The Twitter Gay

So many men, so little time to keep track of their habits. Luckily, there’s always someone willing to do the research on your behalf, and that someone is me. Starting today, I present my quick pass notes to all the 21st century boys you may meet. First up, the “Twitter Gay”…

That’s a thing? A gay guy on Twitter? Who cares?

What? Gay Twitter is up there with the illuminati when it comes to sphere of influence.

Really?

No.

So what does a Twitter Gay do?

He’s online 24/7 amassing as many RTs as possible, with his angry blogs, bad opinions, sassy GIFs. Plus, he’s cultivating a lifetime’s supply of ‘lusty likes’ for his breathless, shirtless inner circle by posing in his lurid underwear. If you’ve misplaced a sock, it’s probably down his pants.

Where would I find him?

Online, duh! Oh you’ll see him in the bars, but don’t expect conversation – IRL is so zzzz. He’s too busy working out how to get away with nicking your best memes.

How will I recognise him?

Well, take his avatar and imagine it without 13 filters and the ‘blemish’ tool. Failing that, look for a guy with his head down, furiously typing about what an outrage everything is.

What’s his chat-up method?

WhatsApp messages, sent in Impact font.

What’s he outraged by?

Like I said, everything. Just as long as it gets the love-hearts popping.

Who are his pals?

Anyone with over 3,000 followers, turbo-flirts, bots that translate all Trump’s tweets to the poo emoji.

Would he make a good boyfriend?

He’ll be very up on current affairs, but you’ll have to compete with the endless buzz-ping-flash of all those notifications.

Most likely to say:

“PLEASE someone bring me bacon!” “Wow. Just wow.” #HashtagCauseOfTheDay

Am I a Twitter gay?

There’s only one way to find out – sliiiiiiiiide into my DMs and I’ll tell you. And bring your best GIFs.

Words: Justin Myers
Illustration: Ian Nicholson

Next week: The Gym Rat