Can’t live with ’em… can’t live with ’em at all. The men you’re likely to meet on the dating “scene”, by me, in what you might call a “sideways look at life”. This week, hang on… let me just take a selfie. He’s never far away from the perfect shot and, honey, that filter looks great on you: It’s the #instagay
Can a man be a hashtag?
Petal, it’s 20gayteen; we’re all a hashtag.
So what does the #instagay do?
He snaps away, building that brand and aiming for as many likes as he can before bedtime, whereupon he’ll take a selfie seconds before he goes to sleep, just to secure some more while he’s out for the count.
Where would I find him?
In the gym, click-click-clicking away in the mirror, getting in everyone’s way, hovering over carefully constructed lunches in hipster cafes, taking a #sneakypic, or somehow losing his shirt in a very public place. Asda, the GP waiting room, a funeral – those nips will be O U T.
How will I recognise him?
You’ll have seen him already on Instagram, of course. If you’re a beginner, keep an eye out for a pigeon-toed guy in immaculate shoes – “a gift from Nu Shooz boutique in Tamworth, thanx guys xxx #ad #spon” – being photographed by a terminally bored pal.
Who are his friends?
Anyone willing to take his picture, gullible brands, people who comment “wooooo sexy!!!” or “yum yes pls” on all his pics.
Who are his enemies?
Ugly people who don’t fit his “aesthetic”, photobombers, people who say the word “influencer” with a face like they just drank a vat of sour cream, cafés with no wifi, anyone who serves him food that’s not photographable, people who use selfie sticks, hot men who don’t pick up on the fact his latest Insta story was just for them.
Would he make a good boyfriend?
If you’re cool with 17,000 gay guys slavering over your man because he can’t go a day without taking a picture of himself in the shower, then maybe.
Most likely to say:
#nofilter #like4like #gaypicoftheday #instagay “Can you take it again?”
Least likely to say:
“Let me take a picture of you!”
Am I an #instagay?
Check the top five rows of your Instagram. If the selfies and lunch snaps outnumber everything else, then yes you are! Shall we take this one again?
Words: Justin Myers
Illustration: Ian Nicholson
Next time: The Unicorn