Tag Archives: men you should never date

Never date the ageing teen rebel

You don’t get many men falling over themselves to tell you about their childhood when you first start dating. People who had idyllic ones don’t usually feel the need to wheel them out to make conversation.

Unless we had a very bad one, or grew up with celebrities or politicians for parents or something, there’s very little to say about one’s childhood beyond the usual bewilderment at how all the chocolate bars were bigger and everyone got smacked on the legs in the supermarket. The teenage rebel however, idolises his childhood self.

Whenever a date would say “I was such a little shit at school” or a “I was a real tearaway when I was younger”, I’d cringe, steeling myself for a good hour of exaggerations, tales of pathetic, totally invented rebellions and grim attention-seeking that only a child would think were in any way cool or interesting.

As a teen, of course, most of us wallflowers and squares wished we had the pluck – not to mention the attention – of the classroom troublemaker. The nearest I got to it was some unremarkable, try-hard backchat in French lessons. I look back and am mortified by it now. In no way would I ever have considered using this to impress a date 20 years and 11 average grades down the track.

Teenage rebellion always seemed a really soulless path to me. At my school most of the rebels were also colossal bullies – usually, of course, the result of genuine issues at home.

But while for some it was an angry cry for help, others played up safe in the knowledge that somebody would bail them out, that there would be enough money to propel them forward again. Continue reading Never date the ageing teen rebel


33 lies you will tell yourself on a first date

1. If I arrive first it will make me look responsible and also like I care and that I’m… not flighty. It will not make me seem overly keen and boring, with nothing else to do tonight, or indeed ever.

2. Arriving late will make me seem mysterious and sexy, and he’ll be panting at my arrival, staring eagerly at the door. He’ll be so pleased I haven’t stood him up that he’ll be overjoyed to see me and we will fall immediately in love.

3. Oh well, it’s better than being stuck in the house.

4. This is not too soon after my breakup. I’m ready.

5. I’m glad I didn’t eat before I came out.

6. I hope he doesn’t stare at my arse when I go to the bar.

7. I’m not going to get drunk.

8. I’m not drunk.

9. He is so wrong if he thinks I am getting another drink.

10. It’s definitely his round. Continue reading 33 lies you will tell yourself on a first date

25 men you should never date in 2015

New Year, new you? Oh, come on, the only thing that’s changed is the calendar and the fact you’re one year closer to Botox.

The least you can do for yourself in 2015 is make sure you don’t date the wrong man. The wrong man is waiting on every corner. He is tweeting at you. He is smiling at you on the bus. He is writing these words.

You usually never know you’re with the wrong man until he starts doing something wrong, but if he meets one, or indeed all, of these criteria, it’s a pretty good sign.

You should never date a man who…

1. Has an ask.fm
“Ask me anything!” Why aren’t you more fascinating? Why are you obsessed with people asking you questions? Why am I even considering having sex with you?

2. Brags about not owning a TV.
It actually took God eight days to create the world. On day 8, he created people who go on and on and on and on about never watching TV – that’s how holy they are.

3. Thinks it’s “just desserts”.

4. Runs for trains.
It’s better to travel than to arrive, true. But it’s also better to miss a train than leap onto it, huffing and puffing with a face the colour of a Ferrari.

5. Says he doesn’t care what people think of him, because he’s either a liar or a cunt. Or both. Continue reading 25 men you should never date in 2015

10 terrible opening lines for a dating profile

As I always say, your dating profile is your storefront, your big shiny window display that you use to get the punters in. But in just a few short sentences, you can turn your gleaming emporium of you into a rundown old convenience store, with dirty canopies, smeared windows, and nothing of interest inside.

All of the following are based on actual openers from dating profiles I have perused over the years.

“I’m kind of like a Charlotte in the daytime and a bit of a Carrie on a night out. Maybe with a touch of Samantha too if you’re lucky LOL. Which Sex & The City character are you most like?”
Mmmm, don’t know. How about whichever one would be least likely to sleep with YOU? Comparing yourself to three of the most irritating TV characters of all time isn’t exactly endearing me to you.

