So many men, so little time to keep track of their habits. Luckily, there’s always someone willing to do the research on your behalf, and that someone is me. Starting today, I present my quick pass notes to all the 21st century boys you may meet. First up, the “Twitter Gay”…
That’s a thing? A gay guy on Twitter? Who cares?
What? Gay Twitter is up there with the illuminati when it comes to sphere of influence.
So what does a Twitter Gay do?
He’s online 24/7 amassing as many RTs as possible, with his angry blogs, bad opinions, sassy GIFs. Plus, he’s cultivating a lifetime’s supply of ‘lusty likes’ for his breathless, shirtless inner circle by posing in his lurid underwear. If you’ve misplaced a sock, it’s probably down his pants.
Where would I find him?
Online, duh! Oh you’ll see him in the bars, but don’t expect conversation – IRL is so zzzz. He’s too busy working out how to get away with nicking your best memes.
How will I recognise him?
Well, take his avatar and imagine it without 13 filters and the ‘blemish’ tool. Failing that, look for a guy with his head down, furiously typing about what an outrage everything is.
What’s his chat-up method?
WhatsApp messages, sent in Impact font.
What’s he outraged by?
Like I said, everything. Just as long as it gets the love-hearts popping.
Who are his pals?
Anyone with over 3,000 followers, turbo-flirts, bots that translate all Trump’s tweets to the poo emoji.
Would he make a good boyfriend?
He’ll be very up on current affairs, but you’ll have to compete with the endless buzz-ping-flash of all those notifications.
Most likely to say:
“PLEASE someone bring me bacon!” “Wow. Just wow.” #HashtagCauseOfTheDay
Am I a Twitter gay?
There’s only one way to find out – sliiiiiiiiide into my DMs and I’ll tell you. And bring your best GIFs.
Words: Justin Myers
Illustration: Ian Nicholson
Next week: The Gym Rat