Tag Archives: online dating

Why you should never date the Christmas Refusenik

“I don’t do Christmas,” he will say, his face pinched with misery. Quite a statement, and one loaded with meaning.

To him, Santa is just an anagram of Satan and nothing more. You can deal with this, though, you tell yourself. You can make him adore the festive period – everybody says they hate it, but love it really. You can play him Winter Wonderland over and over. Maybe hang some jingling bells off your privates. And so your denial continues.

But as the nights draw in and the Christmas lights start twinkling, you’ll realise when someone says they don’t “do Christmas”, sometimes they mean it. He’ll tell you he’s not “doing presents or Christmas parties” – Christmas Refuseniks spend a lot of time telling you what they’re NOT doing.

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He’ll wince at tuneless Christmas carolling and hiss and tut when he receives a Christmas card from another poor soul who thinks they can rehabilitate Santa’s Little Detractor. He’ll use your Phil Spector Christmas album as a coaster and – horror upon horror – delete all your copies of Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You from your iTunes.

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Continue reading Why you should never date the Christmas Refusenik

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The Director’s Cut

There are difficult conversations you must have with yourself. There are thoughts you have that rage and burn until you address them. I’ve blogged pretty openly for the last five years about my romantic life, my dating disasters, but I only ever tell you as much as I want you to know. I often wonder where to draw that line. This is not a confessional, but I realise I’ve never before talked explicitly about the time a date made me do something I really didn’t want to do.

I find the past a strange animal. I look back on previous events in my life like they happened to someone else. Impassively. Only a few things truly feel like they still belong to me – the 7th July bombings being one, I still feel that, I know that was me – but others…

Well, if I didn’t have the pics or the texts or, of course the blog, to prove it a lot of the time, I’d wonder whether I was there at all.

I feel a little like this about my date with Joe. I know I was there, because I blogged about it (almost a year later) but even then I glossed over what happened in a race to get to the punchline.

In fact, it gets a throwaway paragraph:

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The night I went home with Joe, back in 2010, I had made him order shots to loosen him up. He was so earnest and clearly fancied me, but needed a bit of encouragement. Was I taking advantage of him? Maybe. I had dated regularly for quite a few months by that point. I wasn’t embittered but I knew how to play the long game. Joe wanted to take me home but wasn’t quite sure whether he should or would have the courage. I gave him that. I climbed into the lion’s mouth. Continue reading The Director’s Cut

What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him

There are lots of standard questions you should ask on a first date. “Where did you grow up?” “What do you do for a living?” “Do you mind if I just escape through the fire exit once I feel I’ve had enough?”

But the question few ever ask, but they really should, sounds the simplest question of all but is in fact a very complex psychological test that will tell you all you need to know about the hapless fool sitting opposite you. No, it’s not “lemon or lime in a gin and tonic?” – although that is a good one – it’s “Who’s your favourite Spice Girl?”

And with the fab five rumoured to be returning for a reunion tour for their 20th anniversary – actually, make that four; Posh has said no thanks – there’s never been a better time to wheel it out.

Posh – Victoria Beckham
VB is the go-to Spice for quite a few guys, I have noticed. Of all the quintet, she has the biggest contemporary profile. Married to chiselled, doodle-filled football hero David Beckham, mother to four children who will be cluttering up magazine covers way into our dotage and, bizarrely, supreme ruler of a fashion empire that anyone who remembers those cheap New Look black dresses she sported in the ‘90s can’t quite get their head around, Victoria is the full package.

“Oh I think she’s fabulous!” they cry. Yes they really are talking about the woman who has barely smiled for the best part of two decades and sat on a throne on her wedding day. “She has a great sense of humour,” they will trill, perhaps in reference to the Beckhams’ array of his and hers outfits the pair would wear before they had that serious rebranding and headed for Hollywood.

And here’s the problem with the date whose favourite Spice Girl is Posh: they think they are a brand. Victoria’s aspirational lifestyle and unashamed devotion to glam has influenced many a civilian in trying to “luxe” up their life, running up huge credit card bills just so they can have an A-lister experience.

VB fans don’t smile, don’t open car doors and roll their eyes whenever a camera comes out – unless it’s their own and they’re photographing their pornstar martinis for Instagram.

Victoria has it all, and they want a bit of it too. The nearest they may get to it is sporting a pair of knickers from David’s H&M pants range, but they don’t care – they know their moment will come.

Whether they’ll hang on to you while they wait for it is quite another matter.

tumblr_m3u1bnmEFo1r6qp2jo3_500 Continue reading What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him

25 terrible men you should never date

Dating blogs are full of advice and this one is no exception.

