There were actually quite a lot of nice things to do on there, but what struck me is that, at 40, I’ve done pretty much NONE of them. Some of them I’ll very likely never do either. I mean, run into the sea fully clothed? That wouldn’t do my osteoarthritis any favours and I have to confess: I can’t swim.
While these resolutions were all well and good, they were pretty aspirational, and I’m all out of hope. I don’t really make resolutions – failure terrifies me so I try to avoid setting myself up for it – so I prefer to keep any I do make on the attainable side.
If you fancy getting to end of your twenties, or thirties, or forties – or even the end of 2016, whichever comes sooner – and having a 50% hit rate, maybe some of these suggestions could go on your list…
1. If someone asks you whether you plan on buying a flat, get up and walk out of the room. Believe me, you don’t want to hear their chat about how your deposit isn’t big enough and that your budget means you’ll have to live at the wrong end of a three-hour commute.
2. Carry a blister pack of Lemsip Cold and Flu with you at all times. You may not need it yourself but hungover colleagues will worship you like a god when you whip them out of your bag.
3. Stop saying yes to those dates you really need to say no to.
4. Remember that artisan bread, or organic bread, or £35 bread from Borough Market, is still BREAD.
And it’s not calorie neutral. *Looks down at own waistline*
5. Do this more:
Seriously, don’t be afraid to tell people to go fuck themselves a bit more. They need to hear it.
6. Healthy is as healthy does, so always be seen to carry a banana with you as you walk into the office . You don’t have to eat it.
7. When your 23-year-old friend or relative tells you they’re having a baby, don’t gasp. Tell them it’s great. Apparently, YEARS later, they may remind the child how horrified you were and all of a sudden it doesn’t want to sit on your knee or be nice to you anymore. Weird.
8. Pick one hobby that you’re definitely going to take up in 2017 and spend all 2016 notifying everyone of this intention.
Repeat in 2017 for 2018.
Alternatively, take up a hobby or pastime you definitely don’t mind admitting you’ve quit by February 18th.
9. Only do Dry January at big social events where you will be congratulated on not drinking.
Hit the gin as soon as your mortice lock clicks shut.
10. Buy yourself a present every day.
A coffee from a burger van and 10 Marlboro Lights don’t really count, no.
11. Resolve to cut down to three ironic dirty burgers a week.
12. And pledge to photograph them only twice a week.
13. Get as much of this as you can in 2016:
14. Have one day a month where you go offline and don’t do Twitter, Facebook etc.
When I say “day”, it’s okay to totally abandon this idea by about 10:30am.
It’s 2016 for fuck’s sake. Stuff’s happening.
15. Give up smoking.
If you must continue, smoke other people’s cigarettes. At lovely parties. Queueing up in a Costcutter and leaving the place a tenner, and a lung, lighter – it’s not very Joan Collins, is it?
16. Stop writing pithy messages in leaving cards of people you don’t actually know.
17. Adopt the life of a newspaper columnist one day a month.
Start with Liz Jones, by alienating everyone who ever loved you, believing aspirational pizza is ‘a thing’, and blaming Kirstie Allsopp for everything you hate about the world. Very achievable.
18. Cut down your meme theft to three a day.
No, seriously, we know you nicked it.
19. Stop answering texts from that ex or hookup. Ghosting is real and it can help you. Get into it.
20. Stop screenshotting idiots on Tinder.
It doesn’t make you look that cool and, crucially, if you really think about it, there’s a high chance you’ll end up marrying someone else’s screenshotted douchebag one day.
21. Forget “New Year, New Me”.
You’re still you.
22. Make your friends fear you’re drinking custard.
A much easier body goal. And who wouldn’t want to drink custard? It sounds amazing.
23. Avoid ukuleles at all costs.
24. Stop being a grammar nazi. And if you are one, stop calling yourself one. A ‘nazi’? Really?
Don’t correct people’s spelling online. If you want to teach, go do a PGCE, but get the hell out of everybody’s mentions.
25. Learn how to make GIFs.
GIFs say everything you were longing to say or write but don’t in case you get sued. We each have our favourite five or six that we totally rinse, don’t we? But introduce your followers to some new ones by learning how to do it yourself from videos of your faves on YouTube.
Sure, you’ll never beat this GIF of Alexis reading a printout of your DMs, but you can at least try.
26. Give up drinking Angostura Bitters neat.
See! You’ve achieved one already!
27. Remember you will look like this one day:
So live it up.