Dating blogs are full of advice and this one is no exception.
All the others talk nonsense though – about rules you should follow and how you have to do X so that you look more Y. Ignore them all. Disconnect the internet. You need only one piece of dating advice today. And it is this.
You should never date a man who…
1. Tells you that you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé.
If he ever presents you with this mug, introduce it to his face.
2. Barely gives dead relatives a second thought but still mourns separate lemon & lime flavours in Opal Fruits.
3. Skips past Sugababes’ Stronger when it comes on the iPod.
Or iPhone or whatever. Maybe he still has a Zune. Actually, don’t date a guy who still has a Zune. Anyway, Stronger is unskippable.
4. Refuses to acknowledge his own coffee-breath.
And worst of all, offers you gum as if it’s you who’s dying of halitosis.
5. Describes himself as #teamtaken.
6. Sends e-cards.
7. Likes Kylie but is too embarrassed to admit he likes Kylie.
Ditto the guy who thinks liking Kylie is a “gay cliché”. So is being a champion of internalised homophobia and socially toxic.
8. Substitutes biceps for a personality.
9. Thinks there’s anything wrong with spending the first half of January blind drunk.
“Dry January” = dry crotch.
10. Is rude to waiters in an effort to impress.
11. Drinks “brosé” or even thinks it’s a thing.
It’s just wine, you fragile, masculine ball of boring.
12. Has been on Tubecrush.
Let’s be real, he probably sent the picture in himself.
13. Takes their tea “as it comes”.
It comes dashed in your face by someone who just wants you to tell them what way you’d like your fucking tea.
14. Tweets at large for food to be brought to him in bed.
15. Flirts with waiters.
16. Says “Om nom nom”.
17. Closes a text with a capital X for a kiss.
It means he doesn’t care about you. Seriously. I have done all the science and everything.
18. Still slags off his ex even though they split up a decade ago.
19. Says “Friday beerage” and calls a barman “bar-keep”.
20. Blurts out “Actually I think Katie Hopkins has a point” just because nobody’s looked at him for 10 minutes.
21. Sees this in iMessage but carries on typing anyway.
22. Thinks the past tense of “text” is also “text”.
23. Cares whether the milk goes in before or after.
24. Says things like “I don’t really do jealousy” because, holy hell, he is a massive liar.
25. Writes listicles like these and expects anyone to take them seriously.
He’s a loser. Good kisser, though.