How to be picture perfect

Pictures are quite important when it comes to online dating. Sure, your blurb helps get your personality across, but in the real world, what you look like is likely to make more of an instant impact.  So it’s crucial that your photos make you look as all-out hot as possible. And if you can’t rely on God-given beauty, your photos can at least present to your ‘audience’ what kind of person you are.

Profile pictures can either be the catalyst for much excitement when you realise that somebody smoking hot is interested in you, or the portent of doom when you’re pursued by a person whose face wouldn’t look out of place painted on the side of a ghost train.

Selecting your photos should not be done alone. Get a second or third opinion before uploading any. What you might think are fantastic photos of your lovely self, others might find the prospect of kissing a corpse more inviting than dating someone who looks like you do in your pics.

And before you publish a whole load of carefully posed mirror shots, stop and think. Don’t post too many that you’ve taken yourself: potential dates will just think you’re a posing tit with narcissistic tendencies. By the same token, avoid too many pictures of you having ‘crazy’ nights out, especially if you have ugly friends. As Granny used to say: “Expect to be judged by the company you keep”. So if you’re hanging out with mingers, expect some of that  ming to rub off on you. Equally, don’t post pictures of yourself with hot mates, or potential dates might meet you just to get to the hot stuff you hang around with.

Pictures taken in natural situations are best; nobody really wants to see you staring out to sea looking pensive, unless that’s how you intend to behave on your date, of course.

But what does your profile picture really say about you?

Drink in hand: alcoholic
Pulling a funny face: ugly when straight-faced
Lots of holiday shots: ripe for gold-digging
Topless: looked like that 5 years ago
With former partner: unable to let go/ partner is dead under floorboards
Alone in untidy lounge: will rape and kill the next date that is 5 minutes late
In fancy dress: manic depressive at all other times
Smiling with mouth closed in all pictures: teeth like park railings
With family: mummy’s boy
Doing a sporting event: makes up for lack of personality by abseiling
Graduation photo: not the kind of person who takes photos of very often, or has achieved very little of interest since
In bright lighting: trying to obscure wrinkles deeper than the Grand Canyon
From far away: Michael Bolton lookalike
Very close-up: horrible body
No picture: Plug from Bash Street Kids/ married
Picture of someone else: Frankenstein’s monster/ married