Impeccable Table Manners

What happened on the date An exciting deviation from the norm in an attempt to add content to the worst question of the entire column. Effort appreciated, but the use of “textbook” makes me feel a bit ill. And sharing food is a prelude to sex and they didn’t actually do that – so no. Unless your hands are planning to wander far and wide, keep them off your date’s plate. Especially with cheese, the least sexy food since polenta. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian...

What happened on the date A rare consecutive same-sex date sees the participants attempt diplomacy in what was clearly a glorified worm-eating contest. Take a tip from these guys: when eating ramen and it goes horribly wrong – as this evidently did – just agree on what you’re going to say before it goes in a national newspaper. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Ooh, a gay date. Yay. They usually have a little bit of vinegar amid the usual plaudits. Kaush (top answer) actually tries to fling some subtle shade Mark’s way (“Neither seemed to mind” = “I noticed. I minded.”) but Mark rescues the date by answering with the only true answer. Impeccable. Photograph: Frantzesco Kangaris; Linda Nylind, both for the Guardian...

What happened on the date Josh | Alexandra Good table manners? She didn't use her napkin. Good table manners? Generally very good. You wouldn’t think somebody with as much hair going on as Josh would be so particular, would you? But Alexandra’s napkin faux-pas was unforgivable. Alexandra got her own back, however, by arranging to meet Josh again but, I assume, not turning up. Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian ...

What happened on the date Ciara | Andrew Good table manners? Yes. We both apologised for saying bad words the odd time. Good table manners? Perfect. She let me try me her dessert. "Bad words." These are grown-ups. They don’t look the types to throw out loads of C-words over the starters, so I’m guessing "pilly, woo, bum" was as bad as it got. If you can’t curse or drop a few F-bombs on a first date, how are you going to lead up to farting in bed when you’re...

What happened on the date Sam | Rebecca Any awkward moments? She showed me a picture of her sick at one point, but assured me her grandparents had already seen it. Good table manners? Impeccable. Good table manners? Very. I tried to make him eat a decorative pebble for £20, but he refused. I include Sam’s answer to the awkward moments question here because it shows the “impeccable” stock reply up for what it really is. props to Rebecca for very likely early on seeing this date was going to...

What happened on the date Paul | Isabel Good table manners? Impeccable. She said she was clumsy, but I think that was to mitigate my messy side of the table. Good table manners? Impeccable. This was almost a disaster – a double-impeccable. Thankfully, Paul (who is 43!!!) saves the day by letting us know Isabel (who is 41!!!) threw him a few burns. Look, they got on great and either use amazing moisturiser or have the best lighting wherever they go so let’s wish them well and overlook Isabel’s mega-disappointing...