Tag Archives: lists

55 reasons to ditch your boyfriend

1. Your boyfriend points to broccoli on a restaurant menu and tells you it’s “the colon’s broom”.

2. Your boyfriend waits until he gets to the front of the queue in McDonalds before looking at the menu and deciding what to have.

3. Your boyfriend while you’re out of town:

ITV/Celebrity Juice
ITV/Celebrity Juice

4. Your boyfriend has just wished a baby a happy birthday on Facebook.

5. Your boyfriend buys you panettone for Christmas.

6. Your boyfriend is planning to propose to you on Christmas Day.

7. Your boyfriend‘s made me a mixtape.

Keisha Stronger headphones

8. Your boyfriend took a picture of a milkshake and Instagrammed it with a “brings all the boys to the yard”-related caption.

9. Your boyfriend says he’s still on BT Cellnet.

10. Your boyfriend asks shops whether they “take Switch”.

11. Your boyfriend says “All the double-yous” when reading out a URL.

12. Your 34-year-old boyfriend gets upset if his parents haven’t bought him an advent calendar.

13. Your boyfriend was out in Soho on his own last night.

Alexis rented

14. Your boyfriend‘s just putting the finishing touches to his YouTube parody of Adele’s Hello video.

15. Your boyfriend‘s been telling me what he really wants to watch on Netflix.

16. Your boyfriend voted for himself on the Rainbow List.

17. Your boyfriend films the local firework display. In portrait.

18. Your boyfriend‘s legs are like his DMs – open to all so anyone can slide on in.

19. Your boyfriend bought this pan thinking it was a great idea.

Tom Daley/Instagram
Tom Daley/Instagram

20. Your boyfriend tells the driver his destination when he gets on the bus.

21. Your boyfriend says yes to a Paperchase loyalty card when there’s a queue of 17 people behind him.

22. Your boyfriend puts his Uber rating in his Twitter bio.

23. Your boyfriend writes open letters.

24. Your boyfriend tapped his Oyster card on the reader repeatedly even though it said “Seek assistance”

25. Your boyfriend put this pic on Facebook and captioned it “me and bae”

CegDSdZWwAADqLj.jpg-large

26. Your boyfriend calls you “Sir Tweet-a-lot.”

27. Your boyfriend can’t start his day without that “caffeine boost” from his favourite “cup of Joe”

28. Your boyfriend interjects when strangers mispronounce ‘espresso’.

29. Your boyfriend goes to cafes and says no when someone asks him to watch their laptop while they go to the loo. “What am I supposed to do if someone tries to take it? Ninja-chop them?” No.

30. Your boyfriend pins his own memes.

31. Your boyfriend just posted ten YouTube links each with the caption “TUNEAGE : MALLORCA MEMORIES 93”

32. Your boyfriend did this on his first day as a social media manager:

Twitter
Twitter

33. Your boyfriend is anxious to “get a good seat” at The Breakfast Club at the weekend.

34. Your boyfriend pronounces eggs Copenhagen the opposite way to the waiter on purpose.

35. Your boyfriend asks to switch eggs with you as soon as the plate arrives. His are “too runny”

36. Your boyfriend asks for baked beans in a bowl on the side so they don’t touch his bacon.

37. Your boyfriend thinks microwaving porridge is sacrilegious.

38. Your boyfriend is still secretly disappointed that Ready Brek doesn’t *actually* make you glow.

39. Your boyfriend asks for straightened croissants.

40. Your boyfriend buys Tuc crackers because Jessie J does.

Cbb4w-UWEAAqLz5.jpg-large
Tuc

41. Your boyfriend insists on sitting near the window in Nando’s because it’s the only place he can get phone signal.

42. Your boyfriend: “I’m just going to take a selfie of myself.”

43, Your boyfriend: “Ooh, I don’t half drink a lot of tea. And I really like it. I should mention this in my bio.”

44. “I like to watch them go in.” – Your boyfriend, talking about Celebrity Big Brother. Apparently.

45. Your boyfriend wears these sunglasses:

CXaR7qzWMAA0S2z.jpg-large

46. Your boyfriend hopes you like your Baylis & Harding gift set.

47. Your boyfriend wonders aloud why someone hasn’t “replied back”.

48. Your boyfriend‘s updated his LinkedIn because he’s moved desks.

49. Your boyfriend‘s Gmail password is the town and year of his birth and then an ‘x’

50. Your boyfriend tweeted this:

CcXUGo-W0AEZQHD.jpg-large

51.Your boyfriend goes to parties and, after introducing himself, the first thing he says is: “I’ve never seen Star Wars. Is that weird?”

