1. If I arrive first it will make me look responsible and also like I care and that I'm… not flighty. It will not make me seem overly keen and boring, with nothing else to do tonight, or indeed ever. 2. Arriving late will make me seem mysterious and sexy, and he’ll be panting at my arrival, staring eagerly at the door. He'll be so pleased I haven’t stood him up that he’ll be overjoyed to see me and we will fall immediately in love. 3. Oh well, it’s better than...

New Year, new you? Oh, come on, the only thing that’s changed is the calendar and the fact you’re one year closer to Botox. The least you can do for yourself in 2015 is make sure you don’t date the wrong man. The wrong man is waiting on every corner. He is tweeting at you. He is smiling at you on the bus. He is writing these words. You usually never know you’re with the wrong man until he starts doing something wrong, but if he meets one, or indeed...

Nature, nurture, lifestyle choice, whatever. The world seems obsessed with finding out what makes the gays gay. Every time it crops up, as it has today in the Guardian, I find myself puzzling over the fascination with unravelling this big secret. It's just something that happens; why can't we be satisfied with that? But, no, curious minds continue to peer through the dirty net curtains and into gay society for some kind of solution. And when the code is deciphered, then what? When all the research has been done, genes examined...

What is it about those magic bells as December turns into January that make us desperate to lock lips with someone? Despite having a perfectly acceptable time all night flying solo, the impending “clanging chimes of doom” (thanks Band Aid) of New Year suddenly make us feel more alone than ever. And most years, if your significant other isn’t already a) a thing that exists and b) somewhere nearby trying to pee into a beer can to save having to go to the loo, you end up reaching out to...