Edward and Matthew

My bat signal is two queer people in their twenties sharing small plates in a restaurant with high stools selling cocktails for almost £20, so here we are with Edward (28, a press officer, hairy top lip) and Matthew, (24, works in publishing, hairy chin).

Read the full date on the Guardian website – have two strong coffees beforehand, you wouldn’t want to watch a docusoap about them – and then return to my embrace for some lowlights.

Edward | Matthew

What were you hoping for?
My parents met on a blind date and I thought it would be a bit of fun.

The GBD is, by my reckoning, 16 years old now (and my reviews have been going 11 years this week!!!)  so we are perhaps only four or so years away from a Blind Date baby going on a Guardian Blind Date! Spoiler: I will hate this!

What were you hoping for?
When do you actually get the chance to go on a proper blind date? I had very little expectation; I was just looking to have a laugh.

You do not EVER get the chance to go on a proper blind date, Matthew, because, Edward will now confess:

Most awkward moment?
When he put his Instagram handle in my phone it popped up that I’d searched for him. I’m not a stalker, Matt, promise.

When something like this happens, you have two options. One: remove napkin from lap, dab mouth, offer hand to shake, rise from seat, collect belongings, disappear into the inky night. Two: throw your head back really far and laugh and say you LOVED those swimming trunks they wore on their holiday to Lloret de Mar in 2016. You have to brazen it out, really. Everybody does it, it is human nature, and perhaps we should be more open about it rather then pretending we know nothing about anyone. Hot tip: Never look at someone’s LinkedIn unless you are planning to take holy orders the following day.

First impressions?
Friendly and funny, if a bit younger than I’d usually go for.

Edward’s last boyfriend’s passport photo:

First impressions?
Great hair and moustache, and I liked what he was wearing.

‘Great hair’ is the second best compliment after ‘smelled like heaven’.

What did you talk about?
Our summer plans, the festivals we’re going to. We both love film, so we exchanged our Letterboxd top four.

Music, the different places in London he’s lived, where I should live next, our favourite pubs in the city. And how the beer Jubel is pronounced, which included asking several strangers and watching a couple of YouTube videos.

Letterboxd top 4 – my new favourite kink is to watch a series of awkward TikToks where A-list stars are cornered by Letterboxd’s social media manager and ordered to guess what their most popular films are. It’s never the arty movie that their agent told them was prime Oscar-bait, or the passion project they funded themselves – it’s usually a shoot and splat action film, or an animated blockbuster where they play a jellyfish-raccoon hybrid whose one personality quirk is constantly farting.

Jubel – I am ignoring this SPON-CON.

Good table manners?
It’s quite hard to eat Sri Lankan food with grace, but he did his best.

Sri Lankans right now:

Good table manners?
Definitely. We shared every dish.

Would you introduce them to your friends?
Yeah, for sure!

I’d just come from a friend’s birthday drinks. I did consider messaging them to see if we could rejoin them.

Sweet! But no, no, no never do this. Never involve the friends on a first date unless you are worried your date is the Boston Strangler. Have years of Friends reruns taught us nothing?

Describe Matthew in three words
Fun, friendly, chill.

FUN, like ten minutes on a pogo stick until you get off and remember that deep-pan Pescatore you had for lunch.
FRIENDLY, like a squirrel in your garden, who you think has come along to gaze at you in wonderment, when really he is just following the scent of rat piss over your patio.
CHILL, like the instructions on a salted caramel Frijj.

Describe Edward in three words
Intelligent, funny, well-dressed.

INTELLIGENT, like someone who doesn’t need ChatGPT to tell them how to microwave some peas.
FUNNY, like no episode of No Going Out has truly ever been.
WELL-DRESSED, like the assistants in Zara, who do not buy their clothes at Zara.

Did you go on somewhere?
We went to a pub and discussed how to pronounce the beer Jubel.

After all that talk about the best pubs in the city, he showed me one of his favourites.

One of Jubel’s marketing assistants is preparing a crate each for these guys as we speak and I am AGAINST this.

What is the best pub in London? I have no idea. I know plenty of terrible ones. Wherever it is, my best pub would have to feature NONE of the following: mottled dishcloth resting on the bar; scampi on the menu; a toilet that is down three flights of steps, across the stage in the Lyceum Theatre, then down three more flights of steps; Bryan Adams on the jukebox; PEPSI – no it is NOT okay.

And … did you kiss?
There’s just something in a Jubel that makes me want to kiss someone, so yes.

And … did you kiss?
Would’ve been rude not to.

But also: well done!

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
I think I’m looking for someone who’s in a slightly different phase of life.

Holding out for Harrison Ford?

Marks out of 10?
9.

9.

The universally accepted Guyliner/GBD scoring system –with tongues, no bumping uglies = 9.

Would you meet again?
I’m sure we’ll bump into each other on a night out in London.

I’m sure I’ll bump into him somewhere soon.

I’m going to hold your hand while I tell you this…

📖 – pre-order my amazing new novel THE GLORIOUS DEAD, out September
📚 – browse my fiction backlist
👉 – read my substack – this week’s post is about loss
☕️ – buy me a coffee
📸 – ig: theguyliner
🦋 – theguyliner.bsky.social
🎵 – TikTok: theguyliner

Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. And let me know what your karaoke song was!

Edward and Matthew ate at Kolamba East, London E1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com