Impeccable Table Manners

What happened on the date Josh | Alexandra Good table manners? She didn't use her napkin. Good table manners? Generally very good. You wouldn’t think somebody with as much hair going on as Josh would be so particular, would you? But Alexandra’s napkin faux-pas was unforgivable. Alexandra got her own back, however, by arranging to meet Josh again but, I assume, not turning up. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian ...

What happened on the date Ciara | Andrew Good table manners? Yes. We both apologised for saying bad words the odd time. Good table manners? Perfect. She let me try me her dessert. "Bad words." These are grown-ups. They don’t look the types to throw out loads of C-words over the starters, so I’m guessing "pilly, woo, bum" was as bad as it got. If you can’t curse or drop a few F-bombs on a first date, how are you going to lead up to farting in bed when you’re...

What happened on the date Sam | Rebecca Any awkward moments? She showed me a picture of her sick at one point, but assured me her grandparents had already seen it. Good table manners? Impeccable. Good table manners? Very. I tried to make him eat a decorative pebble for £20, but he refused. I include Sam’s answer to the awkward moments question here because it shows the “impeccable” stock reply up for what it really is. props to Rebecca for very likely early on seeing this date was going to...

What happened on the date Paul | Isabel Good table manners? Impeccable. She said she was clumsy, but I think that was to mitigate my messy side of the table. Good table manners? Impeccable. This was almost a disaster – a double-impeccable. Thankfully, Paul (who is 43!!!) saves the day by letting us know Isabel (who is 41!!!) threw him a few burns. Look, they got on great and either use amazing moisturiser or have the best lighting wherever they go so let’s wish them well and overlook Isabel’s mega-disappointing...

What happened on the date Shockingly, the “table manners” question was NOT asked. It’s a cover-up! Imagine how bad the answer must’ve been for them to leave it out. Or the journo forgot. The date was really boring, anyway. It would’ve probably been a double-impeccable. Photograph: Sarah Lee; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Rich | Gabrielle Good table manners? She handled stringy onion rings like a pro. Good table manners? Neither of us was prim and proper. Imagine. Sounds like two wild boars fighting over slop in an eggcup. Photograph: Graham Turner; Sophia Evans, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date James | Kirsty Any awkward moments? She got caught trying to go through the tube gates on my Oyster card, and she fell down the stairs. Good table manners? Great! Good table manners? That’s a bourgeois idea. It would perhaps be unfair to paint Kirsty as joyless – although she does a pretty good job of that herself. Her staccato responses to all the journo’s questions and a REFUSAL to even answer the all-important question – not even a cop-out “impeccable” – suggest there is...

What happened on the date Tom | Isabel Any awkward moments? The first 10 minutes, after the host told the whole bar I was on a blind date. Good table manners? Impeccable, even with chicken wings. Good table manners? Contended admirably with chicken wings. Even before you get to the end, you can tell these two got on. How? Because they made an agreement on the key table manners question, that’s how. They obviously both demolished chicken wings with all the grace of a pair of starved dogs, but realised...

What happened on the date Jane | Crudgie Any awkward moments? When I proposed we wrap up the evening when I thought we were running low on conversation. Good table manners? Yes. Good table manners? Of course. I’d love to know on what order the questions are asked. I like to think the table manners query comes toward the end of the interview, once all the bile has been expelled. It’s the only reason I can find for such incredible politeness over a date which, when you read the whole thing,...

What happened on the date Lauren | Sam Good table manners? Very – he let me order the wine. Good table manners? Yep, although slight black mark for sipping a shot. This date actually went well. Notice ‘top bantz’ from Sam about his date not downing a shot. Lauren’s answer to ‘what we talked about’ is quite telling: "Our jobs, five-year plans (I have one, he does not), anti-feminism, the fact that I want to learn taxidermy." The “I have one, he does not” is such a burn that Sam is no...