We say so much on social media – over 500 million tweets are sent in one day alone – but what’s more interesting is what we don’t say.
There are some things we’d probably love to post on social media but, unless we’re feeling extra bitchy, never would. Nor would we admit we’d even think of such a thing.
But I’m on to you. And if you can’t recognise that at least 5 of these cross your mind as you scan your social media faves, you’re in denial. Aren’t we all?
1. “We’ve never met but we have a mutual friend on Facebook so I have been through all your profile pictures and dreamt of you kissing me.”
2. “I only like your drab status updates because I’d quite like to bone you.”
3. “I’m friends with you on Facebook to get to your boyfriend.”
4. “I follow you in case you post pictures of this better-looking boyfriend.”
5. “I post screenshots of the ridiculous things you say in a private group on Facebook and my friends and I laugh ourselves raw at how witless you are.”
6. “You don’t reply to me because you think you’re a rockstar. Newsflash: you tweet for a biscuit brand for a living; I’m only following you because you tweet shirtless selfies on a Saturday morning.”
7. “I like every picture you Instagram of your dinner so that I don’t look like a weirdo who only likes your topless pictures. Although I am that person.”
8. “We all know you sit on Reddit all day, thirsty for memes.”
9. “I follow you so I can nick these memes and pass them off as my own.”
10. “I retweet you to get you to notice me.”
11. “Your favouriting is desperate.”
12. “I dream of the day you ‘take it to DM’.”
13. “All my subtweets are about you.”
14. “Your subtweeting isn’t really sub enough”
15. “I keep hoping that if I follow and unfollow you enough times, you’ll notice me/follow me back/fall in love with me/send me a picture of your genitals.”
16. “I follow you because I think you might one day introduce me to Caitlin Moran/Marina Hyde/Owen Jones.”
17. “You annoy the hell out of me, but we’ve been following each other so long, it seems wrong to unfollow you now.”
18. “I’d unfollow you but I might need you some day.”
19. “I know you’ve muted me.”
20. “I’d block you but sometimes you retweet me and you have loads of followers.”
21. “When you reply to something I’ve tweeted, I’ll only answer you if you’re hot/popular/Madonna.”
22. “You probably think I haven’t noticed you chatting up my boyfriend online, but I have and I can definitely take you.”
23. “I can’t retweet you because you don’t know the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’.”
24. “When you tell me I’ve made a grammatical error in my tweet, I fantasise about throwing you into a canal.”
25. “Take it to text. FFS.”
26. “Every time you reply to one of my updates, I die a little because it means I have to talk to you.”
27. “Your ‘All views my own’ disclaimer in your Twitter bio is catastrophically lame.”
28. “I never click on the links you post – they are basic.”
29. “I definitely don’t live for your political opinions.”
None of these are about you, of course, babes. You’re my favourite.
Now let’s never speak of this again.
More like this:
The 25 stages of Twitter courtship
Naked Sunday – where the sleazy selfie is king
12 things you do that scream “thirsty”
Say no to the evils of Twitter flirting
Why I believe in internet anonymity – even when you’re calling me a ****
Beware the flirtatious straight man – six types to look out for