When you’re single, it is very easy to blame smug couples for all your ills. But, here’s a newsflash, you can be just as irritating.
And every once in a while, couples are dragged out of their loved-up reverie by their single friends who are, almost without exception, an absolute nightmare.
1. Arrive to every social engagement hungover.
Whether you’re making a beautiful lunch for all your friends, meeting for a few drinks for your birthday, or getting married, your single friend will arrive either drunk or woefully hungover. This is because they can.
They have no partner to tell them they’ll feel rough in the morning and nobody to give them the silent treatment if they ignore that advice. Before they’re even halfway through their starter, they will push their plate away and signal the waiter to bring them another martini and every couple around the table will dream of lacing it with arsenic.
2. Ask if you have any friends to hook them up with.
“Surely you must know some nice, single, hot men for me?”
3. Then get offended when you try to hook them up with somebody.
“God, I’m not that desperate. Don’t you think I can do a little better than that?!” Frankly, no.
4. Moan “I just want to meet someone” yet reject perfectly acceptable people for ridiculous reasons.
“I didn’t like his hair.”
“You should have seen the way he twisted the noodles round his fork.”
“She pronounces ‘bath’ like ‘hearth’ – it’d never last.”
5. Flirt with your partner.
6. Fill your timeline with sexy selfies.
7. Tell you how lucky you are to be in a relationship.
You spent all morning arguing about whose turn it was to change the bedlinen, yet here comes a single person to patronisingly remind you how fortunate you are.
Validation at last from an undateable disaster who’s always roaring drunk! Brilliant!
8. Refuse to listen to any of your dating advice.
“Oh what would you know? You’ve been out of the game for waaaaay too long.”
9. Bang on about Tinder and other things you don’t understand.
Tinder, the dating app that has revolutionised romance and spawned a billion think pieces, is all single people go on about. It’s all “swipe left” this and ‘swipe right” that, like robots from the future who travelled back in time and invented dating.
10. Say things like “I’m so tired of wild nights out and meaningless sex”.
Oh, all this red mess everywhere? Why, it’s my heart. Bleeding all over the place.
11. Get instant adulation from your children simply by not being you.
12. Tell you their dating stories.
You hope and pray this will be the last one, so you don’t have to hear them pick apart somebody who to you, after nine years of staring at the same face day after day, sounds like just what you need.
13. Whinge when you bring your other half out with you.
14. Introduce you to their flings.
You know it’s not going anywhere, and so do they. Yet time and time again you will have to play the game of pretending this is the one, politely asking them about their hometowns and their jobs.
And all along you know that their eyes, so bright and hopeful, will soon be dulled by your useless single pal, who will accuse them of being “clingy” and won’t text them back.
15. Refer to your previous sexual behaviour in front of your current partner.
16. Complain about being surrounded by couples.
“Oh it’s all going to be couples at Jake’s wedding; I’ll feel really uncomfortable.” Oh sorry! We’ll just split up so that you can not feel quite so self-conscious at our friends’ huge life events or social gatherings. No problem! Anything for you!
17. Assume all couples are jealous of their single status.
While there may be a wild ripple of envy every time they see yet another pic of their single friend on holiday drinking a shot of tequila out of a porn star’s navel, largely couples don’t desperately want to be them, or single.
Sure, for the last few nights they’ve been glued to EastEnders and feeding each other Revels, but they wouldn’t trade places for a second.