Guest post: Deciphering dating profile baloney

When you have trawled as many dating profiles as I have, it’s easy to become jaded and embittered. After a while, you wonder whether you are reading too much into what they say – every comma splice and superfluous adjective leapt upon and seen as a valid reason to chuck a guy on the reject pile. So I must offer a fresh pair of eyes, a new perspective – I’m presenting a guest post. And by a girl! I know, right? And I’m not even drunk.

Meet Laura McGreary, of Love Cup Online Dating. While she isn’t officially a dating expert (the only letters after her name are GSOH), she’s certainly done more than her fair share. After all, practice makes perfect. (And no, I’m not getting paid to put this up.) Laura, take it away…

“With more and more of us turning to the net to find love, dating profiles are becoming increasingly elaborate. Unfortunately, these dating versions of War and Peace make it pretty difficult to tell who wants a seedy one-night affair and who is looking to get hitched. Now, while some of us are most definitely looking for seedy, we can often get caught out by an inventive dating profile and instantly our hunk becomes the Elephant Man.

Fear not! I’m here to help you decipher that dating profile bullshit to make sure you always leave satisfied. As Karl Marx said “Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality!”

Perception versus reality
To avoid disappointment when searching for a potential ‘mate’, try to take that pixel-perfect image with a pinch of salt. Rip down the digital veil that is an internet dating profile and imagine that person creating their profile. Sitting in their boxers. In their mum’s spare room. Is that perfectly posed default image starting to look a little fuzzier?

FACT! Research has shown that the less often people say ‘I’ in their dating profile, the more deceptive the profile is.

Say what?
Gay dating sites are full of elaborately exaggerated profiles and more often than not there are hidden meanings behind anything that is written, for example:

Discreet – This guy has a wife and kids and definitely doesn’t want them to find out about his extra curricular activities.
Taboo – Alarm bells! Unless you want someone to defecate on your chest or engage in paedophile role-play avoid this profile at all costs!
Twink – Being a self proclaimed twink is not acceptable. If this guy is over 21 and describing himself as a Twink you can guarantee he has a major case of age insecurity.
Submissive (but then goes on to list a thousand ‘wants’ from a potential partner) – Fancy doing all the work? Take this lazy bottom out for a date then!
Artsy/Misunderstood – suicidal/bi-polar.
Hipster – Read: complete douche!
Looking for my soul mate – This guy will stalk to you and tie you up in his basement.
Looking for a partner in crime – The only crime you will commit with this guy is his murder when you realise he is boring you to death.
Not very good at talking about myself – If you’re looking for someone who is completely social inept then this is the guy for you! If they can’t write a few lines about themselves how do you expect a date to pan out?
Just got out of a relationship – If they have to mention their previous relationship it was DEFINITELY traumatic.

FACT! People who lie on their dating profile will often use negation – e.g. “not boring” instead of “exciting”

Pixel perfect
If there is no photo, for the love of God, do not go there. He is either a) married b) hideous c) a scammer. Equally, photos seem one-dimensional but can divulge much more than you think. If he’s wearing a hat in all his photos he is definitely bald and upset about it. If he’s posing beside a sports car he probably has a small penis. And the car isn’t his.

As a general rule of thumb, add half a stone to the weight stated (unless it’s very high, then you can pretty much double it and bring a winch to the date) and take 3 inches off their height.

TIP! If they haven’t paid for full membership on a dating site, they certainly won’t be buying you a drink, or be generous in the sheets…

Oh, and if he uses ‘lol’ think very carefully about whether you want to spend any time with a guy that ‘laughs out loud’ at everything he says…”