Tag Archives: all the men you should never date

Which Twitter A-levels pundit should you aspire to date?

It’s A-level results day on 18 August, which means a lot of people who maybe once years ago sat some exam have a great deal of opinions, bons mots and tales of struggle and survival to share with… well, each other. No teens are really watching are they? Who knows?

But which one of these educational experts or university of life graduates would make the best boyfriend? Let’s see!

“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t get any A-levels and look at me now!”
Look at him now! Jeremy Clarkson sipping champagne in St Tropez and trying not to assault anybody! Richard Branson, a zillionaire who still looks like Santa left under the grill too long! Simon Cowell, still has no idea about jeans. None of them got A-levels! Not a one!

What do they all have in common? They have lots of money and live a perfectly decent lifestyle. And yet.

Hand on heart could you ever truly say you wanted to be them? Or shag them? Ending up being sewn into your dad-jeans every day with a hairstyle that a magician couldn’t fix, let alone a barber, is the best advert I can think of for retaking those A-levels over and over again until you’re in your mid-fifties.

Date rating: 2/10. 4 if you really, really like Talksport, cava and collapsing into a heap of cholesterol on your 61st birthday.

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“Just follow your dreams!”
Following your dreams is actually harder than it looks, because some people dream about being an astronaut or being able to walk through walls. Following your dreams does take hard work, yes, and usually, I’m afraid, rather a lot of self-confidence and MONEY. Got none of that? Um, well, maybe see if there’s a Marilyn Monroe quote out there to help you along.

Men who tell you to follow your dreams have usually achieved theirs – which is great – but they’re only really happy for you to follow yours if a) it does not in some way interrupt the express ride to their own achievements and b) you are funding this yourself. Oh, and c) they don’t have to talk to you about them.

Date rating: 6/10. Think of all the fridge magnets he’ll buy you at Christmas.

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“Let me tell you about my victory over adversity.”
You think you’ve had it hard? He’s had it harder, you know. There may well be some Venn diagram overlap with the “Follow your dreams” guy, but this one will have tales of grit and hardship.

There are some odds to be overcome, a struggle to be had and – because every boring story told down the pub needs a hero – a huge, exaggerated victory.

Yet he makes it sound so easy! That’s because he has left out the four years he spent working at CarpetRight, crying in the stockroom.

Date rating: 5/10. Hours of fun to be had saying “Axminster” at random intervals.

“It’s not the end of the world.”
Says the media darling tweeting only to the clique he’s worked with, or met networking, or wants to meet, or might find useful, or screwed, or wants to screw, or wants to write for, or wants to write for him, or… you get the general idea.

Failing A-levels is not the end of the world to him because he is 34 and editing out double-spacing or hyphens that think they’re en-dashes in agency copy. Now that is the end of the world.

Date rating: 3/10. That should read a 4, but he hasn’t spotted the typo.

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“I just, you know, got my A-levels, went to uni, got on with it and that’s it, really.”
What? No humblebrag? No Hollywood ending? This can’t be happening.

People who ‘just get on with it’ are myths – the unicorns of social media. If you find one, hang on for dear life.

Date rating: 7/10. Perhaps you could ‘adapt’ their story into something more exciting when you’ve finished tweeting your own. It’s what your followers would have wanted.

 

“I can’t believe I got my A-level results 17 years ago.”
Should you maybe not be thinking about something else, then? Maybe time to let go. Men who are amazed at the concept and passage of time tend to be dull over-thinkers, endlessly pondering their own mortality and forgetting to take the rubbish out.

Date rating: 4/10. They tend to be poor sleepers, worrying for hours at a time about something they said in 1984.

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“Teenagers don’t care about your advice anyway; they are not reading your feed. You are 100.”
Every kingdom needs a ruler and when it comes to Twitter’s echelons of superiority, this arch commentator thinks he’s it.

He will compose his snide, wryly amusing tweets and press “Tweet” with a maniacal flourish, like Dorothy Parker ordering another round of absinthe for the Algonquin Round Table.

