This is it, then. It’s official. It’s getting hotter, you can smell barbecues and you’re never three metres away from someone with a Magnum hanging out of their mouth. It’s summer.
While you nibble on picnic food, drown your sunburn in aloe vera and endure weeks of barbecue-related food poisoning, don’t let these 25 losers make things worse for you.
This summer, you should never date a man who…
1. Wants to “try that latest pop-up place” he’s just read about.
Summer is ruined by these ironic “burger n spiralized mango” joints springing up all over. Remember: if you’ve read about it in Time Out, or your local equivalent, so has everyone else. And they’re all in front of you in the queue, or hogging the waiter, or ordering the last thing of what you want. They’re all slightly better looking than you, too, aren’t they? Did you notice?
2. Wears crocs.
I know doctors and nurses, for example, like to wear these on the job, but once the scrubs come off, so should the grim blocks of plastic. Nobody ever got excited about feet that looked like a game of Hungry Hippos.
3. Exclaims “Pimm’s o’clock!” at any time.
Any man who does this should be dumped o’clock. At half past bin bags chucked out of a window. And seen again only on the twelfth of never.
4. Has ever queued for a burger at Five Guys.
The burger joint du jour could only be a worse experience if five actual guys whacked off in your burger as you ate it. The queue for and cost of Five Guys would be almost justifiable if when you got to the front, you were actually banged by five guys. In short: dump the one guy who likes Five Guys.
5. Becomes territorial over control of the barbecue.
I’m a great believer in the old adage “Why have a dog and bark yourself?” and prefer to take a back seat to grilling. Plus, I don’t want blood on my hands if someone carks it thanks to undercooked sausages. Meaty double-entendres, jokes about vegetarians, singed eyebrows, sweating over your steaks – barbecue bores are the worst.
6. Says “let’s get a cab” when you could easily walk.
Or says “let’s walk it” when it really needs to be a cab journey.
7. From May to September, forgets the location of all the shirts he owns .
OK, bae, you have a great bod, but whipping your top off every time the mercury hits 11º – even if we’re walking down the high street, or at a wedding – is overkill. Put a top on.
8. Gives a toss about, and criticises, what women wear.
Whether he’s whispering she’s too old for a bikini or patronisingly congratulating her on her “fantastic norks”, a man who reviews a woman’s wardrobe like a general inspecting his cadets has got to go.
9. Prefers Amelle’s version of Red Dress to Mutya’s.
He can’t possibly be sane.
10. Refuses to admit he is in the midst of potentially disfiguring sunburn.
“It’ll go brown eventually,” he will beam as his entire face falls off into your margarita.
11. Bores on about festivals .
Extra kick in the nuts for any whingeing about the Glasto lineup. And another for calling it “Glasto”.
12. Has no concept of a summer trouser.
Is there a stronger strangler of ardour than a man sweating it out in nut-squeezing denim in soaring July temperatures?
13. Makes you go for picnics in the rain.
14. And then cracks piss-weak jokes about the British weather as a mild monsoon engulfs you.
15. Says: “I can’t believe it’s May/June/July/August already! It’ll be Christmas before you know it!”
16. Buys unsmoked bacon.
What is it for? It doesn’t taste of anything. It’s just food that is happening to you. “Ooh the thing I really love about bacon is the texture,” said absolutely nobody, ever.
17. Wears flip-flops with JEANS.
Flip-flops are bad enough, let’s face it. But there is something about a flip-flopped foot – always overrun with hangnails and callouses – peeping out from under a frayed jean that makes me think of Simon Cowell on his holidays. For flip-flops and denim to work together, they need ankles, calves and knees between them.
18. Has a ‘leg day’.
Try a ‘personality day’.
19. Shaves or waxes his ‘treasure trail’.
Also, never date a man who calls it his ‘treasure trail’. Or crab ladder. Or wanker’s ‘tache. There just isn’t a nice way of saying it, is there?
20. Has ever tagged a photo with #instagay.
21. Congratulates you on your work anniversary on LinkedIn.
22. Takes pictures of themselves in their bedroom without having a good old tidy up first.
Pick your dirty shreds up, for goodness’ sake. Bonus poke in the eye for anyone not getting out the Windolene before taking mirror selfies. ‘Toothpaste Splashes’ is not an Instagram filter.
23. Makes that thrilling – and totally original – observational ‘joke’ about fat people drinking Diet Coke.
24. Says “Can I get a…?” when asking for something.
Unless it’s a witness or a “whoop whoop”.
25. Posts on the internet screenshots of men he doesn’t fancy from Grindr.
Anyone who screengrabs pictures of someone on a dating app or site just to get a cheap laugh is probably not going to be a very nice person. Writing an anonymous dating blog is fine, though.
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