Dating 101: One night only

Not sure whether they like you or not? Or whether you like them? Really? Do yourself a favour. Ten signs the first date will be the last:

1. They are otherwise perfect but there is one fatal flaw that you can’t stop looking at, thinking about and trying not to mention, even though it is taking over your mind and threatening to launch itself from your tongue and across the table like a bile-covered missile. It could be anything: a crooked tooth, a liney forehead, a third eye. If you were really into them, you’d disregard it.

2. You start more than three sentences with “So…..”

3. They see you finish your drink and don’t offer to get you another. Yes, not even the prospect of getting you drunk and/or seeing you through beer goggles is enough to prolong the date.

4. The date begins discussing options for getting home, making it very clear that you will not be accompanying them on this journey. “I have my moped just outside…”

5. You’re so pissed that you can’t see but the date is sitting there gently sipping a Diet Coke, with a look of contempt in their eyes. Yes, you should have brought that miniature bottle of vodka with you.

6. The bumbling attempt to make physical contact is met with horror, followed by derision. Stop now before he calls the police.

7. Your parting shot is “Nice to meet you”. Come on, if you’re parting with that inane pleasantry you’re not banking on having to make small talk with this dullard ever again. “Nice to meet you” is what one says to vicars at weddings, not someone you’re hoping to brutalise between the sheets.

8. The date points out a spot or other flaw in your complexion. “Is that a cold sore?” Yes, this is the way to get to bone me; well done, you arsehole.

9. When strangers ask you if they can share your table, you welcome them so fervently that you end up making lunch arrangements, planning a holiday together and, if you’re especially lucky, with your hand down their trousers, while your date looks on blankly.

10. They talk about their ex. Incessantly. Until you just want to grab their mobile phone, call up the ex and say “Look, do you want this cunt back? Because I’m done with it. DONE”.