The trouble with kings is that they are never fully in control. And they never look up. But if they did, they would see that the sky is not the very top after all; there is… more!

Date rating: 7/10. At least in his own small bubble, he’s top of the heap. You might enjoy the odd bask in his glory when he passes 8 retweets and texts you excitedly about it.

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“Everyone moaning about people talking down to teenagers who don’t care about your advice anyway – you are the lamest of them all.”
Kings give way to emperors and here’s our Lord and Master, who has recently become the sole heir of Twitter in its entirety thanks to a few strategic deaths or social media hires. His plinth is the highest of them all (as far as he knows) and this meta-God can only shake his head in disappointment as we all fall into the same trap we do every year when A-level results come out.

“They just don’t get it,” he cries out into the wilderness, from the tallest window of the uppermost floor of his lonely palace. “They… they are just as bad. They’re worse. You’re all terrible.”

Date rating: 9/10. He’s the one. He knows it all. And if you’re lucky, his head might burst and then Twitter will all be yours.

“I am going to write a blog about things people say about A-levels on Twitter.”
No. I’m stopping now. Don’t fuck this guy.

More like this:
What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him
21 people you should never kiss at festivals
25 men you should never date this summer
33 things your date will worry about while waiting for you to turn up

Image: Flickr

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55 reasons to ditch your boyfriend

1. Your boyfriend points to broccoli on a restaurant menu and tells you it’s “the colon’s broom”.

2. Your boyfriend waits until he gets to the front of the queue in McDonalds before looking at the menu and deciding what to have.

3. Your boyfriend while you’re out of town:

ITV/Celebrity Juice
ITV/Celebrity Juice

4. Your boyfriend has just wished a baby a happy birthday on Facebook.

5. Your boyfriend buys you panettone for Christmas.

6. Your boyfriend is planning to propose to you on Christmas Day.

7. Your boyfriend‘s made me a mixtape.

Keisha Stronger headphones

8. Your boyfriend took a picture of a milkshake and Instagrammed it with a “brings all the boys to the yard”-related caption.

9. Your boyfriend says he’s still on BT Cellnet.

10. Your boyfriend asks shops whether they “take Switch”.

11. Your boyfriend says “All the double-yous” when reading out a URL.

12. Your 34-year-old boyfriend gets upset if his parents haven’t bought him an advent calendar.

13. Your boyfriend was out in Soho on his own last night.

Alexis rented

14. Your boyfriend‘s just putting the finishing touches to his YouTube parody of Adele’s Hello video.

15. Your boyfriend‘s been telling me what he really wants to watch on Netflix.

16. Your boyfriend voted for himself on the Rainbow List.

17. Your boyfriend films the local firework display. In portrait.

18. Your boyfriend‘s legs are like his DMs – open to all so anyone can slide on in.

19. Your boyfriend bought this pan thinking it was a great idea.

Tom Daley/Instagram
Tom Daley/Instagram

20. Your boyfriend tells the driver his destination when he gets on the bus.

21. Your boyfriend says yes to a Paperchase loyalty card when there’s a queue of 17 people behind him.

22. Your boyfriend puts his Uber rating in his Twitter bio.

23. Your boyfriend writes open letters.

24. Your boyfriend tapped his Oyster card on the reader repeatedly even though it said “Seek assistance”

25. Your boyfriend put this pic on Facebook and captioned it “me and bae”

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26. Your boyfriend calls you “Sir Tweet-a-lot.”

27. Your boyfriend can’t start his day without that “caffeine boost” from his favourite “cup of Joe”

28. Your boyfriend interjects when strangers mispronounce ‘espresso’.

29. Your boyfriend goes to cafes and says no when someone asks him to watch their laptop while they go to the loo. “What am I supposed to do if someone tries to take it? Ninja-chop them?” No.

