Bad dates

The Marrying Kind

Stats: 32, 5’ 10”, grey blue/auburn, London Where: South London Pre-date rating: 5.5/10 The old saying goes that the Devil finds work for idle hands, but he also seems to run an interesting sideline in spicing up long, boring afternoons. A day off with nothing to do can be a dangerous void stretching out in front of you, and sometimes the only way to plug that gap is to half-heartedly stumble around social media applications until something happens – a potential inferno in search of a spark. It is one...
Bad dates

The Latecomer

Stats: 5'9", 26, mousey/blue, London Where: Exmouth Market When: October 2010 Pre-date rating: 6/10 After a frantic August and a much quieter September, October comes into view at full throttle. I line up three dates in the space of a week and the third one, on the Friday, is This Guy. Our communication so far has been fairly one-sided; out of the 3 dates I've arranged, he's the one I'm less interested it. I'm also dreading the thought of polluting my liver once again so am not particularly keen to...
Bad dates

The Culture Vulture

Stats: 5'10", 27, brown/brown, Southwest England When: June 2011 Where: Shoreditch, London Pre-date rating: 7/10 What would the world be like if everything was as good in real life as it was 'on paper'? All those outrageous claims made by advertisers would be true: detergent really would blitz limescale from your shower in seconds; putting magical cream on your penis could make it gargantuan, and a closing down sale really would be just that. Going on a dating site is a bit like being an advertiser – you're flogging a...
Bad dates

The Wrong Peter

Stats:5'9", 34, brown/blue, Bristol When: May 2011 Where: East Dulwich, London Pre-date rating: 4/10 There are good days and there are bad days in the dating world. What constitutes a good day varies greatly. Sometimes it will be a day where you have myriad emails from suitors to reply to: all of them handsome and witty and wise, with porcelain teeth, bright eyes and shiny hair. Sometimes a good day is a day when you don't have anyone to respond to, as you have despatched your oh-so-clever, multi-layered communiqués with...
Bad dates

The Drunk Mexican

Stats: 5'10″, 32, black/brown, Mexico When: Saturday 31 July, 1pm and 10.30pm Where: South-east London Pre-date rating: 7/10 The dates are becoming more and more disillusioning as time goes on, to be honest. This one is a little different from the others, though. I meet him on a different site, one where you know less information about your potential date, but you talk through instant messenger, rather than emails. (Edit: Grindr – why am I so afraid to say Grindr?!) We seem to get on well, at first missing each other and...
Bad dates

The Show-off

Stats: 37, 6', brown/blue, Wales When: Tuesday 20 July 2010 Where: Shoreditch, E1 Pre-date rating: 9/10 I'm mixing things up a bit and logging the dates out of date order. This is because I might skip the boring ones and also, I wanted the horror of this one to be fresh in my mind. On paper, This Guy sounds great. He works in the City, so while he may not have the most interesting job in the world, at least he'll be solvent. Money's not important, but it's good to...
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