archivedrunk

Watch Me Date

Sarah and Ian

As a companion to their popular – well, I like it anyway – Blind Date series, the Guardian has launched Watch Me Date, a televisual feast that lets you, well, watch two people go on a date. Each hapless romantic, or freeloader on a wine recharge, is kitted out with a pair of Google Glass, er, glasses. And we get to see what happens. It’s bit like gonzo porn except there’s more sweating. I can't embed because WordPress is useless, but why not watch the video while you read my...
Bad dates

The Selfie

Imagine being the most selfish person in the world. Never letting people pass on a narrow pavement, never caring about anyone else’s feelings, never censoring what you say, just barging your way through life satisfying only yourself. I've often wondered what it would be like, but I'm not really a selfish person – it has been my downfall over the years. I've spent many lost hours wanting to claw my own eyes out in frustration at other people's self-centeredness, or waiting – endlessly waiting – for people who can't be...
Uncategorized

Victoria and Sam

What happened on the date Always tricky going on a first date with someone who doesn’t drink. The best way to handle it is almost certainly not drink a bottle of champagne. If you read between the lines, though, it sounds like Sam needed it.  Poor Sam must have been so legless, he can’t remember what Victoria’s table manners were like, so he went for the traditional “impeccable”. Except he probably slurred it so it sounded more like “perble”....
Good dates

The Reluctant Casanova

Stats: 31, 6’, brown/light brown, London Where: Soho, W1 Pre-date rating: 8/10 I lean forward on my hand and do my best ‘interested’ face as tonight’s contestant, dark-eyed, floppy-haired Matthew, regales me with stories about his ex-boyfriends. Well, I say, boyfriends – he’s dispatched them with a fervour and speed usually reserved for delousing a nit-ridden child. “I just can’t seem to tie myself down to one person,” he drawls, his eyes flicking to all corners of the room – no doubt scoping it out for any other, sexier men,...
Good dates

The Thriller

Stats: 33, 6’1”, black/blue, Gloucestershire When: Late 2011 Where: Shoreditch, east London Pre-date rating: 9/10 Dating is lonely; don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. You may be out night after night, making doe eyes at handsome strangers and maybe even rolling your tongue around their mouth, but it’s just a few short hours of conversation. The high is short-lived. Sooner or later you have to come back to your flat, the fridge filled with moulding vegetables (they never get used up fast enough when you’re cooking for one) and the...
Good dates

The Graduate

Stats: 5’ 11”, 24, black/green, Oxfordshire Where: The local When: November 2011 Pre-date rating: 9/10 The true currency of dating, the one you never really think about, is time. Whether you’re buttering up a honey in a noisy bar, doing extra lengths at the swimming pool to impress a buff lifeguard or stumbling through endless online profiles, the amount of time you spend on this initial process can be disheartening if the end result is less than satisfactory. Checking out pictures, flicking through your favourites and, of course, fielding all...
Follow-upsGood dates

The Great Potential, part 2

Second chances don’t come along every day and you never get another opportunity to make a first impression. It is these clichés which reverberate as I make my way to this date, a last minute reprieve for a potential romance I’d long consigned to death row. After his most recent text message, which tells me he’s available again four months after our first date proved to be a dead end, I surprise myself by not bothering to ask what went wrong with the guy he chose over me. I find...
Good dates

The Youngling

Young people. I tend to have very little contact with them, except for the ones who play dubstep through their mobile phones on buses or 'tsk' me loudly if I take too long a while packing my shopping bags in the supermarket. So it is with a sense of dread that I discover on the dating site I have been 'favourited' by a mere 25-year-old. He first adds me as a favourite way back when I first join the dating site, and although he doesn't have any publicly-available pictures –...
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