30. Your boyfriend pins his own memes.

31. Your boyfriend just posted ten YouTube links each with the caption “TUNEAGE : MALLORCA MEMORIES 93”

32. Your boyfriend did this on his first day as a social media manager:

Twitter
Twitter

33. Your boyfriend is anxious to “get a good seat” at The Breakfast Club at the weekend.

34. Your boyfriend pronounces eggs Copenhagen the opposite way to the waiter on purpose.

35. Your boyfriend asks to switch eggs with you as soon as the plate arrives. His are “too runny”

36. Your boyfriend asks for baked beans in a bowl on the side so they don’t touch his bacon.

37. Your boyfriend thinks microwaving porridge is sacrilegious.

38. Your boyfriend is still secretly disappointed that Ready Brek doesn’t *actually* make you glow.

39. Your boyfriend asks for straightened croissants.

40. Your boyfriend buys Tuc crackers because Jessie J does.

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Tuc

41. Your boyfriend insists on sitting near the window in Nando’s because it’s the only place he can get phone signal.

42. Your boyfriend: “I’m just going to take a selfie of myself.”

43, Your boyfriend: “Ooh, I don’t half drink a lot of tea. And I really like it. I should mention this in my bio.”

44. “I like to watch them go in.” – Your boyfriend, talking about Celebrity Big Brother. Apparently.

45. Your boyfriend wears these sunglasses:

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46. Your boyfriend hopes you like your Baylis & Harding gift set.

47. Your boyfriend wonders aloud why someone hasn’t “replied back”.

48. Your boyfriend‘s updated his LinkedIn because he’s moved desks.

49. Your boyfriend‘s Gmail password is the town and year of his birth and then an ‘x’

50. Your boyfriend tweeted this:

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51.Your boyfriend goes to parties and, after introducing himself, the first thing he says is: “I’ve never seen Star Wars. Is that weird?”

52. Your boyfriend sent me a LinkedIn invitation before our meeting was over.

53. Your boyfriend thinks Boris Johnson is “bants”.

54. Your boyfriend says “Netflix and Chill” when he means he wants to watch a movie.

55. Your boyfriend sees himself as a “male Carrie Bradshaw”.

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HBO

More like this:
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Image: Unsplash/Ian Schneider

Why you should never date the Christmas Refusenik

“I don’t do Christmas,” he will say, his face pinched with misery. Quite a statement, and one loaded with meaning.

To him, Santa is just an anagram of Satan and nothing more. You can deal with this, though, you tell yourself. You can make him adore the festive period – everybody says they hate it, but love it really. You can play him Winter Wonderland over and over. Maybe hang some jingling bells off your privates. And so your denial continues.

But as the nights draw in and the Christmas lights start twinkling, you’ll realise when someone says they don’t “do Christmas”, sometimes they mean it. He’ll tell you he’s not “doing presents or Christmas parties” – Christmas Refuseniks spend a lot of time telling you what they’re NOT doing.

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He’ll wince at tuneless Christmas carolling and hiss and tut when he receives a Christmas card from another poor soul who thinks they can rehabilitate Santa’s Little Detractor. He’ll use your Phil Spector Christmas album as a coaster and – horror upon horror – delete all your copies of Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You from your iTunes.

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Continue reading Why you should never date the Christmas Refusenik

How to be “the boy”

You can’t move on social media or in an airport novel for mentions of “the boy”, that mythical perfect boyfriend who gets their partner’s eyes and tweets all a-flutter.

“Meeting the boy for drinks later,” they coo, as they skip down to whichever chichi future-dive their beau is sitting in, batting his sweet little eyes at the rest of the clientele.

But who is The Boy? How do you get to be one? What does he do? Much like the “Cool Girl”, “The Boy” is a fantasy of perfection.

In my head, The Boy is not the reality: an amiable, farting beard machine who clogs up the plughole, always makes you reach for the tissues and has never heard of a courtesy flush. The Boy for me is a handsome, slightly malevolent, and somewhat enthusiastically dull yet louche character like Dickie Greenleaf from The Talented Mr Ripley. Do you have one? Are you The Boy?

