Jonathan and Katie

Oh, the state of everything. Sometimes, as a writer, I am aware of a perceived responsibility to comment on everything all the time, but like everyone else – except columnists getting paid £££ to open the faucet spiked deep into their addled brains – I have run out of things to say.

Better, then, to shred two perfectly nice young people who have gone on a date organised by the Guardian. Read how it went between Jonathan, 23, a student, and Katie, 27, an environmental campaigner and then return here for the mercy killing.

Jonathan | Katie

What were you hoping for?
To meet someone outside my usual bubble, have an interesting conversation, and see where it goes.

Remember covid bubbles? All that insane lingo and weird rules that truly brought out the frustrated prefect in your neighbour.

What were you hoping for?
To meet someone new, have a great evening, a story to tell and who knows after that.

A story to tell. What kind? Cujo is a story, Katie.

First impressions?
She seemed quite joyful, which is always great. I was also immediately intrigued by her tattoos.

Tattoos of what? We must know! Daisy chains, gambolling lambs, and winking dolphins? Or bleeding daggers, snakes popping out of a skull’s eye socket, and Rosie the Riveter decapitating sitting senators with a chainsaw?

First impressions?
Friendly, chatty, good dress sense and he was exactly on time.

From what I could see of the date photo (in Saturday magazine), the Uniqlo separates  Jonathan was wearing were perfectly serviceable, but I don’t think they’d be hurrying Connor Storrie along to make room for Jonathan on the Met Gala red carpet.

What did you talk about?
Environmental activism. Project Hail Mary and whether the book or the film is better. The best bridge in London.

Cycling in the Netherlands. Sci-fi. The rise of the far right. Our hobbies.

I could feel the collagen evaporating from my face as I read this.

(Best bridge to look at: Tower. Best bridge to stand on: Waterloo.)

Most awkward moment?
I never quite know what to do when meeting a new person and fumbled a bit between a hug and a handshake.

Everyone taking their social nicety cues from Mr Bean, as ever. Maybe we should nail this down, get Parisian about it. A series of staccato, emotionless kisses – two for a stranger, three for a friend, four for a lover, five (with feeling) for your mother, but then full tongue for Jake Gyllenhaal.

Most awkward moment?
Neither of us was used to such fancy restaurants, but the staff were very kind.

Something about Katie’s answers tells me that she grew up in a town without a regular enough bus service to a larger town with a McDonald’s and a Claire’s Accessories. A village with a high drunk-driving prosecution rate, maybe.

Good table manners?
Great. I was glad to see she shares my opinion that napkins belong on your lap.

One of the things that really gives me away as working class is that I usually forget to use a napkin as I just wasn’t accustomed to them at all. If out,  still don’t remember to pop one on my lap until I’m halfway through dinner.

Best thing about them?
Her sunny personality and the happiness she radiates. I also like how passionate she is about what she does.

He seemed kind, passionate about his studies and a very genuine person.

‘Passionate about…’ comes up a lot and I used to think it was probably a good thing, but now I wonder if it’s code for ‘talked a lot, with long adjectives,  about whatever mind-numbing thing they do for money/pleasure’.

Would you introduce Katie to your friends?
I would. They would enjoy talking to her about environmental policy and her job.

Describe Katie in three words
Happy, passionate, inquisitive.

HAPPY, like my dog when I bring out some chicken for the fridge.
PASSIONATE, like I am about hiding medication in chicken for my unsuspecting dog (he knows)
INQUISITIVE, like my dog when a huge pill mysteriously falls out of the chicken he was eating

Describe Jonathan in three words
Interesting, friendly, kind.

INTERESTING, like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel.
FRIENDLY, like someone who is pretending to be a virgin, touched for the very first time.
KIND, like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day – okay this theme is substantially flawed.

What do you think Katie made of you?
I think she liked me and enjoyed our conversation, though I think we both felt the age difference a little bit when we talked about our lives.

23 and 27. Quite the generational chasm. But, yeah, I guess 23 and a student and 27 and actually working feel very different. On a related note, though, age gap discourse has done well to expose some of the creepy imbalances in relationships but also: remember nuance?

(Before anyone starts: my partner is the same age as me.)

And … did you kiss?
No.

No, I wasn’t feeling a romantic spark.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
He was lovely, but we’re at different stages in life and I felt a bit old for him.

27. Perhaps Jonathan should be doing what 23-year-olds were doing when I was a teenager in the 90s, and sitting outside schools in souped-up Peugeots (insurance paid for by their father), smoking B&H and waiting for their Year 10 girlfriends.

Marks out of 10?
I don’t put numbers on people, so just for the evening, an 8.

Marks out of 10?
8.

‘I don’t put numbers on people’ – Jonathan ruling himself out of ever volunteering at the London Marathon, there.

Would you meet again?
Definitely, but as friends. I think we agreed that we’re in too different phases of life for anything more.

Maybe in five years if we were in more similar places in life.

Would somebody mind painting a wall in Dulux Egyptian Cotton so I can sit and watch that dry for an hour to liven me up a bit?

If you liked this and want to support my work

Consider leaving me a small tip on Ko-fi.

or:

💔 – read my new dating column, The Myers Match
📖 – buy my new novel THE GLORIOUS DEAD
📚 – browse my older novels
👉 – read my newsletter
📸 – ig: theguyliner
🦋 – theguyliner.bsky.social
🎵 – TikTok: theguyliner

I wrote about the weird tabloid trope ‘X looks unrecognisable!!!’

My novel THE GLORIOUS DEAD is out on paperback in July and has a new cover. Preorders are key to my survival.

Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. Bless you both, but come on, out with it: what’s the best bridge over the Thames?!

Katie and Jonathan ate at Town House at The Kensington, London SW7. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com