Impeccable Table Manners

What happened on the date This was almost a disaster – a double-impeccable. Thankfully, Paul (who is 43!!!) saves the day by letting us know Isabel (who is 41!!!) threw him a few burns. Look, they got on great and either use amazing moisturiser or have the best lighting wherever they go so let’s wish them well and overlook Isabel’s mega-disappointing “impeccable”. Photograph: Sarah Lee; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Shockingly, the “table manners” question was NOT asked. It’s a cover-up! Imagine how bad the answer must’ve been for them to leave it out. Or the journo forgot. The date was really boring, anyway. It would’ve probably been a double-impeccable. Photograph: Sarah Lee; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Imagine. Sounds like two wild boars fighting over slop in an eggcup.  Photograph: Graham Turner; Sophia Evans, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date It would perhaps be unfair to paint Kirsty as joyless – although she does a pretty good job of that herself. Her staccato responses to all the journo’s questions and a REFUSAL to even answer the all-important question – not even a cop-out “impeccable” – suggest there is something we haven’t been told.  I include James’s account of Kirsty sneaking through the ticket barrier because it explains a lot. Although I’m not sure what. Photograph: Sophia Evans and Frantzesco Kangaris for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Even before you get to the end, you can tell these two got on. How? Because they made an agreement on the key table manners question, that’s how. They obviously both demolished chicken wings with all the grace of a pair of starved dogs, but realised they were going to be in a national newspaper and so agreed to save face. And yet SOMEHOW, an impeccable snuck in there. Oh, Tom. I added in the awkward moments question as I feel the response adds context...

What happened on the date I’d love to know on what order the questions are asked. I like to think the table manners query comes toward the end of the interview, once all the bile has been expelled. It’s the only reason I can find for such incredible politeness over a date which, when you read the whole thing, sounds as much fun as having your balls waxed. Photograph: James Turner; Frantzesco Kangaris, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date This date actually went well. Notice ‘top bantz’ from Sam about his date not downing a shot. Lauren’s answer to ‘what we talked about’ is quite telling:  "Our jobs, five-year plans (I have one, he does not), anti-feminism, the fact that I want to learn taxidermy." The “I have one, he does not” is such a burn that Sam is no doubt picking up the ashes of his own head as we speak. And yet they wanted to meet again. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian...

What happened on the date OK, so this is more than table manners, but I had to put the “awkward moments” in because the “table manners” responses were practically a double-impeccable. I can’t even imagine why the waiter thought it was appropriate to butt into the date, but it doesn’t seem to have put them off. I do hope they didn’t tip. Sophie signs off with a “Sure, why not?” – sexy! – while Laurie is more cool, insisting it’ll be nothing more than a “friendly drink”....