Even the most noble of queens can expect her loyal subjects to turn against her eventually. Be it a jubilee celebration too far or an over-zealous beheading, every serf has their tipping point. While not a glorious ruler of any realm in particular, Madonna has had queenly status bestowed upon her for the majority of her career by a legion of gay followers. Having some kind of interest in what, or who, Madonna is doing seems to be a side-effect of being gay. But now Her Madgesty has displeased her...

It’s an uncontrollable urge, a reflex action. No matter how hard you try, you can’t help yourself. Like a tantalising ‘Do Not Touch’ sign at an exhibition or a ‘Keep Off The Grass’ warning on a beautiful lawn, if you see a link to a picture on Twitter, you’ve just got to click it. What will it be? Another cooked breakfast? Perhaps a cordon bleu luncheon in a fancy restaurant? Maybe a heavily filtered Instagram rendition of a darling chimney pot at a vintage fair? Check the calendar before you...

Social networking always starts off with the best of intentions. The aim to encourage people to share information and stories and feel ‘part of something’ is all well and good, but when you throw a load of gay men into the mix, it isn’t very long before the talk turns from poaching eggs and what’s on TV to exchanging those infamous ‘headless torso shots in the mirror’. While some of us are intent on telling everyone about how nice our morning porridge was, the other half of Twitter has their...

If there’s one thing you learn when you’re looking for Mr Right, it’s that there’s a whole slew of Mr Wrongs just itching to get in your way. It’s like being in a computer game: you have to despatch bad guy after bad guy in order get to the goods. Only then can you reap the rewards. And to carry the tired computer game even further, most of the time you never get to that next level. It’s inevitable, then, that you’ll encounter disappointment on a first date. Whether you’re...

I’ve been on more than a few dates in the two years or so I’ve been single. Some have been disastrous, many have been delightful, but they have all had one common denominator. Each of them, without exception, has involved alcohol. Even the dates with the best of intentions, which start with walks in the park or a visit to a gallery, end in the boozer, with first impressions being made quicker than a pint of beer can go flat. Of course, any situation which makes you nervous can be...

So you’ve done the easy bit. You’ve arranged the date, spruced yourself up, shown up on time and, with a bit of luck, you’re in the right place. Now all you have to do is fill the next three or four hours or so. If you’re in a pub and drinking, the last two hours should fill themselves (don’t expect to remember any of it the next day), but for those all-important semi-sober first 90 minutes or so, you’re going to have to talk yourself charming. It’s easy, honestly. There...

So you’ve done the hard bit, right? Whether you’ve picked someone up in a bar or your eyes have met over an internet cable on an online dating site, you have managed to successfully woo someone into going on a date with you. Now, all you have to do is lay on the charm, keep the drinks flowing and your eyes bright and the rest will fall into place, yes? Well, maybe. You could be that lucky person for whom everything goes right with the minimum of effort. The rest...

The dating arena is second only to its Roman gladiatorial cousin when it comes to viciousness. But rather than fleeing knife-wielding savages, daters find themselves fighting off the advances of unwelcome, pot-bellied irritants or, more commonly, trying their best to seem attractive to those who probably wouldn’t urinate on them if they were ablaze. Your dating profile, be it on a reputable dating site or a seedy phone app, is your storefront. It’s your singleton SOS to the slew of eligible bachelor rescue ships bobbing up and down in an...

It's that time of the year when everything turns pink. Shop windows are festooned with flowers and love hearts become ubiquitous. Railing against Valentine's Day has become as much of a cliché as queuing up to buy a bunch of half-dead flowers and booking a table in a crowded restaurant, but I'm no ordinary "bah humbug" Valentine refusenik. I don't care about the commercialisation of love, the tackiness of the helium-filled balloons or dog-eared cards that tunelessly play the theme music from Love Story when opened. I don't care that just about...

Wow, that went well. You’re positively glowing, aren’t you? A first date has never played out so smoothly; absolutely nothing went wrong. An ideal venue, nary a break in the conversation, plus a bright smile and a promise to do it again at the very end. And then a cherry on top: an affectionate kiss on the cheek and a warm hug to send you on your way. Could this be it? The one? You don’t know. Maybe. You hope so. Excellent. On the bus home, you beam as widely as...