You are not like Carrie. She lives in a shoebox in Manhattan and somehow gets no end of men to fall hopelessly in love with her despite having a brain made of butter and a really whiny voice, along with a self-centred streak wider than the Champs-Elysées. That isn’t going to be happening here.

Miranda is the only one who is in any way OK, but you are not her either. Nobody is.

“Looking for the missing half of a possible Kooples ad campaign.”
Kooples. The dullest shop ever with a smug marketing campaign to match. Notice how any of the so-called couples don’t seem to have been together that long? An irreversible wedge forever between them thanks to a passion for clothes that look like they were designed by committee. It can never last.

“Be prepared to lie if anyone asks where we met.”
Oh, I *will*! I’ll say it was at a sex dungeon. Run by your mother.

“If I can tell you’re gay when you first walk into the room, we probably won’t get on.”
Well, I guess I had better leave my feather boa, Judy Garland tapes and tight lurex vests at home on our first date, and sit tight and try to be all manly on my fun evening out with a massively insecure homophobe.

The thing with douchebags like this is that, more often than not, they’re as big a Kylie obsessive as the rest of us – they just think it makes them, and us, a bad person.

“I’ve got a lot of strong opinions, and I’m not afraid to share them.”
In other words, sign here right on the dotted line for a date filled with half-baked ideas gleaned from Sky News and over-confrontational attacks on the welfare system or Madonna.

“I love long walks on the beach/round the city/in the park/up hill and down dale/toward the guillotine in a big floaty dress.”
We get it. Most people love a long walk or two. This effort to sound earthy and romantic and outdoorsy fails and makes you sound boring, clichéd and desperate. Do people really choose potential partners based, above all else, on a fondness for walking farther than the end of the road and back?

Let the ‘long walk’ conversation come out on the first date, if it really must at all. NB: If you don’t like long walks, feel free to keep this to yourself too.

“FOR SALE: One happy-go-lucky runaround, 2 or 3 not so careful owners, not too many miles on the clock and in fairly good condition. PRICE: Drink in the pub, dinner ONO.”
Oh, I see! You’re a car. See also: mock eBay ads, pastiches of old-fashioned personal columns, parodies of movie posters etc.

On the surface of it, these always seem like a good idea because you think they make you seem quirky and funny.

The sad fact is that they are blisteringly unoriginal, usually misguided (You’re a clapped-out Ford Mondeo? Really?) and say very little about your personality except that you’d rather come across as some clever wit on your profile than reveal anything else about yourself. Besides, I can’t drive.

“Hello there! Thank you so much for clicking on my profile!”
As romantic, sexy and authentic as the announcements in train stations that tell you they are sorry for the delay to the 13:03 to Edinburgh that day, despite it being recorded in a studio in Battersea in the early ’90s.

“I’m creative, intelligent, masculine and fun. I DON’T like mind games and timewasters. I DO like honesty and fidelity.”
I’m not sure you’re being entirely honest about the “fun” part, are you?

I ran this through my dating profile translator machine (my head) and it came back with “I have been cheated on and messed about by all manner of blokes, probably because I’m not that much fun to be with and have lots of bizarre hang-ups.”

Telling people you don’t like timewasters is a bit like telling everyone you love breathing. We get it. Tell us about you, not who you’re trying to avoid.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here. Internet dating is a bit weird, isn’t it?”
If you have suddenly woken up from a century-long slumber, I guess it is, yeah.

If you were birthed in the modern world, however, get with the programme and quit this fake bemusement with the internet like you’re a maiden aunt seeing a pair of crotchless knickers for the first time.

More like this:
Decoding dumb clichés on dating bios
10 toxic things you shouldn’t say on your dating profile

A further 25 men you should never date

Before princes, come frogs, and it seems Mr Right stands at the end of a long line of Mr Wrongs.

You’ve done well in swerving the first 25 men you should never date, and deserve a gold star for saying a polite “no thank you” to another 25 I brought to your attention, but you’re not out of the woods yet. If you want to take a short cut to that idyllic relationship you truly deserve, here are 25 more suitors you should consider giving the slip.

You should never date a man who…

1. Talks about obscure music that “you wouldn’t have heard of”.
You know the type: his friend of a friend’s friend who plays in their nan’s garage.

