Dating 101

What do you look for in a man? Nice eyes? Bright smile? Good taste in footwear? Ability to make you laugh? We all have tick-boxes and black markers at the ready when it comes to finding a mate. I can’t tell you who you should date – that is simply none of my business – but I can certainly advise you give this quarter-century of drips a wide berth. Yes, it’s another 25 men you should swerve to add to the 75 I’ve already blacklisted. And I should know how bad...

Dating used to be very simple: you meet a series of near-strangers for an awkward drink in a pub that’s always too noisy/busy/rough/far away from a Tube station, decide whether you like them or not and if so do it all over again in a nicer venue and perhaps with food. And then you get married. Now that everybody has the attention span of a gnat and is swiping left and right on their iPhones without so much as a thought for the kingdoms of emotions they’re quashing, dating has...

Kissing is vital in any relationship. While a gentle squeeze on the arm or the arse can remind your partner you care, a kiss on the lips – even if it's a quick peck in the supermarket – is the internationally understood shorthand for intimacy. And you have to really mean it, or your lacklustre kiss gives you away. You may think that relationships live and die on sex, but for me, the real test comes much sooner. If a guy is a bad kisser, it doesn’t matter how he...

You can’t get more upfront and visual than Grindr. It’s the frank, confrontational reality TV show contestant of the social media app world, assuring you if it has anything to say it will “say it your face” or telling you “what you see is what you get”. Of course the truth is something quite different. Grindr is merely a cloudy mirror, vaguely reflecting society but usually doing its own hair or photoshopping out its eye-bags. What it has done with its instant gratification storefront, however, is slowly strangle some of...

I get asked a lot of questions, both on Twitter and over email. Usually it’s things like “Is that your real eye?” or “Who’s that famous person you mention in this blog?” and other times it’s women in America trying to get me to link to their blogs about nannies, or contraception, or gay marriage. And then, very occasionally, it’s even more random than that. Sometimes, it’s just a question, like: “Is it OK to wear shorts on a date?” Well, it’s a valid question. Thank you to the shy...

No can be a tough word to say at the best of times. Another cake? Don’t mind if I do. One for the road? Make it two. No always seems to want to play hide and seek when you need it the most. When you’re online dating, a lot of dates happen when they really shouldn’t. Like a misunderstanding over a spilled pint which quickly turns into a bar brawl, these things should be nipped in the bud when you have the chance. Because you are so adorable, desirable and...

Well, you did it again. Was it the tequila, the summer heat, or just the fact that you never let an itch go unscratched which led you to be opening your eyes very slowly and staring up in mild discomfort at a ceiling you’ve never seen before? Yes, you’re 'back at theirs'. The horror, the horror. If the first three morning-after nightmares haven’t put you off for ever, there are even more just waiting to turn your stomach. The cold light of day on unforgiving flesh Well, surprise, surprise, he’s...

Online dating needn’t be as bad as you think. I survived, so can you. Just watch out for the don’ts and live by the dos. DO: Have a decent photo And more than one. You really don’t want to see that look on your date’s face when you turn up. Make sure they are well represented pictorially too. Cameras, contrary to popular belief, are compulsive liars. (Also, make sure you are going on a date with the person you think you are.) DON'T: Lie on your dating profile If you...

As I always say, your dating profile is your storefront, your big shiny window display that you use to get the punters in. But in just a few short sentences, you can turn your gleaming emporium of you into a rundown old convenience store, with dirty canopies, smeared windows, and nothing of interest inside. All of the following are based on actual openers from dating profiles I have perused over the years. "I’m kind of like a Charlotte in the daytime and a bit of a Carrie on a night...