All the others talk nonsense though – about rules you should follow and how you have to do X so that you look more Y. Ignore them all. Disconnect the internet. You need only one piece of dating advice today. And it is this.

You should never date a man who…

1. Tells you that you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé.

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If he ever presents you with this mug, introduce it to his face.

2. Barely gives dead relatives a second thought but still mourns separate lemon & lime flavours in Opal Fruits.

3. Skips past Sugababes’ Stronger when it comes on the iPod.
Or iPhone or whatever. Maybe he still has a Zune. Actually, don’t date a guy who still has a Zune. Anyway, Stronger is unskippable.

4. Refuses to acknowledge his own coffee-breath.
And worst of all, offers you gum as if it’s you who’s dying of halitosis.

5. Describes himself as #teamtaken.
Unless…

1 Continue reading 25 terrible men you should never date

Never date the ageing teen rebel

You don’t get many men falling over themselves to tell you about their childhood when you first start dating. People who had idyllic ones don’t usually feel the need to wheel them out to make conversation.

Unless we had a very bad one, or grew up with celebrities or politicians for parents or something, there’s very little to say about one’s childhood beyond the usual bewilderment at how all the chocolate bars were bigger and everyone got smacked on the legs in the supermarket. The teenage rebel however, idolises his childhood self.

Whenever a date would say “I was such a little shit at school” or a “I was a real tearaway when I was younger”, I’d cringe, steeling myself for a good hour of exaggerations, tales of pathetic, totally invented rebellions and grim attention-seeking that only a child would think were in any way cool or interesting.

As a teen, of course, most of us wallflowers and squares wished we had the pluck – not to mention the attention – of the classroom troublemaker. The nearest I got to it was some unremarkable, try-hard backchat in French lessons. I look back and am mortified by it now. In no way would I ever have considered using this to impress a date 20 years and 11 average grades down the track.

Teenage rebellion always seemed a really soulless path to me. At my school most of the rebels were also colossal bullies – usually, of course, the result of genuine issues at home.

But while for some it was an angry cry for help, others played up safe in the knowledge that somebody would bail them out, that there would be enough money to propel them forward again. Continue reading Never date the ageing teen rebel

31 things you will see people do on dating apps

Dating apps, whether they’re for long-lasting love or a three-minute hook-up you can brag to your friends about, have revolutionised our love and sex lives.

But even with tec so new and exciting, we’re still a habit-forming animal – we can’t resist becoming a cliché.

So here are a few things you will almost certainly see on hook-up or dating apps. Swipe. Left.

1. A guy who does the same facial expression in every photo.
It’s usually a lop-sided grin or a grimace or that wide-open scream face that Caitlin Moran does a lot. Or a pout. They’ll find a preferred pose and stick to it. And it will never be just a smile.

2. Someone who has accidentally uploaded the same picture three times.

3. “Looking for a gym buddy.”
I have a boyfriend, but I would like to get unspeakable with you  in the changing rooms once a week.

4. A selfie taken in a dirty mirror.

5. A selfie with a pile of dirty laundry in the background.

6. An impossibly good-looking 19-year-old who would rather sleep with the Tollund Man than you.
But you try anyway. Continue reading 31 things you will see people do on dating apps

7 online dating liars we all meet eventually

According to the Mirror, a recent survey claims a staggering amount of people lie on first dates. 37% of women lie about their age and 29% of men lie about their wage, for starters.

And that’s even before you get to the 14% of women who give a totally false name – I guess they don’t want you @-ing them with your totally amazing bantz after all, boys. Sorry.

Maybe we’d all like to pretend to be someone else once in a while, but it seems dating is the perfect stage for wannabe thesps to try out their best fibs. Here are a few of the most obvious ones you’ll meet.

1. The six-footer
If your date claims to be six-feet tall, I have some bad news: he probably isn’t. For reasons best known only to them, to be 6′ tall is the dream, the ultimate goal. And if you’re not? Why, just say you are – everyone else will fall into line and believe you.

Thanks to everyone being super-weird about height and no doubt tying it into masculinity or strength or power or whatever, it’s common for the more diminutive of us to fudge the stats a little, to add on an inch or two to our online profiles.

Quite how anyone expects to explain this to your date when you arrive and come up to their elbows is another matter entirely, but people still give it a go.

And the best thing is, he’ll probably say to you: “Oh, you’re not as tall as I thought you’d be.”

Tall people themselves don’t really help, lording it over everyone with those magical, aspirational heights of between 6′ to 6’4. Once you get beyond that however, the height-shaming slips into reverse and our loftier friends start knocking an inch or two off to avoid being labelled as giants.

In short (pardon the pun), nobody is as tall or as short as they say. Nobody. Continue reading 7 online dating liars we all meet eventually