Stuart says he’s been on a few dates, but “nothing major has come out of them”, while Gosia says she always “hopes to find love”. I wonder how many times she’s heard the old adage that you only find love when you’re not looking for it. If she has annoying friends, fucking loads, I expect.
Gosia’s wants are someone who is well-spoken and well-dressed. ‘Well-spoken’ is such a weird thing to be into – it’s definitely a non-native thing. I remember one guy I used to date being totally obsessed by my accent. I’d much rather a man was nice to me and a great kisser than spoke like he was head boy at Harrow, but there’s no accounting for taste.
Stuart is looking for someone “lively, feisty, quite strong, independent”. In short, any one of Doctor Who’s female assistants from 2005 onward.
As Stuart arrives at the date – Gosia is already waiting – he says he is nervous and volunteers “you are too”, which Gosia soon dispatches with “I’m not”. I get the feeling Gosia does not like being told what to do by anyone.
The pair bond almost immediately over mutual distaste that their first date will be spent in a pizza restaurant. “I prefer grown-up food,” says Gosia, channeling her inner Hyacinth Bucket.
The duo then spend most of the video absolutely ripping into the restaurant, who I’m sure are thrilled at this PR opportunity. The thai vegetable pizza is “disgusting”, according to Gosia, who then continues: “I think they brought us house wine.” I have it on good authority that the daters don’t actually pay for their meal, so to spend most of the date bitching about how shit it was seems a little ungrateful.
“I feel like I booked a deal on Groupon,” zings Gosia.
“We’re going to come across really badly, you know that?” quips Stuart correctly, just after telling us that Gosia described herself as a food snob. Food snobs, the very best kind of people to be around – imagine actually identifying as one. Ugh, I can’t wait for this to be over.
Finally, talk moves on from how dreadful the restaurant is to how long they’ve been single and surprise surprise Gosia has been single “for ever”.
“It’s a feeling you can’t help – when you’re desperate, you’re desperate,” says Gosia, before hurriedly clarifying “I’m not desperate, obviously”. I’m sorry, Gosia, but I’m going to have to take you first answer.
“She didn’t really say why she’s been single for four years,” mused Stuart. “I think she’s choosy.” Brilliantly, this then cuts to Gosia claiming she’s very selective, but how Stuart is the one she has been looking for all these years. What are the chances?
Gosia claims Stuart says all the things that would show a man was interested in a woman, but with plaudits like “You look great in glasses” and “You look ten years younger” he sounds more like a sassy gay best friend than a potential lover. And then he says “Can I peel you a prawn?” and I half expect to hear canned laughter and see Mollie Sugden appear beside them talking about her pussy.
Anyway, whatever it is they’re doing, it works. The pair of them are attracted to each other. “I liked that she was straight-talking,” says Stuart, just before Gosia is shown trying to break it to the waiting staff that her meal was awful. She starts off well with “It was all right” before quickly deciding she hasn’t been clear. “It wasn’t that lovely,” she says with a glare to Stuart’s milquetoast “lovely”. She continues to berate the pizza, which Stuart explains away with “She’s Polish; that’s how she rolls”. What. Ever.
I kind of feel a bit sorry for Stuart, who sounds like a desperate hostage when he claims he loves that she’s “demanding” and “straight-talking”, and then I hear the way he pronounces “appreciate” and my sympathy evaporates.
The pair give each other ten out of ten – PRE-AGREED SCORING KLAXON – and confess they have seen each other regularly since.
Why isn’t my heart warmed? Maybe it’s something about their impression they give that if they were chocolate, they’d eat themselves. The main thing I take from it is that as long as they’re together, at least they’re not making two other people miserable. I’m off to have a pizza to celebrate the video being over.
Hope it’s not Rome.
Next week: Someone I actually follow on Twitter. Spoiler: I don’t play favourites.