Impeccable Table Manners

Shanine and Ankur


I’ve got to say, this is looking pretty scarce on LOLs so far.

I’ve always felt a bit funny if I’m wearing my glasses on a date and the other guy is too. I imagine other people gazing over at us saying: “Oh look at those two speccy-four-eyed geeks over there – at least they found each other, eh?” 🙁

Anyway, read what happened on the date before we all put our horn-rimmed gigs on and take a closer look.

Shanine | Ankur
What were you hoping for?
Idris Elba. Realistically, good company and someone who wouldn’t be horrified at how much I could drink and eat.

💯 for Shanine, there. I have always shied away from eating on a first date because I know for a fact there ain’t anybody out there ready to sit opposite me watching me tear a burger limb from limb.

Good table manners?
Excellent – he made sure my wine glass was full and shared his dessert.

Whoa. It’s happened. An “impeccable”.

Ankur, I am so disappointed in you. Get out.


Shanine’s answer (top) isn’t a particularly humorous or titillating answer, but at least it’s informative. And you can’t slate a bloke for keeping your glass full. Mind you, sharing a dessert should be a hanging offence.

This “impeccable” from Ankur is shade of the highest order. He’s saying he was bored. And given one of the topics of conversation was “coalition cuts”, I’m not surprised.

According to Shanine, the best thing about Ankur is his accent. His accent. The way he talks. It’s like rolling off someone just after sex and asking how it was for them, only to be told “You have lovely hair”.

Ankur, in return, praises Shanine’s personality. This is all very polite. I feel we should have china cups and battenburg and a chihuahua snoring by an open fire.

Both are at pains to point out they’d only meet up again as friends, even going so far as to quite clearly agree in advance their final marks and a parting comment.

Marks out of 10?
Would you meet again?
As friends, definitely, but not sure if there will be romance.
She was great company, but there was no romance.

Also, this feels like the millionth date in a row that one of the pair uses the “If you could change one thing…” question to slate the organisers of the date for making them do it on a weeknight.

If you could change one thing, what would it be?
To do it on a weekend.

I don’t know who foots the bill for these dates, and I’m sure restaurant owners would rather get a few tables filled on a rainy Monday, but doesn’t anybody realise how absolutely incredible these dates could be if they were at the weekend?

Imagine if booze was flowing and nobody had to get up in the morning! Murky ‘nightspots’, furtive glances and Sambuca-induced snogging would replace all the dreary “Impeccables” and wittering about having to catch the last train home.

In short, we need a donk on it, otherwise we have another year of “Maybe as friends” to look forward to. And nobody wants that.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian

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