33 lies you will tell yourself on a first date
1. If I arrive first it will make me look responsible and also like I care and that I’m… not flighty. It will not make me seem overly keen and boring, with nothing else to do tonight, or indeed ever.
2. Arriving late will make me seem mysterious and sexy, and he’ll be panting at my arrival, staring eagerly at the door. He’ll be so pleased I haven’t stood him up that he’ll be overjoyed to see me and we will fall immediately in love.
3. Oh well, it’s better than being stuck in the house.
4. This is not too soon after my breakup. I’m ready.
5. I’m glad I didn’t eat before I came out.
6. I hope he doesn’t stare at my arse when I go to the bar.
7. I’m not going to get drunk.
8. I’m not drunk.
9. He is so wrong if he thinks I am getting another drink.
10. It’s definitely his round.
11. He’s right – why shouldn’t you update Facebook while you’re on a date?
12. I’m glad he asked me about my politics – this should be fun.
13. He might actually think more of me if I say I don’t want to kiss him on the first date.
14. One kiss doesn’t mean anything. I might as well. Where’s the harm?
15. His twitching eye – which probably means he’s nervous, and not dreaming of how he’ll murder me later – is quite endearing.
16. It doesn’t matter that he has checked out three other guys since I arrived.
17. I actually find the way he leers at me quite charming. The dribbling is especially sexy.
18. He’s right – I would have been better off doing it on Groupon.
19. It’s totally OK that he has asked to see my iPod and is critiquing my music taste.
20. He’s obviously over his ex. That’s why he can talk about him so easily. And so often.
21. My parents might like him.
22. I’m sure he’ll ask me another question in a minute.
23. His style is… individual.
24. Letting him talk me through his CV and numerous university interviews – all of which happened over 10 years ago – makes me look like a good listener, and kind.
25. He doesn’t fancy me.
26. Ugh, how dare he fancy me when I am not even interested?
27. That thing that he does that he thinks is oh so sexy is oh so not sexy and is not working on me at all, no no not at all. Immune. Heart of ice. No.
28. No way am I going to sleep with this person.
29. Well, OK, I will do it, but only to be polite. It’s an act of charity, really.
30. I remember everything about last night and how I got into this bed with… whoever that is.
31. Can’t wait for the walk home.
32. That’s it. A one-off. I’m deleting his number right this second.
33. Yes, let’s do this again sometime. Definitely.