Dating can be a drag. You never quite know what you’re going to get next. Back off with your “life is like a box of chocolates” shtick, Forrest Gump – we’ve never had a box of Milk Tray with this many nasty surprises.
Well, we know you’re the perfect date, don’t we, and we know to give a wide berth to the first 25 men I very kindly alerted you to, but there are still some romantic buzzkills out there just waiting to spoil your fun, break your heart and drink all the milk in your fridge.
You should never date a man who…
1. Obsessively counts calories.
“You’re on a diet? Sounds really interesting; tell me more!” – Nobody, ever.
2. Wears Toms with no socks in winter.
Yes, he looks beautiful and carefree, as I’m sure he will when he’s clutching your hand while he dies of pneumonia because he was too darn cool to slip on a sock.
3. Doesn’t put lid back on toothpaste.
4. Demands the cancellation of any TV show that he used to enjoy, but has stopped watching, or still watches, complaining all the way through.
5. Eats hot food on trains.
Pasties, McDonald’s, noodles, whatever. It smells. It smells bad. And he’s with you. So you, by default, smell like that.
6. Wears a suit every day, but has never had it dry-cleaned.
Good luck nuzzling up to this sour-lapelled hobo.
7. Expects you to have instant recall of every piffling conversation you’ve ever had.
Unless they do it in that hideously sexy French way that makes you wonder what else they can do with those fingers.
9. Orders nachos, to share, at a pub.
You are essentially sitting around a table eating a bag of crisps that someone has slung on a plate and poured a load of tomatoey crap all over the top. With your fingers. Are his nails clean?
10. On a first date, reads the set menu aloud, then tells you you can have whatever you like.
11. Always tells you how busy/tired/overworked/partied out/popular they are.
12. Doesn’t refold the newspaper after he’s finished reading it.
13. Is desperate to break bad news on Twitter.
Or indeed be the first to tell you anything, publicise a new Tumblr he’s found (that you saw months ago) or just be a one-man version of the news ticker on the CNN website.
14. Tells you their body is temple – as they chow down on a KFC while queuing at the shop for cigarettes.
Faux health nuts are almost as boring as obsessive fitness freaks.
15. Insists on telling you how much everything costs.
16. Or, worse, asks you how much everything costs.
17. Sings along really loudly at pop concerts, while filming it on their phone.
Problem 1: You can’t hear the performer sing over the top of your beau’s tuneless rasp. Problem 2: You can’t see properly because the wannabe Tarantino is distractedly waggling his iPhone in the air.
18. Takes out a full-page ad to announce a forthcoming Twitter break.
19. Leaves toast crumbs in the butter.
This carries the death penalty in more progressive civilisations (the first of which I am yet to found, but will).
20. Tells you to “take it easy” when he means “goodbye”, or says “it’s not rocket science, is it?” when talking about something they think is easy.
21. Carries around huge bags of stuff they say they “couldn’t be without”, like straighteners, boot polish, or sachets of sugar.
22. Still revels in what a ‘rebel’ he was at school – when he actually means he was an insufferable wanker.
23. Is friends with Harry Styles.
24. Reads an article online and logs in/creates an account to comment “WHO CARES?” OR “IS THIS NEWS?!”
He should save his super-valuable, important opinions for his blog. Oh, no, hang on…
Blogs used to be quaint diaries, “what I did on my holidays” and family pictures. Now the whole world is a grandstanding columnist with an axe to grind, each one more incendiary than the last. Date a blogger – especially a reactionary one who specialises in comma-strewn outrage and misguided fury – and your boyfriend’s self-important bleatings about what he saw on the news today will be available for the whole world to see. He’ll become addicted to this attention from strangers, you mark my words, and before long you’ll be going out with a dim-witted digest of current moral indignation, who exists only to “jot down a few musings” on whatever a controversial columnist has said that day. Just have ‘Nobody cares’ tattooed on your middle finger to save time.
(I am nothing if not self-aware.)
Image: Smile Warehouse on Flickr