Abby and Charlie

I kept a journal for a few years, until last summer, when I got sick of the sound of my own voice (or sight of my own handwriting). At the beginning of the year, I started again, but on the Journal app on my phone, just so I could keep a track of what had happened each day, rather than any comprehensive emotional exploration. The problem: I had to pick a heading for each day and, as any subeditor or harassed online journalist will tell you, finding a perfect headline to sum up what follows can be very tricky. At first I plumped for ‘Monday’ etc (usually on Mondays), but now I pick one random word from the day and it works really well.

The Guardian has chosen the below headline to sell today’s Blind Date column online:

And… that is absolutely not the right headline.

Anyway, today, Abby, a 25-year-old who is a partnerships manager for film, meets Charlie, 26, and a finance analyst. Hmmm. Shall we look at their shoes?

Very nice chunky black loafers wonderfully contrasting with the drape of Abby’s trousers there, while Charlie’s boots look like an exhibit at the Jorvik centre. And someone needs to teach him how to iron a buttonhole placket because MY GOD, you are being photographed for a national newspaper. Anyway, read what happened on the date on the Guardian website, and I’ll meet you back here at ground control to boldly go where no one has gone before – and perhaps never has at all.

Abby | Charlie

What did you talk about?
Our jobs. Rowing. Cycling. Book recommendations. Where we both want to travel to next.

Books. Travel. Space – until she questioned whether the moon landing was real.

Books ✅ – Book recommendations. I get asked about this a lot, for obvious reasons. It can be quite nerve-wracking because… oh who cares, we know what we really want to be talking about.

Travel ✅ – If the future of the world is a boot stamping on a human face, forever, then the future of dating is having photos of a gap year to Laos beamed into your retinas in 4K for an entire evening. Anyway, let’s get to the bit about the moon

Space/she questioned whether the moon landing was real – Okay, before we get to that bit, can I just say something? I don’t like space (Space?). It makes me feel sick. That’s it, really. Now: moon landings. Oh dear. In my head, there’s a piano playing, and the kind of polite chatter you’d get in the background of one of JR’s sex lunches in a sky-rise restaurant in Dallas. Glasses chime, cutlery grazes porcelain, and wine glugs out of the bottle.

And then Abby says it.

And everything stops. The air becomes taut, a breeze whistles through tiny gaps in the windows, and the piano player slumps forward onto the keys, dead – and in her back, with blood slowly tricking from the wound it has created, is an MTV VMAs ‘moon man’.

I mean, what do you do? She was probably joking. Or just trying to make conversation – maybe move the chat on to conspiracy theories, which might be the worst idea anyone’s ever had, but it’s still an idea, and better than talking about London rents and ‘the apps’.

Conspiracy theorists don’t look like they used to. Of course, they were rarer in the wild once upon a time, but most of them were found in a room at a party that you walked into by mistake, and were sitting on a bed, with Tiger Balm fizzing away in an oil burner next to them, looking like this:

And you’d smile at them, maybe borrow their lighter, then back out slowly like a fork lift truck carrying pallets of bone china spiders’ webs.

Most awkward moment?
When Charlie nearly set the wine menu alight with the candle on the table – it was more funny than awkward.

Indeed, in any other universe (assuming we believe in them) that would’ve been a bona fide, if slightly vanilla, awkward moment, but…

Most awkward moment?
My reaction to her questioning the moon landing. I didn’t quite keep a poker face, which put a speed bump in the conversation.

I feel a little sorry for Abby here, because this is a national newspaper and unless the other person had said this AND been an absolute terror and the worst date ever, I wouldn’t have mentioned this. There is something very ungallant about it. We have all, have we not, blurted something out and realised we sound like a two-year-old digging into their own nappy and shrieking ‘Chocolate!’ in delight while various adults run towards them screaming?

I used to think ducks and birds were separate species until… I don’t know, my early 20s, and the first time I revealed it was… quite harrowing. (It was just something I must’ve concluded as a kid and saw no evidence to the contrary – ducks = water, birds = not water. I don’t mind revealing it now because it’s EVIDENCE that we are all dickheads to someone.)

