Gráinne and Alexander

In these serious times, there is a feeling of guilt attached to frivolity. A sense, perhaps, that you’re playing MarioKart while Rome frazzles. Political intrigue has rendered showbiz gossip irrelevant and tacky – yet sometimes you almost, almost long for the days when Heat magazine would draw a circle of shame round deodorant stains on Shane from Westlife’s tank top, or the fraying hair extensions of a Gossip Girl cast member. When the world is going through it, being funny or snarky, or frantically meme-ing your way through the nightmare, or simply flooding your life with the tiniest pleasures can seem a selfish act. But people still need to do stuff. The basics. Do the shopping, watch Severance, clean the bog, watch the dog circle a square foot of yellowing grass before finally taking a crap, cook dinner, like wedding pics of frenemies on Insta, read news-free features about people you don’t know who probably won’t try to fry the planet. Maybe living through a horrible time, not letting it destroy you, and helping those who need it is a form of resistance.

Which is why I’m back for a fourth week doing whatever this is.

This week we are in Belfast! Gráinne, 31, is a software engineer and musician, and she’s been lined up with Alexander, 34, who is a civil servant and… oh actually there is no ‘and’ – he only does one thing. Poor show. Read the full-length version of the date on the Guardian website – ad revenue won’t inflate itself – then return here for the DVD extras (retro reference).

(And if you’ve already read this review, there’s an update on Gráinne and Alexander you won’t want to miss. READ NOW.)

Gráinne | Alexander

What were you hoping for?
A giggle with someone I fancy!

A giggle! Do you remember giggling? It was a bit like laughing… you know, laughing? Yeah, it’s been a lot hasn’t it?

What were you hoping for?
To meet a total babe.

Valid. But here’s the best bit:

First impressions?
Gráinne was a total babe.

This appears to be going well. *looks up ‘milliners’ in the Thomson Local*

First impressions?
I was quite nervous when I arrived but delighted to see a beautiful man waiting for me. Alexander greeted me with a cheeky grin and a hug.

A beautiful man! A total babe! Oh look:

As they say in Paris, c’est le coup de foudre. Translation: instant phwoar.

What did you talk about?
We had a lot of laughs about how small the Guardian’s dating pool might be in Belfast, and the possibility of being set up with someone we already know.

We bonded over shared passions – vegetarianism, the outdoors and experimental music.

Small dating pool – ha these two wouldn’t last five minutes as a single gay man in zones 1 and 2 of London.

Vegetarianism – a shared passion, at least, so no awkward ‘do you mind if I eat meat?’ conversations or gently prodding the kofta to edge it away from your… fennel and parsley surprise or whatever. The only meat getting eaten tonight will be… [sniiiiiiiiiiiiip! That’s quite enough of that, thank you – Decorum and Decency Department]*

The outdoors – I like the outdoors so long as I am only experiencing it between two planned, non-negotiable stints indoors. I can’t sit on a hill and heat up Baxter’s mulligatawny in a billy-can, I’m sorry. First whiff of nuclear annihilation and I’ll be setting up a sun lounger on the roof of a tall building and praying the last thing I hear is the second chorus of ‘Open Your Heart’.

Experimental music – if they actually bonded over this, then I’m over the moon, but let’s never invite them to parties that have an open-playlist policy.

Most awkward moment?
As the date continued, an opportunity for dancing presented itself. I was eager but realised Alexander wanted to escape in favour of a calmer bar. (I reckon he couldn’t handle my moves.)

I think he wanted to make a few moves of his own, Gráinne!!!

Most awkward moment?
I suggested that relatively few people read this column. Gráinne explained that maybe millions do. We needed our third cocktail after that.

Does make you wonder what Alexander thought he was signing up for. He does realise the Guardian isn’t a village newsletter, right? Maybe a dying relative applied on his behalf, like used to happen on The X Factor every week. ‘Oh we found the application form in his drawer on the day of the funeral.’ AYE, RIGHT.

Good table manners?
Excellent. He gave me the bigger half of the bao. He must have regretted this, because he then ordered another.

They shared bao? Like, cut one in two (‘the bigger half’) or had a few and split them between them? Anyway, thankfully Alexander remembered this was a free meal and you can eat as much as you like –  unless he wanted to keep a relatively empty stomach for reasons it would be ungentlemanly of me to presume. But, yes, life is hard enough without splitting bao in two like a pair of students who’ve spent all their grant (it’s 1996) on cheap vodka and Lambert & Butler.

Good table manners?
Yes. I’ve never had a negroni before and she won me over to them. But also no – she tricked me into eating a chunk of wasabi and laughed at my surprised reaction.

Image: @jmcgg on Instagram

First the food sharing, now NEGRONIS?! Are you testing me, Satan? It’s like finding out Kylie tests her wine on her animals. I will continue to root for them even though their taste in cocktails is up there with drinking synovial fluid out of desert boot.