2. Tells you that they didn’t like you when they first met you, but really like you now.
Why, be still my beating unlikeablility.

3. In a group photo, leans in to the person next to him as if he won’t get in shot otherwise.
The overcompensating lean has ruined wedding and birthday photos the world over. It’s almost as if the very sight of a camera lens causes an involuntary weakening of the knees and lolling of the head. You want a man who’s camera-confident, not leaning like a malformed sapling.

4. Has a ‘humorous’ out-of-office auto-reply email.
An email announcing the fact you’re unavailable when you’re needed isn’t the time to crack jokes or try out that sparkling wit you’ve been hiding – with great success – all these years.

5. Has done the same things as you…
…but bigger, better, pricier, wackier, more drunken and more extreme. Love is not a competition.

6. Wears a wedding ring but isn’t actually married.

7. Can speak a fake language.
Klingon, Elvish, and Dothraki do not look great on his CV, no matter what he says.

8. Wears bootcut jeans.
Why would you willingly shorten and widen the look of your legs unless you were a self-loathing psychopath?

9. Constantly asks you whether you remember specific jokes from Will & Grace despite you telling him over and over again you didn’t watch it.

10. Reads out tweets – either his own or ones in his timeline – at a party.

11. Tells you his dead dog is more important to him than you are.
You just don’t understand – Towser was his life.

12. Has a picture of himself as a baby/child as his profile picture on Facebook or Twitter.
Most people choose the best possible picture for their social media ‘storefront’ – if your guy thinks his hotness zenith was while he was still wearing school uniform, there may be deeper issues you won’t be able to help but excavate.

13. Describes you as “lame” but reports his hobbies as “sleeping all day”. 

14. Never phones his mother.
Unless she is dead. Or in prison.

15. Says ‘blowy’ when he means ‘windy’.
Talking like a toddler who’s just found themselves in their first gale is deeply unsexy.

16. Uses more than one hashtag in a tweet.
#annoying #idiot #just #use #sentences

17. Says the ‘www’ bit when reading out a website address.

18. Doesn’t have any friends his own age.
An entire generation has rejected him for a reason.

19. “Got it on Groupon”.

20. Doesn’t have a tool for flipping over bacon when it’s under the grill.
It’s inevitable that one of the first things you’re going to want to do as a couple is prepare bacon sandwiches for each other so you can tweet about it and Instagram the pictures. Social media networks are awash with needy whimperings begging for bacon sandwiches to be hand-delivered, so the first thing you’ll need to ensure once you’ve snared your starry-eyed suitor is that he’s got all the necessary equipment for that fabled swine-arse sarnie. But if he’s got no tongs with which to turn it over while it sizzles under the grill, beat a hasty retreat – you don’t want to burn your precious little fingers. I mean, how would you tweet?!

21. Complains about splitting a bill when dining out with a group.
However, point of order: Dicks who sit and have five courses and a bottle of Chablis while you poke at a salad and sip Diet Coke and then insist on splitting the bill equally should also be thrown in the dating dustbin.

22. Uses every item in the kitchen when throwing together the most basic of meals.

23. Insists on sitting in the quiet coach of a train.

24. Posts more than one selfie a month.
Even further points deducted for the following selfie subgenres:
– swigging from beer bottle
– duck face/gay pout
– gun flexing
– T-shirt lift to reveal abs
– “Does my hair look OK?”
– “Oh, I look so ugly!”
– hungover in white bed linen
– “I’m in a clothes store fitting room but think I’m on the red carpet” hip-tilt

25. Follows you on Twitter.
You should never walk into a dating situation with someone who knows what you had for breakfast or reads your public transport meltdowns. If you do, prepare yourself to be told that you’re “different” on Twitter. Never ask for further clarification; you won’t like the answer.

Numbers 1, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 21 and 22 were crowdsourced (how modern!) and came from @petecavanagh, @coxyinsw2, @spennyli, @paulbranners, @OxfordOnion, @shona_pw, @Cellism, @Jackg00de and @lukebbz respectively. Thanks all.

Reckon there are 25 more weirdos out there we could do with avoiding? Tweet me, baby.