I learned quite early on there was a wrong way and a right way for a man to sit. As with most harsh lessons, it came from a bully. The dickhead of the week currently enjoying the school bus’s dazzling spotlight pointed out to everyone how I was sitting. “You sit like a girl. Poof. Is it because you’ve got a small dick?” I looked down at my knees and immediately felt even more prim and proper than usual. My default sitting position was with my legs crossed at the...

I have never dressed sexily for the gym – I have never seen the point. Either I have been partnered during my stack of memberships or, more usually, I have had no interest in romance among the kettle bells. In the dank, municipal hellholes where I like to work out, I have somehow known instinctively that Mr Right was not lurking by the lockers. While my latest gym is clean and modern, it is most certainly not a place where I will ever feel lustful and attractive. It is so basic, so...

They're hot, they're bored and they've got a smartphone. Meet the boys of Instagram who, you hope, your boyfriend hasn't met yet. Because when he does… you'll be filtered out of view. 1. Topless “night-night” selfie http://instagram.com/p/U9_m-doVxH You daren’t take selfies at bedtime because, eight days out of seven, you’re bloated from too much wine and you’re saving that spot to squeeze in the morning. Meanwhile, Prince Charming has plonked his pretty head down to rest in a sea of Touche Eclat, and is saying to your boyfriend "Imagine us here,...

What happened on the date An exciting deviation from the norm in an attempt to add content to the worst question of the entire column. Effort appreciated, but the use of “textbook” makes me feel a bit ill. And sharing food is a prelude to sex and they didn’t actually do that – so no. Unless your hands are planning to wander far and wide, keep them off your date’s plate. Especially with cheese, the least sexy food since polenta. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian...