Dating 101: How to be a bad date

I do not advocate rudeness on dates. Even if the guy sitting opposite you is a crashing bore, with chronic halitosis and a set of teeth like an overloaded dish rack, I just like to sit it out. Why make someone else feel like shit just because you’re having a bad time? But, if you are determined to make sure that this is a one-off date with no hope of repeats or returns, there are a few things you can do to try to make sure that your date is put off you for ever. How do I know? Most of them happened to me, that’s how. So here are five to start you off:

1. Talk, without pause for breath, about how amazing your life is and how glorious it is to be you. Yes, nobody loves a negative Norman, but there’s a time and a place to give it the big “I am” and the first date isn’t it. Example quotes:

“And so my boss said to me ‘You’re just so talented’ and he was totally right because the reaction – well, it was just breathtaking. I’ve had comments from all over the world saying just how inspiring it was just to hear about even a small part of what I’d done.”

“It’s so hard for me because I get a lot of attention from men, and I mean A LOT.”

2. Mention your last boyfriend. Over and over again. Go into detail about how he simply can’t get over you, and calls you incessantly and bombards you with flowers and trinkets. Speak about how well-matched you were “physically” and that ever since him, you’ve simply had to sleep with men with big cocks and lots of stamina as the bar has been set so high by this poor sucker who you don’t want to be with.

3. Name-drop celebrities and fantastic bars and holidays you’ve encountered or experienced. It works even better if your date has never heard of the celebrities you mention so you have to explain who they are, really slowly, as if talking to a child who’s just banged his head.

4. Read things out from your Twitter or Facebook feed, giving a wry laugh after each of your own comments. While doing this, make an effort to conceal the screen, as if that will in any way make the stories more interesting for the hapless unfortunate sitting opposite you.

5. Don’t eat anything before your date and as soon as the date begins, plough into the pints, shots and spirits with a gusto that would impress even the most seasoned binge drinker. As the booze takes effect, attempt clumsy flirtation techniques and end the abominable date with a suggestion of going back to yours. When they refuse (and they will, unless they are remarkably desperate or idiotic), laugh in their face and tell them you only asked them because you were pissed.

And you wonder why my self-esteem depletes – and my bile rises – with each date.