Freddie and Sophia

It looks like Watch Me Date is here to stay! The Guardian are asking for applications. If you have no shame and think love can be found at the other end of Google Glass – rather than the end of a martini glass where it belongs – you should go for it. watch.me.date@theguardian.com

Anyway, we have Freddie, 25, who works in advertising and Sophia, 22, a trainee teacher. Children! Why would you need to do this at such a young age? I have a feeling we are about to find out.

Watch along while I throw a few words down for you.

Freddie wants somebody “normal” – something we all think we want until we get it.

Sophia, on the other hand, is after someone who is “outgoing, likes to try new things, open-minded”, which also means “normal”. I don’t think anybody has ever actively sought someone who fears change and has the worldview of the last rotten satsuma left over from Christmas. Or have they?

“Someone like me,” ventures Freddie again. “Stable. But obviously not me.” People who claim they are totally normal or stable and down-to-earth tend to be secret egotists and a ticking timebomb for a meltdown sometime in their late twenties. They are the polar opposite of the “I’m mad, me!” bunch, who invariably turn out to be as adventurous and interesting as a bag of cardigans. All mauve.

First impressions

Sophia: “I think he did look a bit geeky.” Well, I think that’s what she said – it sounded like “kiki”, but Freddie definitely doesn’t look capable of a kiki of any kind.

Freddie: “It wasn’t, like, an Earth-shattering moment, it was very much sort of a ‘girl you’d see on the Tube’ sort of thing. You’d look at her, turn away, carry on doing what you’re doing.”

I’m 100% sure Freddie didn’t mean to sound like a massive cunt here, right? Right?

There then follows a bit of footage of them deciding what wine to have.
“I like all three,” says Freddie.
They go for a Pinot Grigio Blush, one of my favourites too. What a pair of queens they are.

Then their food is brought to them. Mushroom tagliatelle for Sophia; sea bass for Freddie. Why am I listing this in mind-numbing detail? Because there was ZERO other conversation. No chat. Just ‘events’ happening to them. Two minutes to go.

Table manners

Sophia: “Good. He offered me wine first. I think that’s a good thing.” Hahaha wow. Mr Darcy, stand down – you’ve got some serious competition.

Freddie: “If I could give it out of ten, I’d say about a six.” I see.

Over footage of Sophia eating tagliatelle – a rookie mistake on a first date, but she is 22 – Freddie continues: “There was bit of food, like, sort of, you know, messiness.” He then drones on about looking at someone’s face and mouth when talking and seeing them eat.

I wonder what he thought going to a restaurant on a date with another person would be like. Maybe he thought Sophia would just sit there and sip water while he ate, and then quietly scuttle off to the loo to take bites out of a sandwich.

I suppose if you don’t want to be glued to someone gnawing their way through a main course, you don’t go on a date like this.

Finally, they have a conversation. Freddie is talking about unions, I think. And then: “Home Secretary is an impossible job to do”. Is Freddie the Home Secretary? He could be; I tuned out of politics voluntarily sometime around May 2010.

Then comes a killer question from Sophia: “Are you a Conservative?” Freddie’s answer is a bit muddled, but he does helpfully say he’s not a fascist.

“That’s good to know,” deadpans Sophia.

Awkward moments

Sophia: “You don’t want to find out after you’ve fallen in love that they’re, like, a Nazi or something.” OK.

Freddie: “I’m a Conservative on certain things, but I wouldn’t say I’m overly political.” He goes on a bit about “two sides to every story” and “valid points” and how it’s OK for someone else to have points. Basically, he dances round the actual answer like it’s a handbag on the floor of the local Ritzy. God, he is the Home Secretary

Sophia makes the very “valid point” that politics is not great first date material. She’s right; unless you’re both really into it, it shall not end well. Have you ever watched two people on a date debate politics? It is disgusting.

Would you introduce them to your friends?

Sophia: “Probably not.” Concise.

Freddie: An extended babble about how she’s like a work colleague and he’d only “share carpet” with her. He seriously cannot just give a simple answer. We get it, Busby, you like to talk.

Sophia marks Freddie a 5/10 which I think is the most brutal it has got on Watch Me Date. Until…

Freddie, as always, cannot just get the hell on with it. “Six. You know what? It probably is a five. Six is being generous. It probably is bang on a five.” Nearly over.

As the goodbye comes, Freddie says “I’ll see you when I see you”, which is… oh I don’t know, what is it? A desperate attempt to claw back some face for behaving like a moron the entire date? Dunno.

Sophia manages to squeeze out a barefaced lie: “It was nice seeing you.” The pair then awkwardly start to walk in the same direction. Sophia clocks this and, I think, hastily beats a different path.

The ending is so bleak they couldn’t even be bothered putting the end card in the right typeface.