Composite: Christian Sinibaldi/The Guardian
Imelda and Jayesh
Fate has thrown together in the Guardian Blind Date blender of doom Imelda, 56, a local authority officer, and Jayesh, 66, who works in medical devices. Two jobs I want to know absolutely nothing more about!
Read what happened on the date over on the Guardian website, and then return here for reaction shots of Evita screaming from the balcony of the Casa Rosada or something.
Imelda | Jayesh
What were you hoping for?
A story to tell.
Careful what you wish for!
What were you hoping for?
A fun night out and not to make a fool of myself.
People who have already read ahead right now:
First impressions?
Tall, charming and the first to arrive. I had hoped to so I could be composed and in control, but my phone is rubbish so I couldn’t follow the directions.
I tell myself I used to have a brilliant sense of direction. As I date from the pre-internet era and have always been too tight to buy an A-Z (remember those?!?) for a city unless I’m going to stay there longer than two years, I honed this skill marching about places and getting a feel for them. As with everyone else, the convenience of smartphones have turned me into a dum-dum little baby. I am in a city that is not my home at the moment, and spent most of yesterday spinning round with my phone in my hand trying and failing to get my bearings on Google Maps for places a seven minutes’ walk away. Embarrassing. (FYI, Google Maps: street names generally NOT OPTIONAL, thanks. x)
First impressions?
Imelda is a charming, happy lady and put me at ease immediately.
Whenever someone says this I imagine the date leaping on them and injecting fentanyl into their neck.
What did you talk about?
Brexshit and the fallout with which we are living. We had a cheers to my friend’s mum, Brenda, who had the most wonderful funeral earlier in the day, and a cheers to Jayesh’s mum, whose birthday it would’ve been.
Life experiences, politics, Brexshit … We talked so much I can’t remember what we talked about.
BREXSHIT – ‘Brexshit’ is the most amazing ‘opinionated auntie or uncle’ phrasing. They landed upon that descriptor back in 2016, found it hilarious, and refuse to let it drop, and hopefully bring it up every Christmas and maybe even during funerals. Eulogies even! ‘My great auntie Maureen always had a toffee for me, and was a popular face down the bingo, but she voted Leave in the whole Brexshit debacle, so I hope she’s taken her SPF with her, burn baby burn!’
Cheers – I actually wrote the above without even reading the bit about the funeral and that is very lovely. Cheers Brenda and Jayesh’s mum (who I hope for their sakes’ voted Remain, or Imelda and Jayesh would’ve been very cross).
Most awkward moment?
We decided the food mess on my side of the table was not worth mentioning. So, no awkward moments.
Me being early.
This is cute, isnt it? In a way that is genuinely cute, not in that really annoying and patronising way people have of talking about anyone who’s older than them as if they are Disney characters, and not complex, experienced people who just happen not to be as young as you.
Good table manners?
Impeccable.
Absolutely perfect.
Okay, everything seems to be in order.
Would you introduce Jayesh to your friends?
Of course – my friends are inquisitive (nosy), so it would be nice.
No, I think they’d like Imelda more than me! Yes, of course, no reason not to.
A double ‘of course’. The friends bit doesn’t get any easier, especially these days when, if the press is to be believed, none of us actually have friends and have regressed into our own digital caves typing wildly on Doctor Who Discords and posting doctored photos of Gandalf with breasts under politicans’ “sKeEts”.
Perhaps in twenty years’ time, this question will be phrased, ‘Would you introduce them to your favoured ChatGPT FriendBots and SexCompanions?’
What do you think Jayesh made of you?
Not at all a messy eater – pretty sure of that.
LOVE a running gag in a Blind Date. I confess: I am a messy eater in so far as I actually try to take a lot of care while having a meal but my tops and shirts and lap simply CRY out for feeding, especially if a) they are light/white/cream and I am eating pizza or pasta or noodles and b) if I am going on somewhere there will be cameras/people I’m meeting for the first time/inquisitive dogs who haven’t been fed yet.
What do you think Imelda made of you?
No idea – I probably talked too much.
Quite rare for the guy half of a straight-presenting date to say that, isn’t it? Could this be a sign that our Jayesh is the Holy Grail of dating: ‘Not Like Other Guys’?
Did you go on somewhere?
Couldn’t really – it was a school night.
