archivegym bores

This is it, then. It's official. It's getting hotter, you can smell barbecues and you're never three metres away from someone with a Magnum hanging out of their mouth. It's summer. While you nibble on picnic food, drown your sunburn in aloe vera and endure weeks of barbecue-related food poisoning, don't let these 25 losers make things worse for you. This summer, you should never date a man who… 1. Wants to "try that latest pop-up place" he's just read about. Summer is ruined by these ironic "burger n spiralized mango" joints...

I have never dressed sexily for the gym – I have never seen the point. Either I have been partnered during my stack of memberships or, more usually, I have had no interest in romance among the kettle bells. In the dank, municipal hellholes where I like to work out, I have somehow known instinctively that Mr Right was not lurking by the lockers. While my latest gym is clean and modern, it is most certainly not a place where I will ever feel lustful and attractive. It is so basic, so...

The year is 2001. I am in a bar, talking to a gay man. I used to do that. He might be trying to pick me up; I can't tell. He takes another sip of his almost-drained drink and looks me up and down carefully. Here we go. "How old are you?" he asks, with a mouthful of beery spittle. "I'm 25," I reply. He surveys me again as if looking at a child's finger painting. Finally, he speaks. "If you want a body, you're going to have to get...