What do you look for in a man? Nice eyes? Bright smile? Good taste in footwear? Ability to make you laugh? We all have tick-boxes and black markers at the ready when it comes to finding a mate.
I can’t tell you who you should date – that is simply none of my business – but I can certainly advise you give this quarter-century of drips a wide berth. Yes, it’s another 25 men you should swerve to add to the 75 I’ve already blacklisted. And I should know how bad they all are; I actually am most of them.
You should never date a man who…
1. Has ever photographed a latte
“Oh look! A heart/flower/fern/my name/shamrock!” It’s coffee, sweetheart. Although, on the other hand, imagine his excitement on Christmas Day. All you’d have to do is hand over a picture of a Starbucks Frappuccino and he’d be hysterical with delight.
2. Reads his horoscope out to you.
Also: crowd surfs. Nobody wants a shoe in the face, except maybe…
4. Uses the term ‘shoe porn’.
Because that is really quite a specific thing, and we don’t think that’s what he really means when he’s cooing over his Kurt Geigers.
5. Describes himself as a flâneur.
‘Branleur’ may be more apt.
6. Refers to Debbie Harry as ‘Blondie’.
7. Stands at the end of a Tube carriage drying his sweat patches in the draught from the open window.
8. Searches for himself on Twitter and favourites spiky tweets about him.
Yes, we’re talking to you, contestants on Channel 4’s First Dates.
9. Has tagged a photo with #instagay.
Or #instamood. What do these even mean?
10. Says something is “a bit Marmite”.
Unless he’s talking about Marmite.
11. Mentions his MBTI personality type in his Twitter bio.
I mean, I guess it saves time, but I can think of four letters much more appropriate to describe a man who does this.
12. Bitches about what other people are wearing, while himself looking like he was just rescued from a burning building by Edward Scissorhands.
13. Only adds a location to his tweets when he’s on holiday or in Kensington.
We know you’re mainly hanging out in New Cross, bro.
14. On a first date, tells you all about his mother but nothing about himself.
If he’s called Norman and runs a motel, run twice as fast.
15. Claims to be ‘influential’ on Twitter.
16. Says “I don’t even have a television”, like it makes him sound super sexy and interesting.
What other pieces of tec don’t you have? I have never been so aroused!
17. Cheers “WAHEEEEY” when someone smashes a glass in the pub.
18. Bangs on and on about Mary Berry and Angela Lansbury being ‘fabulous’ but never gave their ailing grandmother the time of day.
19. Pauses after fellatio to update MyFitnessPal.
20. Only takes time out of his busy selfie-snapping schedule to tell you that you’re self-obsessed.
21. Likes arguing with shop assistants.
22. Has bought a James Arthur song.
23. Boasts about having never read a book.
24. Says things like “Never apologise, never explain”
Unless dating a sociopath who talks like a coked-up Valley girl is your idea of heaven.
25. Would ever listen to the advice of someone who’d write a list as stupid as this.
Even someone who had a Masters in faux self-deprecation. *coy smile*
What kind of man would you never date? Tell me on Twitter.
I write a monthly column in the marvellous GT magazine taking an ‘in-depth’ look at the kind of man you shouldn’t date, from calorie counters to graduates to men who refuse to tell you what time they’ll be in the pub. It’s all very tongue-in-cheek, obviously, so please don’t start crying if you get a mention.
I also answer readers’ relationship/love/life dilemmas. You can find out how to write in to me about that on my Contact page. I actually take it very seriously and give genuine advice, referring to specialists if necessary. Don’t be shy; my bark is worse than my bite. Ish.