10 things not to say on a first date

1. “So having weighed up all the evidence and considering the fact that I was quite drunk at the time and I didn’t technically put it all the way in, do you think my ex was right to say that it was cheating?”

2. “I really like that you feel comfortable with your natural smell. I mean, you know, deodorants are really bad for the ozone layer anyway, aren’t they? And there’s something so primitive about a man’s natural odour. So sexy. Oh, you do wear one? Oh. Oh.”

3. “I have been on soooo many dates this week, it’s nice to finally just go for a drink that’s probably not going to lead to sex for a change.”

4. “But, no, the doctor said it would be fine if I just carried on using the cream and made sure anyone who touched it washed their hands before and after – but especially after.”

5. “Is that a grey hair?”

6. “What do you think of this?”

7. “I mean, the baby probably isn’t mine anyway, so I’m not going to worry too much about that until it gets older and starts asking for money.”

8. “I just want you to know that I’m not the kind of person who goes home with someone on the first date. I mean, I don’t know the area that well so wouldn’t know how to get home in the morning, so I always take them back to mine.”

9. “Yeah, I know, but hypothetically. No? What about this one, then?”

10. “I write a blog! It’s about dating, and basically I go on dates with loads and loads of different guys and then write about them and rate them out of ten – but I won’t write about you, I promise.”

Bonus things not to say on a first date:

11. “I’ve got some coke in my pocket. Do you want some?”

12. “Technically, we’re still together. Well, not technically. Actually. Physically.”

13. “What do you think of the coalition government?”

14. “I’m going to the toilet, and when I come back, I’m going to kiss you. OK?”

15. “You looked different in your photographs. I thought you were blond.”

Images: Flickr