As regular readers will know, I would usually be furious to see this appearing in the Blind Date. Take the chance! Party until dawn! Party WITH a woman called Dawn who has a little baggy in her fake Céline pochette!
However, as Imelda is only a few years older than me, and I like to be in bed with a paperback by 11 on a weekday, I can vaguely sympathise. But still: Dawn can be in an Uber in three minutes. Get busy!
And … did you kiss?
Guardian, please!
WE’RE WAITING.
And … did you kiss?
We had three hugs. The connection felt more friendly – but ours will be a great friendship, that’s for sure.
Marks out of 10?
Pick a number higher than 10. The company, restaurant and atmosphere were simply the best.
10.
A number higher than 10 would be… 11? 12? As a schoolgirl, Imelda clearly decided she was done with counting once they’ve got the first ten out of the way. but this is VERY LOVELY and I am sure everything is going to be GREAT and in the last question they are going to get MARRIED in Westminster Abbey or Kew Gardens or something.
Would you meet again?
We promised the restaurant a revisit.
Would you meet again?
Yes. We are going back to Cord for a taster menu, as friends.
Oh.
OH.
Oh well. Better as friends than enemies. Let’s hope Imelda feels the same once she’s read this.
📖 – pre-order my amazing new novel THE GLORIOUS DEAD, out September
📚 – browse my fiction backlist
👉 – read my substack – this week’s post is about Madonna’s seminal hit ‘Hanky Panky’. It’s called ‘range’, look it up!
☕️ – buy me a coffee
📸 – ig: theguyliner
🦋 – theguyliner.bsky.social
🎵 – TikTok: theguyliner
Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post
The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. This one’s for Brenda.
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He says that about being friends but I’m sorry…look at the selfie on the full guardian page and tell me they don’t look like they just belong together. I know that sounds superficial but no-one ever looks that comfortable and happy together in those pics. I predict a slow burn…
“as friends” was such a knife in the balloon moment
It was, rather! They clearly got on very well and had shared values, lots of fun chat, felt at ease quickly, no misophonia or dodgy SoH, and blah and blah. Splendid. When Blind Daters don’t have a nice time, that’s one thing, and at least we know where we are; but when there are 9s and 10s popping up at the end of the evening while seemingly nothing else is- well, popping up, but we don’t need to be told- never mind! Do they really need to keep labouring the glum old ‘perhaps just as friends’, ‘not much spark, but…’ points? Some friendships can lead almost anywhere, and might well do so if they get off to a mutually good start like this one; so it seems to me a bit unnecessary to add the ‘I didn’t fancy him/her much, even after Three Whole Hours, so he/she had better not start getting ideas… and for that matter you Guardian readers, with your wild imaginations, vicarious urges and rom-com notions had better not, either. This is a sad serious world we live in, not a Georgette Heyer novel, so I’m going for Total Pragmatism and Harsh Truth and you can ALL lump it.’
We know… life’s a bitch, then people on SoMe tell you it is again, and some more, in inventive if ungrammatical ways. I wonder why people (not bored even for a minute, getting in the paper with a good story, full of free restaurant food and as much joie de vivre as any of us can muster in 2021) feel the need to make absolutely sure nobody can sue them for excessive spark-talk and meretricious flirtation?
Not being entirely serious. Good luck to these two. They do seem awfully nice and sensible… and when nasty silliness is so very much the fashion (2021 disease again), then hurrah for the other side.
Eh? Why do I seem to have thought it was 2021? Twice? Weird sort of mistype once, sure, but…? Sorry
Wishful thinking?
They are delightful and friendship is a good basis for everything. I think more straight couples should like each other.
I don’t know, I went on a not-quite-blind date at uni (overlapping friend groups but had never met, very shared social and political views) and within about half an hour in we both agreed we weren’t sparking romantically but were very much sparking as friends, and changed pace from awkward flirting to just…chatting friendlily. Which we did for the next four hours or so, then texted about a shared interest until around 4 am.
It’s been over a decade now, we would go out regularly for cocktails and a good gossup, vet each others’ prospective dates, go to museums, and I even went to his wedding (lovely lass, he positively worships her). Going on a ‘first date’ and coming out with someone who you wouldn’t shag but end up sharing an enduring chatty friendship would give me ’10/10, amazing, great company, we will be meeting again’ and meaning it.