Emi and Hari

Autumn! Except… not! Great.

This week’s sado-masochists are Emi, 26, a trainee human rights lawyer and Hari 26, a sports analyst. So, Amal Clooney and Richard Keys, basically? Perhaps? No idea. Full rundown is on the Guardian website, incoherent bitching about nothing right below.

Emi | Hari

What were you hoping for?
Someone to walk London’s Capital Ring with. Failing that, a free dinner.

Sorry to non-Londoners but as someone who has lived here 22 years next month I have always been fascinated by the little green signs that tell you you’re on the Capital Ring walk, usually without realising. Fascinated enough to walk the whole billion miles or whatever it is? That would be a no.

What were you hoping for?
Chemistry, romance, free food.

‘Chemistry’ by Girls Aloud currently streaming on Spotify. The rest is up to you.

First impressions?
Handsome and he made me feel at ease.

If someone’s first impression of me was that I was handsome I’m afraid I’d have to propose. Shallow? I don’t care – you want depth on a first date? You’ve watched When Harry Met Sally too many times.

First impressions?
Striking and engaging.

Engaging so soon! TikToks of dogs scrabbling to eat cookies are engaging. People… not sure.

What did you talk about?
Whether pasta is overrated. How ageing has kicked in earlier than we expected. Made in Chelsea.

The pressure to maintain top spot in the sibling hierarchy. Getting whipped/flailed in Russian saunas. Brat summer v rat boy summer. Judging people at the silent disco.

Pasta being overrated – is it particularly lauded? Isn’t it just… there? I’ve recently got back into pasta for lunch, half a packet of that fresh-adjacent tortelloni that’s got aubergines stuffed inside it or something, little bit of pesto, stomach gently flopping onto my lap for the rest of the afternoon. Don’t tell me I don’t know how to live.

Ageing has kicked in early – oh pal, that’s not a kick, that’s a light tap. See you in 20 years. I really enjoyed that piece doing the rounds a couple of weeks ago that said your body ages rapidly in two bursts, the first being 44. I am 48, and was reading it, like, oh no really are you s… YES I KNOW. (Mine was a wee bit later, fact enjoyers, 46 possibly.) Anyway, upshot is: Don’t enfogey yourself in your twenties, leave it to nature.

Getting whipped/flailed in Russian saunas – I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.

Brat summer – no.

Rat boy summer – an even bigger no.

Judging people at the silent disco – okay, so this is not something I would ever want to do because when I dance I like to hear fellow dancers whooping “yeah” and “make some make some make some f•ckin’ noise” and “Gosh DJ this is simply wizard gramophone record” or whatever – but judging them? Who are you trying to impress exactly? Also, you have zero cool credentials – you are in the Guardian Blind Date, which has a ‘was bullied at school for having the wrong pencil case’ rate of 98%.

Most awkward moment?
I think I showed a little too much disdain when he mentioned his friends working in the City.

I know all about tired memes. I thought men in finance, 6’5″, etc were all the rage. No? Are we still doing ‘bankers are evil’? What, even lovely Sue who works in that village branch of Santander that only opens two days a week, who leaves out a tray bake for the customers and has never even seen the word cocaine written down let alone snorted it off her desk? I kind of agree with the sentiment but if this was any more of a sixth former opinion it would have Doc Martens on.

Most awkward moment?
Doing laps of the venue as there was nowhere to sit down.

Good table manners?
There was no table to speak of! But yes, he got chopsticks for his dumplings to prove he could use them – and he could.

The Guardian appears to have sent them to a cocktail festival or something which is the absolute WORST venue for a Blind Date. I’d rather sit folding laundry in the accessible toilet in a McDonald’s. Nowhere to sit?! On a date?

Good table manners?
Excellent. Emi made light work of her halloumi wrap.

IMAGINE being all excited about a free slap-up meal on a Guardian Blind Date and ending up with a gentrified version of a Boots Meal Deal.

Best thing about Hari?
He was warm, made me feel comfortable and was easy to talk to and joke around with.

“he was warm, made me feel comfortable” – Hari is half tartan blanket on his maternal bloodline

Best thing about Emi?
Her general demeanour: she was very easy to talk to. Also she had a pretty cool nose ring.

Nose rings cool again! Hurrah! It is about a month off 30 years since I paid £8 to have a woman with split ends hold a large gun to my nose and spear a silver stud into my nostril. I had been at university a few weeks and was in the process of a reinvention that sadly didn’t reach the contents of my Levi’s until about six years later, but we are who we are.

Describe Hari in three words.
Warm, friendly, curious.

WARM, like gloves, open fires, scarves, cocoa, every drinks chiller cabinet in central London on the hottest day of the year. Do they not KNOW?
FRIENDLY, like a Spectator reader who got a People’s Friend delivered by mistake and loved the story about a widower finding joy in Koi carp.
CURIOUS, like a wasp waiting for you to crack open that can of Irn Bru.

Describe Emi in three words.
Intriguing, witty, confident.

INTRIGUING, like the difference between what Liz Truss hears when she speaks and what the rest of us hear.
WITTY, like Gore Vidal, Dorothy Parker, and Bungle from Rainbow reading out the comments on YouTube feet videos.
CONFIDENT, like men who wear character socks with slip-on shoes. Bottle that bravado. Ditch the socks, though.

What do you think Hari made of you?
I’m honestly not sure. I confessed that I was quite hungover on arrival. I hope he didn’t judge me for that.

I judge you a tiny bit. But I suppose if I found out I was going on a date to a giant food court that stank of cooking oil and mojitos, I’d probably get wrecked the night before too.

What do you think Emi made of you?
I hope she thought I’m not like the other boys.

Breaking: most men who say they are not like other boys are, in fact, just like other boys.

Did you go on somewhere?
No. I went on to meet my friends and get a Burger King.

You know, I was only saying yesterday to my boyfriend that I really missed the Burger King that used to be in King’s Cross station before it got that makeover and was still the second most disgusting station – and leading pigeon toilet – in London. Many a long journey up north had the pleasure of a Chicken Royale overture.

No kiss, just a hug,

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
We agreed that small plates/tapas would have been more up our street.

Honestly, anything else would’ve been up my street – meatballs flung from a passing car, tagliatelle shot out of a T-shirt gun, cheese on toast cooked by my old manager from 2001 who never washed their hands after going to the toilet.

Marks out of 10?
7.

Marks out of 10?
8.

Disappointing, maybe, that there was nothing more romantic, as they both seem pretty nice people, but can you really expect love to blossom when there’s nowhere to sit and everyone around you is vibrating from their seventh espresso martini and saying things like, ‘f•ck it, the queue for the loos is too big, tip out the rest of that Mai Tai treasure chest, I’ll piss in that’.

You deserved better!

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Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. What did you get at Burger King?

Hari and Emi ate at Cocktails in the City, London WC1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com