New Year, new you? Oh, come on, the only thing that’s changed is the calendar and the fact you’re one year closer to Botox.
The least you can do for yourself in 2015 is make sure you don’t date the wrong man. The wrong man is waiting on every corner. He is tweeting at you. He is smiling at you on the bus. He is writing these words.
You usually never know you’re with the wrong man until he starts doing something wrong, but if he meets one, or indeed all, of these criteria, it’s a pretty good sign.
You should never date a man who…
1. Has an ask.fm
“Ask me anything!” Why aren’t you more fascinating? Why are you obsessed with people asking you questions? Why am I even considering having sex with you?
2. Brags about not owning a TV.
It actually took God eight days to create the world. On day 8, he created people who go on and on and on and on about never watching TV – that’s how holy they are.
3. Thinks it’s “just desserts”.
4. Runs for trains.
It’s better to travel than to arrive, true. But it’s also better to miss a train than leap onto it, huffing and puffing with a face the colour of a Ferrari.
5. Says he doesn’t care what people think of him, because he’s either a liar or a cunt. Or both.
6. Only retweets you so he can get in your knickers.
7. Doesn’t like at least THREE Sugababes songs.
And one of those must be Push The Button.
8. Says things like “It’s political correctness gone mad!”
9. Mentions the word ‘boxset’ within a month of your first meeting.
“Hey what have you been watching on Netflix?” is the instant anti-boner.
10. Mentions he’s “proficient in Microsoft Word” on his CV.
It’s like being really good at putting the kettle on.
11. Doesn’t poofread his tweets.
12. Puts a . in front of an @ reply.
Ooh you’re right – that smackdown tweet was far too good for just one person to see it!
13. Wears black trousers for anything other than a funeral or the Oil Barons’ Ball.
14. Can identify what his hobbies actually are.
“I like staying in and going out.”
15. Likes Facebook’s page on Facebook.
Over 168 million people have done this. Fuck zero of them.
16. Doesn’t sniff the milk first.
17. Says: “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt”.
It’s a horrible T-shirt. You look fat in it.
18. Tags Instagram photos with #badhair #hangover when he looks absolutely perfect.
Or indeed ever.
19. Says “I, for one…”
He is destined to remain forever as one.
20. Doesn’t like Celine Dion’s Think Twice.
NO NO NO NO!
21. Spends all his time talking about great nights out he’s had – especially if you weren’t there.
22. Only checks in on Facebook when he’s at an airport or Shoreditch House.
23. Moans about manual retweeting.
Because, Christ, imagine the sex.
24. Spits his chewing gum into the urinal.
25. Says ‘sat’ when he means ‘sitting’.
If you’ve anything about you, you’ll do time for him eventually.
Have I missed any? Let me know any other men you think we should never date. Any answers like “You” or “Anonymous dating bloggers” etc have been done to death and I am nothing if not self-aware, so I wouldn’t bother.