Martha and Jack

I’ve got a new book out this week, which is why I’m sitting here on a Saturday morning typing up this lovely review – promo never sleeps, guys. On the operating table today we have Martha, 30, who is an analyst, and Jack, a 26-year-old primary school teacher. They look like they’ve come third in an ‘I’m a little teapot’ competition.

Read the politely abrasive full-length date on the Guardian website and then return here for the lobotomy.

Martha | Jack

What were you hoping for?
A fun evening, a free meal, a story and the fun of appearing in the Guardian. But deep down, to meet someone that I really want to be with.

‘The fun of appearing in the Guardian’ – said with the wide-eyed innocence of someone who has not yet appeared in the Guardian. At least they don’t have comments sections on the GBD – apart from here, of course.

What were you hoping for?
To embarrass myself on the Guardian’s dime and get over dating app burnout.

Dating app burnout. All that swiping, scrolling, reading the downright LIES that puke from every single profile. Men holding fish, women holding martinis, mission statements that read like an early draft of Mussolini’s manifesto, ‘I like going out and staying in’, dick pics without so much as a hello, all that terrible grammar everywhere. I think I’d rather walk on my hands in London’s largest sewer pipe than open Tinder.

First impressions?
Nice-looking, a bit nervous.

NICE-LOOKING. Some of Martha’s answers were drafted by her grandma. Nerves are good on a date. Do we really want someone swaggering in like the Flashing Blade, pouring your wine with the confidence of a trained mechanic topping up an Astra with Castrol GTX?

First impressions?
Dazzling: a stunningly shiny outfit and she looked gorgeous.

DAZZLING is rather better. Although it pays to remember some things which dazzle are not your friend – the headlights of an oncoming juggernaut; Rylan’s teeth; the empty pages of your appointment diary; a Christmas tree as it falls on your head; the lighting in a big Asda; an estate agent’s fake Rolex. GORGEOUS is definitely a winner, though. This is what you want to hear, unless it’s said by your line manager as he adjusts his clip-on tie and asks you to help with something heavy in the stationery cupboard.

What did you talk about?
His birdwatching in Northern Ireland. University. Jobs. Friends and family.

My interests in photography and wildlife. Her fascinating India travel stories. Previous dating experiences.

His birdwatching vs my interests in photography and wildlife ✅ – two VERY different PR campaigns going on there, am I right? One slightly more glamorous than the other. ‘Photography and wildlife’ is going cross-country in a shiny SUV, head to foot in Purdey, cashmere flask at your hip. ‘Birdwatching’ conjures up two men – both with ‘Derek’ as their middle name – arguing over the last clingfilm-wrapped cheese and coleslaw sandwich while a hacked-off heron dive-bombs their hideout.

Most awkward moment?
He tried to make a joke about reading Atomic Habits and The Diary of a CEO, which fell completely flat. Partly my fault as I hadn’t heard of the books so didn’t get the joke at all.

I’ve heard of one of these hang on, let me go Google. While I’m doing that, a short advert for a book that is actually good:

‘THE GLORIOUS DEAD’ IS OUT 18TH SEPTEMBER!

Laurie Blount, celebrated playwright, is dead, and his loved ones mourn him and try to move forward – but rumours of an unpublished memoir haunt them. What secrets lie within? Will they destroy Laurie’s legacy? And can a dead man’s words be trusted? Life will never be the same again.

“Fabulously funny” – Good Housekeeping
“Witty, twisty, and touching” – Red
“Amusing, intriguing” – Mail on Sunday
“Juicy comedy” – Grazia
“Immensely clever and moving, dark and mature, a reflection on loss, on our compartmentalised selves, delivered in a gripping mystery” – Mhairi McFarlane
“Justin Myers has always been a master of characterisation, but The Glorious Dead is a step beyond” – Julie Mae Cohen
“So brilliant on grief, friendships and relationships, and, of course, with Myers’s warm wit” – Louise Hare
“Wise, warm, moving and darkly witty” – Marina Kemp

THE GLORIOUS DEAD is about £15 on Amazon at the moment, but you can find links to other, less controversial sellers here, or you can buy it from my personal bookshop, where I earn a bit of commission. This book means everything to me and if it sold a few copies, that would be wonderful. Thank you.

Okay so I Googled the one I didn’t know and couldn’t really get past the blurb but I wish both the authors well except for that one who does the podcast; he seems like a melt.

Most awkward moment?
Silences that I felt the need to fill with too many questions and over-sharing.

