33 things your date will worry about while waiting for you to turn up

1. “All his photos were taken from quite far away. I hope he’s not a horse-frightener.”

2. “I hope he was joking when he described himself as a flâneur. Because seriously.”

3. “Does my stomach look fat while I sit like this?”

4. “Should I stand up when he gets here so he can see I’m actually quite ripped?”

5. “Should I get a drink while I’m waiting, or hang on until he gets here?”

6. “What should I drink? What will make me look more desirable?”

7. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone for Tia Maria & Lucozade.”

8. “Will he be able to tell I haven’t brushed my teeth?”

9. “Why did I have onions at lunch?”

10. “Is my voice deep enough?”

11. “If he felt the need to point out he was straight-acting, does this mean if I mention Kylie or Madonna or the fact I like clothes he’ll be annoyed?”

12. “Do I really want to be on a date with someone who says they’re straight-acting?”

13. “I’m sure he used ‘whilst’ in a text the other day. Should I point out how much this annoys me? I know I shouldn’t, but… come on.”

14. “I hope he’s not one of those ones who bang on about their exes all the time.”

15. “If I mention my ex, will he immediately assume I’m not over it?”

16. “Am I over it?”

17. “I am over it. OK, good. How do I look as if I’m really over it?”

18. “How soon into the date can I swear for the first time?”

19. “I wonder if he’s going to be one of those guys who uses really elaborate swear-words. I hate that.”

20. “Should I use the c-word to see if he gasps?”

21. “He’s late. Am I in the right pub?”

22. “If I text to make sure I’m in the right pub, will it look like I am passively-aggressively reminding him he is late?”

23. “This text I’m about to send to ask where he is – kiss on the end or not?”

24. “Maybe two kisses? Is that too many?”

25. “What if he starts on about Lady Gaga?”

26. “What if he doesn’t mention Lady Gaga?”

27. “Is my job interesting enough?”

28. “If I go on about my job, will it look like I’m bragging?”

29. “What slang should I use? I’m too old for ‘sick’, I know. Is ‘cool’ OK?”

30. “Is he late because he doesn’t care about being on time because he doesn’t think it will go anywhere?”

31. “Should I play it cool or play it hot?”

32. “I bet he’s lying about his age. Should I have lied about mine?”

33. “Seriously, where is he?”

So maybe it’s best if you arrive first, or before he goes off you entirely.