New Year, new you, new MEN. 2017 was an absolute flaming skip of a year for many reasons, but you deserve better in 2018. You’ve earned this. To ensure your ’18 is A1, why not make a vow to avoid any or all of these hapless bros?
You should never date a man who…
1. Posts “didn’t happen” under something on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/a newspaper story/toilet wall graffiti.
2. Really wants you to just “listen for a minute” and understand why Android phones are better.
3. Cuts you out of a photo so he can post it as his profile pic.
4. Has ever blamed a millennial for anything ridiculous like making avocados extinct, house prices, lack of innovation in space travel, James Corden, or snow.
5. Says things like “men actually prefer it when you don’t wear makeup”.
6. Describes themselves as “bougie”.
7. Would be a contestant on Naked Attraction.
8. “Can’t warm” to a celebrity who isn’t white.
9. Asks you how much a gift was as soon as you hand it over.
10. Doesn’t free-pour spirits at Christmas.
11. Asks you questions about yourself that are phrased like they’re a diss or to suggest what you’ve done is somehow inferior to something they like, or what society has told them is “cool”..
“So are you publishing the book yourself?”
“Is it chick-lit?”
“Can anybody read it or is just for gay people?”*
12. Comes up to you at an award ceremony and says, “You’ve no chance of winning but it’s so lovely that you came”.*
13. Is inconsistent with his usage of “Yaaaaaaas” or “Yasssssss”. I think it’s important to pick one and stick to it.
14. Talks about “Africa” like it’s just one country and not, like, a huge continent with wildly different cultures.
15. Brushes their fringe out of his eyes every time he says the phrase “gap year”.
16. Says, “Are we doing presents this year?”, persuades you not to buy him a present, and then BUYS YOU a present anyway, becoming miffed that you have also ignored this “rule” and done the same.
17. Lives in a block of apartments that has a different entrance for social housing tenants, which he never uses.
18. Says “WHO?!?!?!?!?!” under an article about a famous person. Usually Beyoncé.
19. Looks down on print magazines. Or, by the same token, on digital journalism.
20. Shares screenshots of men chatting them up on Grindr who aren’t offensive, or cruel, but merely perhaps not that great at communicating – or haven’t been able to work out from his photo that he’s a poisonous, odious, vomit-gargling toad who thinks he’s much hotter than he actually is. As Aisleyne from Big Brother said, “Know yourself, little girl”.
21. Thinks something is “everything that’s wrong with the world”, because the chances are he himself is probably quite a significant amount of what is wrong with somebody’s world.
22. Calls his parents “the parentals”, “Mothership”, “Mater” or, even worse, by their first names.
23. Dismisses soap operas.
24. Tries to get you to try food you know you won’t like, or have already eaten once but don’t want to eat again, under the basis that he likes it and so must you, or that it’s “an acquired taste”, “so tasty”, “very refreshing”, or “a dealbreaker”. Break that fucking deal; you won’t regret it.
25. Writes lists like these with zero self-awareness.
Happy New Year!