Desperate to know what genre of oversharing we got. Favourite ‘explosive diarrhoea’ stories? Teenage aerosol sniffing problem? Birthmark shaped like Edith Cavell on his right thigh? We will never know.

Good table manners?
Of course. I did have to teach him how to eat pani puri though.

Excellent. She showed a deft and experienced touch with the pani puri.

Philistine that I am, I had to Google again – don’t worry, I won’t plug my book again (out on Thursday). It looks very nice, quite fancy trying some. Not sure I would be need to be taught how to eat it – pick it up, open mouth, insert, my motto for most things tbh – but how nice for them they could have this romantic Eliza Doolittle-esque moment.

Would you introduce Jack to your friends?
I think he might be a bit overwhelmed. It would be like meeting nine of me.

Very precise number of friends. Wonder if anyone who had assumed they were part of Martha’ intimate circle is doing a quick headcount on their fingers and trying to work out if they are one of the nine, or merely a day player.

Would you introduce Martha to your friends?
I think they’ll all be too nerdy for her.

And as Jack’s friends read this, perhaps they will each wander over to their nearest full-length mirror and sadly turn their baseball cap back the right way round, before sweeping their Dungeons and Dragons board off their dining table in a blazing rage.

Describe Jack in three words
Thoughtful, sensitive, caring.

THOUGHTFUL, like a finger painting offered to you by that nephew whose thumb lives up his nose seventeen hours of the day.
SENSITIVE, like one’s cheeks after ten seconds of exposure to that Clinique face wash that everybody claims ‘you get used to it eventually’.
CARING, like you’d want your nan’s carer to be, or a politician, or a doctor’s receptionist.

Describe Martha in three words
Sparkly, warm, intelligent.

SPARKLY, like the partywear section of Primark.
WARM, like the Tube seat you sit in that’s still got fond memories of the ass that came before yours.
INTELLIGENT, like a person, not a chatbot that tells you your package’s estimated delivery date is an hour and a half before the eventual heat death of the sun.

What do you think Jack made of you?
He said I was confident, independent and sure of what I wanted, which I took as a good thing. Although I think he wasn’t sure if this was right for him as a potential partner.

Did Jack want someone meek, subservient, and… dithery when it came to choosing pizza toppings? Is Jack on a Tradwife hunt?

What do you think she made of you?
I hope that I came across as a passionate person who was interested in her, and that she left thinking I’m sensitive and caring.

She literally did leave thinking that! So congratulations on that small win.

And … did you kiss?
Unfortunately not.

We hugged.

Unfortunately for whom? The readers, I assume. Mind you, even if you do find yourself on a date with someone whose taste in books is questionable and doesn’t know how to eat nani puri, you might as well get a winch, see if there’s chemistry in other areas.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
Cliche, but obviously I would have had more of a romantic connection.

I wanted her to open up a bit so I could get to know her more.

Open up? Like the JAWS of a TIGER? Or a terrible book, perhaps? Also, it’s not really a cliché to expect a romantic connection on a date! That’s the whole idea.

Marks out of 10?
6.5.

7.5.

Hmm this is all so polite and restrained. I’m at a middle-class dinner party where everyone is having affairs with each other in between curating their pill addictions or gambling problems but all anyone can say is ‘This soup is lovely, Stephanie. Did Will grow the marrows himself?’

Would you meet again?
Coming into this I said I didn’t want to give the “as friends” answer, so, honestly: no, probably not.

But what if you did actually want to meet as friends? Would you not say it? My take: reading Martha’s answers back, it’s a little like when someone on Big Brother is slightly too aware of the camera and doesn’t poo for two weeks. It’s okay, Martha. You can let it go. We’re all friends here. ‘No’ is a beautiful word.

Would you meet again?
She was kind and friendly, but I am looking for a different kind of person.

This meeting could’ve been an email. Allow me to summarise: ‘No’.

This one is for John. 🖤

Me and multimillion selling, BAFTA-winning icon Adam Kay are teaming up this week at Waterstones on Tottenham Court Road for an evening of fun, wine (I assume, I won’t be having any), and revelations about our writing careers. Do come along, on Wednesday 17th September at 7pm. Tickets available instore or online here. There’s a BAR so it should be good.

I’m also appearing at Waterstones in Leeds on Tuesday 23rd and at Queer Lit in Manchester on Tuesday 30th and would love to see you at either or both of those! Why not, eh? x

❤️ REMINDER TO pre-order THE GLORIOUS DEAD if you feel able to do so – it will be with you Thursday 18th! PRE-ORDER NOW

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Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. Share the oversharing! No judgement! (Some judgement.)

Martha and Jack ate at Soho Wala, London W1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com