Sarah and Russell

A couple of things we need to get through before we wade in with our knockoff Hunters that we got from the car boot sale from the man who has L-V-O-E tattooed on his left knuckles:

1. THE GLORIOUS DEAD ebook is currently 99p for Black Friday weekend. That is a bargain, I’m sure you’ll agree. You don’t need an e-reader, there are apps for your phone such as Kindle and Kobo and… whatever else. Please buy one! I need this! Haha.
   AMAZON
   KOBO
   BOOKSHOP.ORG
2. This will be a quick one because today I have to be somewhere.

Meet Sarah, 53, and a psychologist, and Russell, who is 61 and a behaviour officer. Here they are in the full-length mirror in Topshop (RIP).

Well. Read what happened on the date in full in the Guardian before returning here for the burning embers.

Sarah | Russell

What did you talk about?
His love of Montessori. Children’s play versus split digraphs. My trip to Iceland. Tree-planting projects … It was a bit of a whirlwind of abstract musings.

Sarah’s whale-watching adventure in Iceland. Her family living in southern Italy. I loved the story of her parents giving her apricots for Easter, as an alternative to chocolate eggs.

Montessori – I think it’s really important that I never know any more about this other than every Montessori school I’ve ever seen has always had upward of twenty giant SUVs’ jostling for pickup space outside. I don’t think you’re allowed to go to one unless you have excavated your basement to install a cinema room.

Children’s play versus split digraphs – I had no idea these two things were in direct opposition.

Iceland ✅ – A match! I must say I do like the odd trip there myself, especially if Robinson’s Fruit Creations are on a 2 for £2.50. (Sorry but any mention of Iceland must either contain a joke about Bjork or this sad pretend misunderstanding.)

Apricots for Easter – What a lovely idea. However, had it been my reality as a child, I strongly believe I would’ve grown up to be a serial killer. ‘And so, heart thumping in my chest, I tore the shiny ribbon from the huge egg-shaped box, wrenched off the lid and foraged in the candy pink tissue paper to find… an APRICOT’ is a villain origin story.

Good table manners?
Absolutely – he spotted I was wrestling with mussel detritus and in need of an extra plate.

Sarah was a smooth operator around the tapas dishes.

What do you do if you see someone struggling with a plate and you don’t know them well? Pretend you haven’t noticed and quietly fork a meatball into your mouth? Reach over and say ‘give it here’. After once going on a date where the guy shoved entire edamame pods into his mouth and chewed for what felt like days, I’m afraid experience has shown me you’re best minding your own business – but perhaps a quick google to refresh your knowledge of the Heimlich manoeuvre wouldn’t go amiss.

Did you go on somewhere?
No. Russell stayed behind to pick at the cold leftovers, insisting I was fine to go.

Oh. Oh dear. Oh no. The image of this is going to stay with me for ever. Dear Russell, sitting alone in a noisy tapas bar in Nottingham, chasing oily patatas bravas round a terracotta side plate, wondering what exactly what went wrong except… knowing exactly what went wrong.

Did you go on anywhere?
Sadly, no. I sensed Sarah had had enough and didn’t fancy me.

However correct he may have been, and however heartbreaking his solo portion of the meal may have been, letting Sarah leave and not subjecting her to more of a date that really wasn’t going anywhere is a heroic move. Most men might have plundered on, believing they could change her mind, or start to get very shirty about it. It’s a kind thing to do and, to be honest, Sarah was right to take the opportunity. Nobody should be anywhere they don’t want to be, except WORK or watching the Wicked press tour on TikTok.

However: walking Sarah to the bus stop might have been a nice gesture. You don’t have to completely flush just because you won’t get a snog. Mind you, maybe Sarah was clawing at the door like a tabby that knows there’s a robin outside.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
I’d not been on a date for nearly 15 years and it showed. I wish I had taken a chill pill.

Oh, Russell. I’m guessing they were your lucky trousers, too.

Marks out of 10?
7.

9.

Pretty decent marks for separate exits!

Would you meet again?
Maybe as friends. We have discussed visiting the east coast puffins.

We exchanged numbers to visit Bempton Cliffs in North Yorkshire.

There is an ever so slight tonal difference in these replies – Sarah should consider a side hustle as a diplomat – but we will go with it and hope that Sarah and Russell manage a slightly less frenetic conversation among the puffins.

And that they leave at the same time.

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