However, it is a bit worrying that someone at Abby’s big old age really thinks it might be a possibility – especially someone who works in film; she must’ve seen the odd documentary about it? Who shall we blame? TikTok? Being too near the end of the blunt rotation? A drippy best friend who believes everything they read in YouTube comments?

I also have little doubt here that Charlie’s reaction was on the humiliating side. Interesting that Abby doesn’t mention it at all, however. Maybe it was no big deal to her. Or maybe she was embarrassed. Or maybe every answer to this questionnaire ended in ‘BTW, the Moon is 100% a projection of a Babybel organised by the Illuminati’. Who knows?

Good table manners?
Definitely.

Aside from the near-miss with the menu and the candle?

Good table manners?
Really nice.

The moon landing, though.

Best thing about Charlie?
He’s one of those people that naturally knows a lot about everything. And his choice of wine.

‘Naturally knows a lot about everything.’ Drag him, Abby!

Best thing about Abby?
Super easy to chat to and really confident. There were no real awkward moments and we ended up chatting for ages – the time flew by.

‘No real awkward moments.’

Would you introduce Charlie to your friends?
Maybe, but it doesn’t sound like he would have enough time to meet them with his busy schedule!

People with ‘busy schedules’ make me feel tired. You can’t run from death by blocking out huge swathes of your calendar, but I wish you well.

Would you introduce Abby to your friends?
I don’t think our interests/hobbies overlap too much.

Describe Charlie in three words
Friendly, intelligent and down-to-earth.

FRIENDLY, like the woman who works in the bookshop and helps you find what you’re looking for – but then turns all the saucy books spines-in so children can’t be corrupted by two hockey players having erections.
INTELLIGENT, like… I suppose you would have to be to work at NASA?
DOWN-TO-EARTH, like Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins all DEFINITELY were when they were pretending to land on the Moon in 1969. [In my head Abby knows exactly what she’s doing with this choice of words.]

Describe Abby in three words
Friendly, outgoing, charismatic.

FRIENDLY, like the Moon.
OUTGOING, like Apollo 11.
CHARISMATIC, like Neil Armstrong’s speech when he landed on a load of crushed egg boxes in a studio in Van Nuys.

What do you think Charlie made of you?
Hopefully easy to chat to, interested and good company for a Friday night.

What do you think Abby made of you?
We had a really nice chat but she might think I was a bit much.

Maybe it could work out if you could took… one… small… step into the future.

And … did you kiss?
No, just a friendly hug goodbye.

And a GIANT LEAP away from each other.

And … did you kiss?
No, it wasn’t too flirty.

Moon.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
Maybe how close together the tables were? The people either side spent a lot of time watching us and listening in.

I’m sure once they heard that chat about the Moon landing they were LOCKED in harder than the bulldog clips holding Bradley Cooper’s face back.

If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
It would have been nice to have a bit more of a flirt, but I don’t think the chemistry was there for that.

I suppose once she trotted out the Moon thing, and you either a) pissed yourself laughing b) or ‘Well Actually’-ed her into a coma, the romance would’ve suffered a total lack of oxygen – LIKE THE MOON.

Marks out of 10?
8. It was a good night and the restaurant was amazing, but there wasn’t really a romantic spark.

When the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s AMORE.
When the landing was hoaxed, and you don’t make a joke, that’s the DOOR-AY

Marks out of 10?
6.

That’s half as many people who have walked on the surface of the Moon – UNLESS…?!?!?! SEE CoMMMents on MY xclusiv ‘THE MOON LANDINGS WERE LADY GAGA PERFORMANCE ART’ video.

Would you meet again?
Maybe as friends – or if I ever wanted to learn how to row.

‘Or if I ever wanted a guy who irons his shirts with a knife and fork to mansplain how three men landed a pimped-up tumble dryer on the surface of the Moon and didn’t find one scrap of cheese.’

Would you meet again?
I had a great evening and Abby was super easy to chat to but I think we are looking for different things in a partner.

‘Ideally I am looking for someone who does not say things like “Maybe the Moon landings weren’t real” in a formal dining setting.’

Good luck both of you! x

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Something to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every post

The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don’t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you’re one of the daters, get in touch if you want to give me your side of the story. Abby, I BELIEVE YOU. 

Abby and Charlie ate at Salut!, London N1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com