Dating 101

New Year, new you? Oh, come on, the only thing that’s changed is the calendar and the fact you’re one year closer to Botox. The least you can do for yourself in 2015 is make sure you don’t date the wrong man. The wrong man is waiting on every corner. He is tweeting at you. He is smiling at you on the bus. He is writing these words. You usually never know you’re with the wrong man until he starts doing something wrong, but if he meets one, or indeed...

What is it about those magic bells as December turns into January that make us desperate to lock lips with someone? Despite having a perfectly acceptable time all night flying solo, the impending “clanging chimes of doom” (thanks Band Aid) of New Year suddenly make us feel more alone than ever. And most years, if your significant other isn’t already a) a thing that exists and b) somewhere nearby trying to pee into a beer can to save having to go to the loo, you end up reaching out to...

Twitter isn’t just for cat GIFs, cod politics, think-pieces and bitching about reality TV, it’s also a place to find love! Spotting someone getting it on over Twitter is easy to do once you know how. Here are 25 signs those two faves you follow might be about to move on to being more than serial retweeters. 1. Regular liking of tweets – especially really boring attention-seeking ones. 2. Increased retweets. 3. Starting an @ conversation in response to nothing, not even a blogpost or a thirst-trap selfie. 4. Meeting...

What do the gifts your other half gets you for Christmas really say about your relationship? Welcome paroxysms of angst and doubt into your life with my handy guide to what his presents mean for your romantic future… A bubble bath/body lotion/face wash gift set The first thing you should do when opening this present is jam your hand into your armpit and then give it a going over to make sure you don’t pong. Is this a hint? On the whole, “smellies” aren’t a very fascinating present unless you’ve...

I have never dressed sexily for the gym – I have never seen the point. Either I have been partnered during my stack of memberships or, more usually, I have had no interest in romance among the kettle bells. In the dank, municipal hellholes where I like to work out, I have somehow known instinctively that Mr Right was not lurking by the lockers. While my latest gym is clean and modern, it is most certainly not a place where I will ever feel lustful and attractive. It is so basic, so...

They're hot, they're bored and they've got a smartphone. Meet the boys of Instagram who, you hope, your boyfriend hasn't met yet. Because when he does… you'll be filtered out of view. 1. Topless “night-night” selfie http://instagram.com/p/U9_m-doVxH You daren’t take selfies at bedtime because, eight days out of seven, you’re bloated from too much wine and you’re saving that spot to squeeze in the morning. Meanwhile, Prince Charming has plonked his pretty head down to rest in a sea of Touche Eclat, and is saying to your boyfriend "Imagine us here,...

The dating arena is an unforgiving place. There’s no time to waste on that search for lasting love. As ever, I only want to help, so if you want to separate the men from the boys and the woulds from the would-nots, here I have 25 more men you should, if at all possible, avoid when dating. Everything I do, I do it for you. You should never date a man who… 1. Has a 'hilarious' answer-phone message. Wacky outgoing voicemail messages are up there with novelty underpants, Homer Simpson...

What happened on the date Ciara | Andrew Good table manners? Yes. We both apologised for saying bad words the odd time. Good table manners? Perfect. She let me try me her dessert. "Bad words." These are grown-ups. They don’t look the types to throw out loads of C-words over the starters, so I’m guessing "pilly, woo, bum" was as bad as it got. If you can’t curse or drop a few F-bombs on a first date, how are you going to lead up to farting in bed when you’re...

Your dating profile – or the bio on whichever app your fingers are getting busy with – is your storefront, your prime advertising space. Sure, a picture tells a thousand words, but as anyone who’s spent more than a minute in the company of a  boyband can tell you, hot looks are no guarantee of a great brain or a good time. Given that most people are only a swipe away from dating oblivion, you’d think that guys (and girls, of course, if that’s your thing) out there might try...

The supermarket can be a boring and depressing place at the best of times, let alone if you’re single. Couples snogging in front of the very shelf you’re trying to reach – lasagne for ONE – or, much more likely, arguing about being organic in front of the tenderstem broccoli. It’s a nonstop misery-fest, from the very moment you pick up your basket – complete with someone else’s scrunched up receipts in the bottom of it, the bastard – to the awkward hunt for your loyalty card as your cans...