve been for them to leave it out. Or the journo forgot. The date was really boring, anyway. It would’ve probably been a double-impeccable. Photograph: Sarah Lee; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian...