Guardian Blind Date: Scottish Independence Special

Ever wondered what would happen if Scotland and England were to appear as romantic hopefuls in the Guardian’s Weekend magazine column Blind Date? Me neither. But, anyway, it might go something like this…

Fiercely independent Scotland, 1171, meets homely England, at least 1113.

Scotland on England

What were you hoping for?
The chance to meet somebody who’d let me be who I wanted to be.

First impressions?
A little domineering.

What did you talk about?
West Lothian, our health, cash. About how I was looking to travel but he’d rather stay at home. He seemed very interested in my skincare regime and which oils I used – and how much I had left.

Any awkward moments?
Every time I got up to go to the loo, he begged me to reconsider.

Good table manners?
Impeccable.

Best thing about England?
He seems keen to make a go of things.

Would you introduce England to your friends?
We already have a few mutual friends; I’m not sure I’d want him at all my social events.

Describe England in three words.
Flattering. Possessive. Deluded.

What do you think England made of you?
Hopefully he realised I was no pushover.

Did you go on somewhere?
Not together.

And… did you kiss?
I considered giving him a Glasgow one.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
That I’d left sooner.

Marks out of 10?
3. One for each century we spent together.

Would you meet again?
Maybe as allies.

England on Scotland

What were you hoping for?
Someone like me – in it for the long haul.

First impressions?
Rather flighty, with a lot of big ideas.

What did you talk about?
I talked money. I can’t really remember what she said – none of her arguments seemed to go anywhere.

Any awkward moments?
When I suddenly took an interest about 20 minutes before the end of the date. And she wouldn’t share pudding.

Good table manners?
Impeccable.

Best thing about Scotland?
She knows her own mind.

Would you introduce Scotland to your friends?
If we stay together, she has full access to my entire social circle. If not, well…

Describe Scotland in three words
Please. Don’t. Go.

What do you think Scotland made of you?
I think she might have found me a bit controlling. But hopefully she saw me as more than a friend.

Did you go on somewhere?
I wanted to talk some more – she wasn’t having any of it.

And… did you kiss?
Not even a Chelsea smile.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
Now’s not a time to change. But I’d probably have listened to what she was saying more.

Marks out of 10?
We said we wouldn’t mark each other. But I say a lot of things. 7.

Would you meet again?
I’ll wait to see what she says first. (Probably not.)

• Scotland and England ate at Café Ritazza, Southwaite motorway services on the M6.

See the real Guardian Blind Date column in all its glory/horror in the Weekend magazine every Saturday or read it online. I love it really.