Aside from the mindless shagging, off-the-peg hedonism and thrilling Uber rides to the clap clinic, being single can be something of a trial. Sure, you can do what the hell you like, when you like, but sometimes you long for the touch of another, for someone to care that you’ve left the fridge open, the thrill of orgasming with someone else in the room.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, you’ve got dickhead couples pulling this kind of crap all around you, reminding you how unloved, lonely and insignificant you are:
1. Share puddings.
“Two spoons, please” is a knife in the throat of any self-respecting singleton. And food-sharing is really unsexy. Especially if it’s a recently defrosted cheesecake in a Harvester.
2. Hold hands everywhere.
No, seriously, you’re in my way. I have to be somewhere. You may want to spend your days ambling dreamily hand-in-hand, but, guys, you’re in the middle of a really busy Tesco Express and I’m trying to reach the tenderstem.
3. Argue in Ikea.
The most boring, cliché, coupletastic thing any gruesome twosome can do. Even worse is boasting about getting round the entire store without arguing. Well done you. It’s a shop, not the north face of the Eiger.
4. Flirt with single people in supermarkets.
You know you do it. Don’t blame the innocent singletons drifting by with their trolley. We didn’t make you look. And now you’re arguing. Great.
5. Tweet at each other things they could’ve said in a text, or at home, or just absolutely anywhere other than in public.
6. Use pet names for each other outside of their own house.
Or going on about it all the time. Spooning, for the uninitiated, is a cutesy name for lying next to each other on your side, bodies packed in tight. It’s actually only remotely pleasant for the person in front – the little spoon – as they get to a) breathe and b) feel the ‘junk’ of the other person pressing into their back. The poor hapless soul behind gets a mouthful of hair, restricted breathing and a catatonic romantic crushing their genitals.
8. Ruin social occasions by having a huge row.
Even worse is when they spit their pet names at each other at dinner parties, or maybe in supermarkets (see above) during a row. “Oh and now everybody is staring – you have embarrassed me in front of all our friends,” one of them will say as you pray to any deity going that a hellmouth swallows you up before they go in for round 2.
9. Refuse to socialise separately.
10. When you do get them on their own, talk about nothing but their relationship.
11. Slag off dating apps as “shallow and soulless”.
It’s like suddenly turning against single beds or ready meals for one just because you don’t need them any more.
12. Say things like “One day you’ll find someone, don’t worry”.
13. Set you up with their other friendless, socially awkward pals.
14. Take ‘couple selfies’.
15. Arriving late to cinemas/planes etc and expecting everyone to shift around so they can sit together.
16. Make cow eyes at each other if they don’t get to sit together on public transport.
17. Split up and get back together every two minutes.
This is especially testing if you are a particularly frank friend – or maybe just a massive bitch. You will inevitably lay down some real talk about why the breakup happened and how one of the pair was really bad for the other. Then, after your friend has eagerly listened to all this wisdom – and not even asked you about your day – and tearfully agreed they are better off without this rotten apple, they’ll get a text and will zoom off, back to his arms, making you look like an acidic old gossip.
Got any more annoying things couples do? Tweet me, baby.