Behold The Boy checklist:

His nipples align perfectly. His skin is soft and shines only with youth and brilliance, not oil. There are one or two blemishes – perhaps a chicken pox scar or a dinky mole, but the faults are few and far between.

When he beckons, you come.

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Perpetually 27, his Sundays are Instagram-ready hours of lazy brunches, huge roasts served on slabs of slate in that pub in East London – the one from Time Out 7 months ago. Mocktails!

Nobody is every quite sure what he does, but his job at least sounds good on LinkedIn. It involves vague transatlantic travelling, using the word “synergy” in meetings,  and lots of Uber rides. The Boy has a perfectly curated playlist just waiting to go as soon as he bounds into the car and, needless to say, he has a 4.9 star rating. Continue reading How to be “the boy”

25 terrible men you should never date

Dating blogs are full of advice and this one is no exception.

All the others talk nonsense though – about rules you should follow and how you have to do X so that you look more Y. Ignore them all. Disconnect the internet. You need only one piece of dating advice today. And it is this.

You should never date a man who…

1. Tells you that you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé.

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If he ever presents you with this mug, introduce it to his face.

2. Barely gives dead relatives a second thought but still mourns separate lemon & lime flavours in Opal Fruits.

3. Skips past Sugababes’ Stronger when it comes on the iPod.
Or iPhone or whatever. Maybe he still has a Zune. Actually, don’t date a guy who still has a Zune. Anyway, Stronger is unskippable.

4. Refuses to acknowledge his own coffee-breath.
And worst of all, offers you gum as if it’s you who’s dying of halitosis.

5. Describes himself as #teamtaken.
Unless…

1 Continue reading 25 terrible men you should never date

21 people you should never kiss at festivals

1. Anyone whose granny interned at Vogue.
Or anyone who mocks someone whose granny interned at Vogue. Or anyone who berates people for mocking someone whose granny interned at Vogue.

2. The cultural appropriator.
He’s got a bindi, an American headdress, painted-on Maori tattoos and cowboy boots. This guy is a whirlwind worldwide tour through centuries of oppression, presented with the characteristic sensitivity of a fashion blogger begging for free moisturiser.

3. The guy who wants to tell you about his first Glastonbury.

4. “It’s my first festival.”
Festival virgins should be off having experiences and seeing bands, not wasting their time bagging off with you and probably falling madly in love because oh wow you are so beautiful and what is this little pill will I be OK are you sure because I feel a bit funny I miss my mum I think I have wet myself sorry oh why did I come I knew I shouldn’t have. Continue reading 21 people you should never kiss at festivals

Never date the ageing teen rebel

You don’t get many men falling over themselves to tell you about their childhood when you first start dating. People who had idyllic ones don’t usually feel the need to wheel them out to make conversation.

Unless we had a very bad one, or grew up with celebrities or politicians for parents or something, there’s very little to say about one’s childhood beyond the usual bewilderment at how all the chocolate bars were bigger and everyone got smacked on the legs in the supermarket. The teenage rebel however, idolises his childhood self.

Whenever a date would say “I was such a little shit at school” or a “I was a real tearaway when I was younger”, I’d cringe, steeling myself for a good hour of exaggerations, tales of pathetic, totally invented rebellions and grim attention-seeking that only a child would think were in any way cool or interesting.

As a teen, of course, most of us wallflowers and squares wished we had the pluck – not to mention the attention – of the classroom troublemaker. The nearest I got to it was some unremarkable, try-hard backchat in French lessons. I look back and am mortified by it now. In no way would I ever have considered using this to impress a date 20 years and 11 average grades down the track.

Teenage rebellion always seemed a really soulless path to me. At my school most of the rebels were also colossal bullies – usually, of course, the result of genuine issues at home.

But while for some it was an angry cry for help, others played up safe in the knowledge that somebody would bail them out, that there would be enough money to propel them forward again. Continue reading Never date the ageing teen rebel