The dating arena is an unforgiving place. There’s no time to waste on that search for lasting love.
As ever, I only want to help, so if you want to separate the men from the boys and the woulds from the would-nots, here I have 25 more men you should, if at all possible, avoid when dating. Everything I do, I do it for you.
You should never date a man who…
1. Has a ‘hilarious’ answer-phone message.
Wacky outgoing voicemail messages are up there with novelty underpants, Homer Simpson ties, “Take me to your dealer” T-shirts and socks with the day of the week written on them when it comes to turn-offs.
2. Types “hehe” when he means “haha”.
3. Goes on about how Alanis Morissette’s Ironic isn’t actually ironic.
Yeah, I love to have someone explain to me in spine-tingling detail the official dictionary entry for ironic. May 10,000 spoons rain down on your head.
4. Says “Grauniad” or “Torygraph”.
Or the Daily Fail, or the Daily Diana, or the Scum, or any other annoying, smug nickname for a national newspaper. Apart from News of the Screws – but that doesn’t apply any more. (Interesting fact: my local paper growing up was called the T&A and NOBODY ever made a joke about it. Imagine.)
5. Tweets this picture and claims it’s his local Tesco.
It’s from Canada. And is really old. Piss off.
6. Says “thanks for the birthday messages” on Facebook before his birthday is actually over.
7. Calls holiday ‘annual leave’, especially in his out-of-office.
He’ll probably end up begging you for ‘sexual relations’, after you’ve had a few ‘beverages’ down the local ‘hostelry’.
8. Has commented “YAAAAAASSS SLAY” on a YouTube video.
Or indeed comments on YouTube videos full stop.
9. Still has a Yahoo! email address.
10. Thinks he’s less lame on social media than everyone else.
He’s wrong – we are all terrible.
11. Claims someone is pretending to be him on Grindr.
It’s him. 101 times out of 100.
12. Says #sorrynotsorry
He should be sorry.
13. Uses the word ‘funky’ about anything other than James Brown.
14. Thinks texting you the entire lyrics to Dress You Up counts as flirting.
15. Talks about ‘payday’.
Or goes on about being ‘skint’ at the end of the month. Ooh, minor, surmountable money problems? Now that’s what I call talking dirty. Let’s have sex immediately, maybe on a bed of bounced cheques and Starbucks receipts.
16. Has a strong opinion either way on the great, sexless Apple vs Android ‘debate’.
17. Has a birthday party in a bar and expects you to pay to get in.
18. Uses the word ‘shenanigans’.
It usually describes the tamest night of sipping weak cocktails in an All Bar One just off the ring road, gazing out at a car park while a lightbulb gently buzzes somewhere just out of your eye line. And that’s what the sex will be like. And every day for the rest of your lives. Always a buzzing lightbulb somewhere.
19. Won’t ask for extra gravy.
There should always be more gravy. The man who will get it for you should be proposed to immediately. Marry. This. Man.
20. Accepts the first table a waiter offers him.
It’s always the worst one.
21. Sets all his Facebook profile pictures to public.
He’s a slut.
22. Wants you to write about him.
What if there’s really nothing to say?
23. Doesn’t have a favourite Victoria Wood quote.
“You’ve a look of Eva Braun – did you know?”
24. Doesn’t think this is the best X Factor duet ever.
25. Thinks admitting his selfies are “shameless” means he can take five times as many.
And one more for luck…
26. Is James Franco.
I mean, I love him, but God he’d be exhausting. And you’d need a nailbrush before you even got going.
I could go on. And I will, soon…
In the meantime, check these ‘pearls of wisdom’ out: