Taylor and Joshua

I was asleep an hour ago. Life is just a series of disorienting shocks, isn’t it, administered at will by whichever higher power you favour that day (Beyoncé for me), like being wrenched, screaming and angry, from the comparative comfort and safety of suspension in amniotic fluid. Anyway, now I’m here, I may as well clamp my jaws around this date between Taylor, 28, an operations manager, on the left, and Joshua, 27, a musician, on the right.

If you’re the kind of person who watches that show on the deeper reaches of the EPG that is minute-by-minute documentaries on plane crashes, then read the full thing on the Guardian website first. If you prefer TikToks of pranks where people dress up as demonic nuns to frighten their husbands, just head straight to the main course below.

Taylor | Joshua

What were you hoping for?
Love at first sight. No, honestly, good conversation with a good person. Someone who was willing to engage with the spirit of the evening.

I am assuming ‘engage with the spirit of the evening’ is a euphemism of some kind. I would look it up on Urban Dictionary if I had the time.

What were you hoping for?
Honestly, just a decent conversation. A bit of spark wouldn’t go amiss either.

2025 – the bar is low, isn’t it? ‘Anything, I’ll take anything, just anyone that isn’t consumed by the many rabid bigotries and inanities that stalk the current discourse like a starving T-Rex.’

First impressions?
He had a quiet, calming presence. He arrived just before me and had already ordered a glass of sauvignon blanc, so I knew he was a man of taste.

I don’t understand what’s going on. Is this a Radio 4 comedy? A quiet, calming presence is quite a nice thing to say – about your yoga instructor. I suppose what Taylor is getting at here is that Joshua wasn’t one of those hysterical ‘everything we say and do is content and I must be ON all the time’ front-facing camera weirdos that I guess you might be slightly more inclined to find among a certain group of people in their mid-twenties. Maybe it is proof for culture war dickheads that, actually, people are all very different and categorising people by their generation is too broad and unhelpful and pointless and leads to unnecessary division. Or maybe this is a sweet way to say he was boring.

As for the Sauvignon Blanc making him a ‘man of taste’, it reminds me of this:

First impressions?
“Handsome” was the first word that popped into my head. Beyond that, he was immediately polite, genuinely warm and had a very friendly vibe.

Handsome is as good a start as any. Immediately polite good too. But again, what was Joshua expecting? What kind of people have these men been meeting?

What did you talk about?
His work as a professional musician and composer, which I found fascinating. We both have dual nationality, so we discussed the benefits of that.

Our US connections. Travel. Sport. Work. Family.

His work/Work ✅ – Always a plus to have a job that your date finds fascinating. As vital and important as netting condoms and wet wipes out of sludge at a sewage facility is – and I mean that – it’s not something you’d ever want to discuss over your Sauv Blanc.

Dual nationality/US connections ✅ – I have always been fascinated by people who are from somewhere else or have internationally flavoured parents. The best I can do is an Irish grandmother and various great uncles who fled to the States to make their fortunes/get bummed with abandon, but having two passports feels inescapably chic.

Most awkward moment?
The guy at the next table wouldn’t stop looking at us. I almost asked him if he’d like to join us!

Probably when a bloke at the next table decided to chime in. Bit of a buzzkill.

Ugh. I hate this. I know many of us have been guilty of livetweeting people on dates or having awkward conversations in suburban branches of Starbucks like we’re living in a soap opera but I do feel, in an era where very little is private, we need to leave people the fuck alone when they’re clearly doing their own thing. Obviously I have no idea who this person was and what form this interruption took – but Joshua’s use of the word ‘bloke’ is a heavy clue – but if you are ever in a restaurant and see two people either very obviously on a date or perhaps don’t know each other that well, you should let them get to know each other, and keep your own no doubt FASCINATING musings on dating, gay culture, and other banterous slurry to yourself. Just sit there and eat your damn food.

Good table manners?
Yes. His parents would be proud.

He was very good, though I might have noticed an elbow or two creeping on to the table at one point. Minor quibble!

This has the vibe of those ‘formal dinners’ that weird middle-class students used to insist on having at university – in the grotty kitchen of a shared house where the linoleum dated back to the Norman Conquest – to show they were actually very sophisticated people back home and not like the oiks with flat vowels on full grants (90s reference). Candles. Starchy shirts and chiffon dresses. Sauvignon Blanc. Namecards. Spag Bol.

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Now back to the Blind Date…

Best thing about them?
His ability to be open and vulnerable with a total stranger.

He’s genuinely curious and asks great questions, which makes you feel heard.

This is nice, isn’t it? Do we all feel heard these days? It seems a certain group of society are heard, often, and loud and unrelenting, and sometimes it feels like it’s all over bar the shouting – which they will also be doing, until their already red faces turn a plummy purple. So, to have a meaningful interaction with someone, away from that noise – despite the peanut gallery interrupting from time to time – was probably very healing.

God, I sound like someone who works on a crystals stall at Greenwich Market.

Would you introduce Joshua to your friends?
Probably not – but maybe he’d get on with my musically inclined friends.

Okay. You wouldn’t trust your pals to, y’know, be warm and welcoming to a stranger who perhaps didn’t share every single character trait? Really? Not so grownup after all, maybe. I mean, even if it doesn’t go well, you can watch them all bitch about the evening in the group chat and, I would hope, decide which ones to cut out of your life.

Would you introduce Taylor to your friends?
Absolutely. He’s got a good energy and seems like someone my mates would easily get along with.

A normal response!

Describe Joshua in three words
Open, kind, shy.

OPEN, like the gates of hell seem to be at the moment. Could someone maybe nudge them closed with the toe of their Birkenstock?
KIND, like a dear aunt who spoils you with sweets all day so that on the way back home you are sick in the back of your parents’ car because she hates your mother.
SHY, like the kinda guy who’ll only be miiiiiiine – Diana King, 1995 (!!!)

Describe Taylor in three words
Warm, outgoing, kind.

WARM, like a shacket over your shoulders in the third week in September.
OUTGOING, like democracy.
KIND, okay so now the auntie is looking after you again and she promises your parents absolutely no sweets, no definitely not, you’re right, Susan, they just eat too much crap these days, and instead feeds you very cheesy pizza all afternoon, which resurfaces a good hour from your house, all over the car upholstery, on a section of motorway with no hard shoulder.

Did you go on somewhere?
Does the tube station count?

No, of course it fucking doesn’t. What are you, nuts?

Did you go on somewhere?
Just a walk to the tube. Kept it chill.

I refuse to believe Joshua has ever said ‘kept it chill’ out loud.

And … did you kiss?
A platonic goodbye hug was the closest we got to first base.

No.

‘First base’!

Marks out of 10?
6.

A strong 8.

A 6. As those acquainted with the Guyliner GBD scoring system will know, this is a gentleman’s zero. Nought. Felt nothing, don’t want anything, never darken my door again. No love at first sight, no spark, not even a key to the ante room of the ‘spirit of the evening’. Just… goodbye.

The ‘strong’ of Joshua’s 8 is validating Taylor’s compliment that Joshua was not afraid to make himself vulnerable.

Would you meet again?
I don’t think so. There was no romantic connection, but he’s a lovely person and I enjoyed our time together.

Would you meet again?
Yes, definitely.

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Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. Tell me what that annoying gonk on the next table said!!

Joshua and Taylor ate at Sam’s Riverside, London W6. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com