Dating 101

Wow, that went well. You’re positively glowing, aren’t you? A first date has never played out so smoothly; absolutely nothing went wrong. An ideal venue, nary a break in the conversation, plus a bright smile and a promise to do it again at the very end. And then a cherry on top: an affectionate kiss on the cheek and a warm hug to send you on your way. Could this be it? The one? You don’t know. Maybe. You hope so. Excellent. On the bus home, you beam as widely as...

Putting yourself ‘out there’ on an online dating site is a little like climbing into a shop window and begging people to peruse you. Most love-seeking sites have an engine which matches you and any potential suitors – I call them suitors as it's about as romantic or fairy-tale as this experience gets – based on the 1,001 questions you have answered on signing up. Don't like smokers, railway enthusiasts or people who read a lot? No problem! The website's magic matchmaking elves will ensure you never see them in...

I never dreamed it would come to this. Even though we've never met, have never had that first flush of exciting romance and have even yet to share our very first kiss, I'm already thinking about the end. Yes, my non-existent boyfriend who never happened, I'm afraid that, for you, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the open air – it's an oncoming train. It's not you, it's... well, it's everything you do. Even though you are a virtual man and have no corporeal form, I feel...

For most people, dating is a two-way thing. Unless you're a caveman bashing his paramour over the head with a club and dragging them back to your dank dwelling or a dodgy pervert – or premiership footballer – with an endless supply of rohypnol, the object of your affection is going to have to like you back before anything can happen. Although I'd like to pretend that every guy I date falls madly in love with me after two drinks and calls me persistently, begging me to go on another...

I do not advocate rudeness on dates. Even if the guy sitting opposite you is a crashing bore, with chronic halitosis and a set of teeth like an overloaded dish rack, I just like to sit it out. Why make someone else feel like shit just because you're having a bad time? But, if you are determined to make sure that this is a one-off date with no hope of repeats or returns, there are a few things you can do to try to make sure that your date is...

Dating. A great way to meet people, sure. The chance to get out of the house and do different things with guys who you wouldn't normally have met, yes. But let's not forget another reason why we date – to get sex. Uh-huh. Oh yes, yes, avert your gaze and look coyly to the floor but let's cut the crap here. As nice as your date may be and as much fun as you may be having, if you don't fancy them it's pretty pointless. And when you fancy someone,...

Not sure whether they like you or not? Or whether you like them? Really? Do yourself a favour. Ten signs the first date will be the last: 1. They are otherwise perfect but there is one fatal flaw that you can't stop looking at, thinking about and trying not to mention, even though it is taking over your mind and threatening to launch itself from your tongue and across the table like a bile-covered missile. It could be anything: a crooked tooth, a liney forehead, a third eye. If you...

As regular readers will know, not all of my dates have gone very well. In fact my hit rate for me actually enjoying my dates is hovering at or below around 40 per cent. When you consider the amount of dates I have out myself through, that can make for some depressing times. So given that most of these first dates have ended in disaster, how do you make it clear that the first date shall be the last, and that the only thing unique about your fateful meeting is...

There are a variety of ways to show someone that you're interested in them on an online dating site. Some sites allow you to 'wink' at the object of your affection, while others allow you to 'star' them or 'add them as a favourite', which has given rise to a new, dreadful verb: to favourite. Winking, for me, is a cop-out. It doesn't say that you're flirtatious, it says — nay, SCREAMS — 'I'm not a paid subscriber and this is the only way I can register my interest in...

Where you meet on a date can be quite a tricky decision. You don't know this person very well — you may not even have spoken on the phone — so you won't be quite sure of their taste. There's no duller a question than 'where do you like to go out?' on email or on the actual date, but sometimes it's good to get an idea of where these people socialise, as you can usually get a pretty good handle on what kind of person they are. Unless they're...