The wasabi trick may sound cruel but it is, in fact, the ending of chapter three of the new Beth O’Leary rom-com, The Taste Test, where a woman who only wants to marry someone who can deep-throat ten vindaloos at once falls in love with a man whose taste buds were destroyed in a childhood fire-eating accident. It’s also a funny story that will be mentioned in Alexander’s speech when they get married in a nice hotel just outside of Belfast somewhere.

Best thing about them?
Oh, I was charmed by him. I think what struck me the most was his passion for his interests and excitement to share that with me.

Gráinne has recorded a number of times for a Radio 3 programme I’ve liked since I was a teen. I was a bit starstruck.

This is quite intense, actually, isn’t it? I feel like I’m at the next table – being bored to death by a man who’s just seen The Brutalist and wants to précis the entire plot for me – and leaning in to listen. Am trying to imagine what Radio 3 programme Alexander has liked since he was a teen – errr, the news? I have only ever listened to Radio 3 in 1.5-second bursts on a car radio while scanning to find a station playing a song with repetitive beats. But isn’t it lovely that they have found each other? Because a) then they won’t be boring someone else with Radio 3 chat (JOKE, don’t write in) and b) it’s all so hopelessly, wonderfully romantic.

‘I was charmed by him.’ Come on! This is the gold fleck glinting in the giant turd of 2025.

Would you introduce them to your friends?
He hinted that he might bake for them. They should be so lucky.

Oh, for sure, and they’d love her. I’d introduce her to my lovely rescue greyhound, too. I think we’d make quite the trio.

This is so cute it’s making me ill.

Describe Alexander in three words
Charming, warm and captivating.

CHARMING, like Jonathan Bailey holding a lift door open for you, three buttons undone on his polo shirt.
WARM, like a Clairol foot spa wired up to the central heating.
CAPTIVATING, like bleeding hell she has fallen hard for this wee fella, hasn’t she?!

Describe Gráinne in three words
Confident, stunning and enthralling.

CONFIDENT, like Matt Bomer in swimming trunks at Prestatyn Sands Pontins.
STUNNING, like a blow to the right temple with a September issue of Vogue.
ENTHRALLING, like bleeding hell he has really gone arse over tit in the enamoured stakes for this lady, am I right?!

What do you think they made of you?
I couldn’t tell if he was swooning at the food or me. I hope it’s the latter.

I thought Gráinne was a treat – I hope she thinks the same of me.

Oh we are SO back.

And … did you kiss?
He bashfully asked for permission first. Swoons.

Oh, absolutely.

Just never want this feeling to end, guys. Let’s stay out all weekend. We can call in sick for each other on Monday.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
I wouldn’t change anything, but the shy side of me wishes I could have met Alexander without going to the lengths of being in a national newspaper!

NO, this was meant to be. Oh I know it’s only a small drop of spring water in a bucket of sh•t and two Radio 3 lovers bagging off in a wine bar isn’t going to change the world or cure it of its ills but isn’t there something in the idea that, despite everything, despite life seeming to be in constant combat with us to make us love it less, we still do all the things that people do? We go out, have a few drinks, make eyes at each other, pick at our dinner and then snog in a pub?

Not all of us have the privilege of living so freely, and the seven short weeks of 2025 have been a continual punch in the knackers for so many of us who are watching every joy and bit of space we fought for being torn away in the name of sheer cruelty. But two (seemingly) good people, making a connection, as if the rest of it doesn’t really matter – at least not for tonight – well, it’s something to hang onto. And maybe it makes me want to fight a little harder to preserve what is being stolen from us.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
Just to go back and do it again.

Marry me each other. And invite all of us. We’ll bring our own bag of cans.

Marks out of 10?
10.

11?

Serve me this score in a giant bao. And no I am not sharing.

Would you meet again?
We made a bet: whoever is quoted in the headline gets treated to dinner.

The Guardian has actually done something brilliant here, for in the print edition, we have:

But in the online version, they use this:

So they both win. Nice one.

Would you meet again?
I hope so as I’ve spent this morning thinking where to suggest we go!

Update

Gráinne and Alexander have been in touch and, with their permission, I have four exciting facts to share with you:

– They are still dating
– The review (and the response from readers) ‘made their day’
– The Radio 3 show they bonded over is the New Music Show (no idea)
– The rescue greyhound’s name is Selena, and she and Gráinne ‘get on great’. Alexander says ‘Selena is very loved up too’.

Hurrah! Thanks to them for being such great sports and to everyone for reading!

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Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. Let me know what colour the wedding flowers are gonna be so I can coordinate my outfit (and upstage you both).

Gráinne and Alexander ate at Yugo in Belfast. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com

*= this is a very old joke formation used frequently in fab-mazing pop bible Smash Hits in the 1980s. Thanks.