52. Your boyfriend sent me a LinkedIn invitation before our meeting was over.

53. Your boyfriend thinks Boris Johnson is “bants”.

54. Your boyfriend says “Netflix and Chill” when he means he wants to watch a movie.

55. Your boyfriend sees himself as a “male Carrie Bradshaw”.

carrie_672
HBO

More like this:
25 men you should never date
11 guaranteed ways to destroy your relationship
15 men you should never take home to meet your mother
31 things you will see people do on dating apps

Image: Unsplash/Ian Schneider

21 people you should never kiss at festivals

1. Anyone whose granny interned at Vogue.
Or anyone who mocks someone whose granny interned at Vogue. Or anyone who berates people for mocking someone whose granny interned at Vogue.

2. The cultural appropriator.
He’s got a bindi, an American headdress, painted-on Maori tattoos and cowboy boots. This guy is a whirlwind worldwide tour through centuries of oppression, presented with the characteristic sensitivity of a fashion blogger begging for free moisturiser.

3. The guy who wants to tell you about his first Glastonbury.

4. “It’s my first festival.”
Festival virgins should be off having experiences and seeing bands, not wasting their time bagging off with you and probably falling madly in love because oh wow you are so beautiful and what is this little pill will I be OK are you sure because I feel a bit funny I miss my mum I think I have wet myself sorry oh why did I come I knew I shouldn’t have. Continue reading 21 people you should never kiss at festivals

30 things that always happen during Wimbledon

Wimbledon fortnight starts Monday, one of the Top 10 shrillest sporting events on the face of the Earth.

Despite the fact it is a magnet for braying upper middle-class Aga enthusiasts and certified poshoes who think even the Queen is too common for the Royal enclosure, I love Wimbledon. It’s really easy to watch – just the right ratio of dullness to nail biting tension. Plus tennis players are much more bangable than football players.

My ‘love affair’ with Wimbledon properly began as I waited to start my second year at university. Rather than pay summer rent and leave my student house empty, I lived in it. I couldn’t find a job, so I spent two blissful, scorching weeks lying on my belly, eating strawberries, chain-smoking Marlboro Lights and watching Wimbledon on the old black and white TV that had once sat in my grandma’s kitchen. It is about as hedonistic as I am ever likely to be.

So Wimbledon is great and harmless enough, especially now they have (begrudgingly) sorted out that equal pay row, but something happens to the UK in general while it’s on which makes living here kind of unbearable.

People do strange things. And here are 30, love.

1. Ridiculous claims about strawberries and champagne in the papers.
Without fail, on the first day of Wimbledon, at least one newspaper will feature some totally bullshit story about how much champagne and strawberries are consumed during the tournament. Perhaps, if you’re lucky, they’ll tell you how many times these strawberries could fill Centre Court or how many oceans the champagne quaffing could drain.

The figures are a) always bullshit and b) totally impossible to verify. I will give £5 to anyone who attempts to fill Centre Court with strawberries. Five. Pounds. Continue reading 30 things that always happen during Wimbledon

31 things you will see people do on dating apps

Dating apps, whether they’re for long-lasting love or a three-minute hook-up you can brag to your friends about, have revolutionised our love and sex lives.

But even with tec so new and exciting, we’re still a habit-forming animal – we can’t resist becoming a cliché.

So here are a few things you will almost certainly see on hook-up or dating apps. Swipe. Left.

1. A guy who does the same facial expression in every photo.
It’s usually a lop-sided grin or a grimace or that wide-open scream face that Caitlin Moran does a lot. Or a pout. They’ll find a preferred pose and stick to it. And it will never be just a smile.

2. Someone who has accidentally uploaded the same picture three times.

3. “Looking for a gym buddy.”
I have a boyfriend, but I would like to get unspeakable with you  in the changing rooms once a week.

4. A selfie taken in a dirty mirror.

5. A selfie with a pile of dirty laundry in the background.

6. An impossibly good-looking 19-year-old who would rather sleep with the Tollund Man than you.
But you try anyway. Continue reading 31 things you will see people do on dating apps