The Stan
You don’t meet many men called Stan these days.
Oh, honey, take a seat. This guy is the ultimate fan.
Who’s the object of his affection?
No point preening in the mirror – he’s not interested in you. Beysus, Godney, Ari, Mimi, Cher, Madge, Gaga. Um, even Louise, on occasion. The mononym elite. The only queens he has eyes for are pop divas who SLAY.
Pop stars with a side line in serial killing?
? God, you’re basic. The only fatalities are YOUR faves. Weaves are snatched, fuckboys are dragged, reads are given and YOU need to delete your account.
I have no idea what’s going on. Where do these guys hang out?
When they’re not screaming themselves hoarse in the front row of a Carly Rae Jepsen concert (mononym: Jeppo), they’re online shutting down haters, posting GIFs of Mariah saying, “I don’t know her” and tweeting #BuyPerfectIllusioniTunes to their 23,000 bought followers, all eggs and pornbots.
How do I get his attention?
Write a blog called “Why I hate Beyoncé” – he’ll soon be along to tell you why you should be dead.
Who are his pals?
Other Stans who agree with everything he says or, puzzlingly, polar opposites he can argue with or try to convert. As long as he’s talking about his fave, he’s happy.
Why is he so passionate?
To be serious for a moment, fandom gives him a voice, something to aspire to. Sidelined, maybe, by the more conformative areas of society and its obsession with straightness, he ploughs his affections, his energy and his critical prowess into his favourite pop divas. Men are for shagging or, more likely, avoiding, whereas his shining, glamorous pop queens are there to be adored – they will never let him down. Unless they do something problematic. Then they’re cancelled.
He keeps telling me to go die in a fire and that Ariana Grande could easily slaughter my favourite female singer. Should I be worried?
Aw. Cute. He’s flirting with you!
Most likely to say:
“YAAAAAAAS QUEEN.” “This Britney bonus track is giving me life.” “Drag her mom.” “She is NOT miming.” “Bitch my queen outsold.” “Dead. Dying. Mom.”
Least likely to say:
“You’re right, that vocal performance was underwhelming.”
Would he make a good boyfriend?
Well, at least he’s loyal, and enthusiastic. Just don’t come for his faves, OK?
Am I a Stan?
If you understood more than three words of the above and don’t want to cut me when I say Mariah hasn’t released a decent single in 10 years, then no. And by the way, Madonna is QUEEN. Sorry, I only deal with facts.
Words: Justin Myers
Illustration: Ian Nicholson
Next time: The Headless Torso
